Pick your pretext
Jenny Brown
September 2002

There are so many leaks coming out of the Pentagon and other security agencies that one finally trickled down to the Iguana. OK, it didn't, but we bet a memo like this is circulating somewhere in some Virginia office complex:


Problem: Every Arab nation, all European nations, Russia and China and 50% of the U.S. public oppose our plans for war in Iraq. Qatar and Saudi Arabia refuse to help. Our one foreign ally in the project, Tony Blair, now has to duck rotten eggs hurled by members of his own party when he appears in public.

Solution: Develop an incident proving Saddam's aggressive tendencies to the world. Below are several for your consideration:

1. A U.S. Navy ship blows up in the Persian Gulf, Iraq is found to be responsible. (This worked wonders in getting the Spanish-American war started, and not a moment too soon cause the Cubans were beginning to think they owned the place. Note: In the case of the Maine, officers were first moved ashore. Inquire: Does the Navy really need all their officers?)

2. A navy destroyer reports it is shot at in the Persian Gulf. Iraq is the obvious culprit. (This was wildly successful in 1964 in warming up hostilities with North Vietnam. Beauty of this scenario--no shots need to actually be fired! In the Gulf of Tonkin operation, the two U.S. navy destroyers reported that they had been attacked--but it was a dark and stormy night. To check: Weather channel.)

3. American medical students need to be protected. (This worked great in Grenada in 1983; Problem, Iraq has no U.S. medical students. Is it too late to enroll some?)

4. Someone (North Korea? Libya?) is found to be shipping MIGs to Iraq in crates. Cratologists are brought in to verify. (This was effective in increasing support for the Contra in Nicaragua. Fell apart though when the crates were found to contain Russian tractors.)

5. Iraq shoots down a U.S. plane. Would show Iraq's nakedly aggressive tendencies. (We conducted nine airstrikes on Iraq the last week in August, however, and this didn't work. Memo to USAF Chief: fly lower.)

6. Osama bin Laden found to be hiding out in Bagdad. A videotape is discovered in which he and Saddam sip tea, tell jokes, and appear to be planning 'the mother of all joint ventures.' (Have Hollywood get on it.)

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