What was your life like when you were a kid? Were you outdoors climbing trees? Who were the significant adults in your life? Do you remember the first adult that treated you like an equal, and listened to you? Was that important?
Now, think about the 10-14-year-olds around you. Who are their significant adults? Who looms heavily in your own children's lives?
To be successful, kids must have at least 3 adult mentors outside their families. My kids don't always hear me, but the same words from one or more other adults will sink in. I've asked teachers and coaches to mention little things like brushing teeth because I know it'll mean more. Other conversations with these same adults will mold my kid in ways I never could. I hope these mentors are wise, well grounded, and understand the impact they'll make on my child.
Mentoring does little good if the relationship lasts two years or less, and it must allow for one-on-one interaction. Long term, personal relationships build permanence and responsibility, and let the child know he's not disposable like so much else in our society.
Without these personal, caring individuals, children become alienated and don't form the values and attachments they'll need as adults. They lack empathy, sympathy, and caring, and will not bond with their community, school, or self.
Mentoring is also a protective factor that helps children through less-than-ideal situations. Some children struggle to overcome poverty, toxic media messages, learning disabilities, and dis-functional families or environments.
Who do you think the mentors are for the youth around you?
It won't be a teacher. Dr. James Garbarino, in his book "Lost Boys" notes that conventional programming has children changing teachers every year. Large class sizes limit personal interactions.
My son's third grade teacher, Mrs. Molly Young, was one exception, using personal time to call each of her students at home. But even she is limited. Large schools prohibit teachers from interacting with younger and older kids, limiting their "mentoring" to one year. Afterschool programs, if they exist, often have waiting lists.
Churches are great places to form bonds, but not all kids attend. More of us live apart from extended families--grandparents no longer serve traditional roles. Some communities are transient, not allowing close neighbor attachments. Some areas of our communities are just not safe for kids.
Many children go home alone after school. This was common in poor families with no other options, but is prevalent throughout society now. Latchkey kids lack access to coaches, music, dance, and art teachers; relationships that may last all through childhood.
Do kids' values come from TV? Video games? Kids will go to any mentor available to them, including drug dealers and gang leaders. Marilyn Manson informs parents she'll raise your kids through her music. Will kids become productive adults with mentors like these?
We can do something to help our communities develop mentoring capacity. Each of us can serve as coaches, teachers, religious and scout leaders. We can build smaller schools and classes that allow more personal interactions.
Healthy communities have a "center," be it a school, downtown, or park, that serves to bring families together with other families. Communities need reasons to rally together. It can be picnics, classes, sports, but we've got to give families a reason to mix: repeatedly, and in positive environments.
Where do your kids, and the kids around you, find their mentors?
What did you think your life would be like when you got old? Were you right? What will today's kids be like when they're your age?
Kids need you. Are you willing and able to help them? Will today's kids be willing and able to take care of you--when you need them?
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Material for this essay came from lectures given by Dr. James
Garbarino, author of Lost Boys, and Scott Poland who, with
Jami McCormick, wrote Coping With Crisis. Alison Law strives
to increase opportunities for recreation and afterschool programming
for all of us--young and old. http://www.afn.org/~alilaw