From: riffer@freenet4.freenet.ufl.edu (Jeff Mercer)
Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery
Subject: Re: luser stories, now helping people on your own time

gkb@aber.ac.uk (Gary Barnes) wrote:
GB>Gaz, mercenary sysadmin

...and Og, the Barbarian Coder were hunched over behind a large boulder,
listening to the angry bellowing of a Iron Luser, which they had been trying
to sneak upon to behead.

"Og no wanna work... Og wanna bang on keyboard!" stated Og, thumping the
ground with his large club. Gaz snorted, having little respect for the
mere coder.

"Listen you misanthropic bit-mangler, unless we can kill this Luser and loot
it's Clueless Pile, we'll never be able to get The Wizard to help us in our
quest to find the One True Unix Template."

Og grunted. "Og suppose Gaz want Og to distract Iron Luser so Gaz may kill
it." *thump*

"That *would* be helpful."

"WHHHYYYYYYY WON'T MY TOASTER RUN WINDOZZZZZZEEE'95!!!!" bellowed the Iron
Luser, followed by a brief and rather pathetic burst of flame that slightly
warmed the rock. There was not much danger of being flamed to death by an
Iron Luser, but it's sheer mass (concentrated stupidity) and ability to
generate great amounts of noise made it fairly dangerous.

"Og need a better agent," Og griped, and then scrambled over the top of the
boulder, shouting at the Luser. "HEY! Do you have a 486 or a Pentium?! Er,
grunt."

Gaz sighed, and began preparing his weapon. He wouldn't have much time, as
Og had no real experience dealing with a Luser, and would likely make a
mistake in his attempts to distract it which would result in disaster.

"I DOOON'T KNOOOOOOWWWWWWW!" rumbled the Luser, which was stamping the ground
with all four feet and flicking it's short, stubby tail around. It fixed
Og with an Intense Stare of Ignorance (-2d6) and roared "I THINK IIIIT'SSSSSS
A 386SSSSS!"

Og whimpered while Gaz sighed again, and finished loading his cross-prompt,
which was shaped a lot like a # sign.

Shifting from foot to foot, Og waved his club in a semi-authoritative way
and said "How you expect Og to *help* you? Og would just hack Og a new
kernel..." Gaz cringed.

There was a very short, quiet pause, and then the Iron Luser screamed. "I
DOOOOOON'T KNOW WHAT YOOOOOU'RE TAAAAAAALKING ABOUT!! THE GUY AT THE
SSSSSSSSTORE SSSSSSSAID IT'D BE REAL EEEEEEEEAAAAAAASYYY FOR MEEE TO UUUUUSE
THIS! DOOOOOOOON'T YOU *DARE* TALK TO MEEEE LIKE THAT!!" And so on, while
jumping on and down (all four feet off the ground mind you) furiously. The
boulder rocked back and forth with the shaking of the ground while Og dodged
getting squished. At least several process trees were knocked over and killed
in the immediate vicinity.

"Here goes nothing," Gaz muttered to himself, and jumped over the boulder,
(wishing he hadn't afterwards). He brought the cross-prompt to bear and
very rapidly punched at the small array of gemstones on it's handle, causing
a silvery, glittering energy bolt to burst forth and strike the Iron Luser.

With an earth-shattering scream, the Iron Luser faded out of existance.

Og blinked through the small cloud of dust, ears ringing. He slowly looked
down at his club which appeared to be broken in half, making it look like
a sad and wilted flower. Well, not really.
"Og need a vacation" he muttered, tossing the broken club away.

"Come on you Atari-hugging byte-banger," seethed Gaz, "we have to hurry and
loot it's Clueless Pile!" And he ran off towards the Iron Luser's lair,
with Og shortly behind mumbling...


--------

RUN WITH IT!!!!!!!!!


 riffer@afn.org   : The sauce is our blood,                               
 Jeff The Riffer  : The crust is our skin.                                
    Drifter...    : The cheese is our soul,                               
Homo Postmortemus : So let us begin.