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Adam Joshua Smargon's Copyright Notice

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    Any person accessing this site agrees to the following:

    This document and all other documents present at this web site not expressly stated as being from another source are Copyright © Adam Joshua Smargon, hereafter referred to in this notice as "the author," "I," "me," or "the Right Honorable Seventh Prince of Palookaville." They may not be reproduced in any form without the express consent of the author. They may not be sold for profit or included in any type of archive (CD-ROM or otherwise, commercial or private) without the consent of the author. Users may view and download material from this site only for non-commercial use unless a commercial agreement comes to fruition between the author and another party.

    The material found on this document or any others within this hierarchy that is not cited as being from another source is hereby designated original material, and is the intellectual property of the author. This material may not be cited in newspaper articles, online reports, or computer-related printed matter without the author's consent. Failure to abide by these rules may result in legal action by the author. I shall make no guarantee regarding the accuracy, completeness, or timeliness of this information. Anything present on this web site that is copyrighted by another person or organization is used here for the purposes of criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and/or research, as so listed under the fair use provision of the United States Copyright Act.

    Permission is hereby granted to create Internet hyperlinks to the main page of this web site, which is:


    While not required, notifying me -- and citing this source -- would be appreciated. Communicating with me will probably grant users permission to use any information, suggestions, ideas, drawings or concepts.

    If you have any questions about this notice, or would like to gain permission to use this material in some fashion, please contact me by electronic mail, postal mail, telephone, in person, facsimile, telegram, or carrier pigeon.

    If I have inadvertantly included any material that is copyrighted by an organization or another person, and I have not obtained permission to reproduce it on this web site, please let me know. I will happily remove it, or give proper credit.

    I make no representation that materials in this web site are appropriate or available for use outside of the United States of America. Those who choose to access this site from any physical location do so on their own initiative, and are responsible for compliance with all appropriate laws, if and to the extent applicable.

    All information at this web site is provided "as is" and without warranties or guarantees, either expressed, implied, suggested, or hinted. I cannot guarantee that the information is completely accurate or reliable, or that the web site is free of errors or viruses.

    Under no circumstances, including but not limited to negligence, will I be liable for special or consequential damages that result from the use or inability to use the materials in this site. In no event shall the author's liability to a user for any loss, damage or claim exceed the amount paid by the user for accessing this site.

    This agreement is effective until terminated by any party. Users may terminate this agreement at any time by discontinuing use of this web site and destroying all materials obtained from it.

    Receipt and comprehension of this message on this web site constitutes your unconditional acceptance of agreement with all terms, conditions, conclusions and opinions, either expressed or implied, as I interpret it without further clarification. Use of any information contained herein (inclusive of any and all attachments) or omitted in part or in whole from the actual message is strictly prohibited (with the aforementioned exceptions) and will be subject to collection of significant financial damages. So there.

    This agreement shall be governed by cyberspace law without effect to any principles of conflicts of laws. If cyberspace law is deemed unconstitutional by the U.S. Supreme Court and/or the United Nations, then this agreement shall be governed by the laws of 12th-century Prussia.

    The opinions expressed in this document and all other documents present at this web site not expressly stated as being from another source do not necessarily represent the opinions of any other individual person, any educational facility, any organization, any business, any government, the United Nations, the Organization of American States, the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, the Warsaw Pact, the Geneva Convention, the North American Free Trade Agreement, the European Union, Starfleet, the United Federation of Planets, or the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks.

    I do, however, speak on behalf of the Christian Coalition, Pope John Paul II, and any other padorkus with guacamole for brains who thinks they can tell me how to run my life.

    Furthermore, I have the right to exercise whatever I damn well please over you, your immediate family, all your neighbors, your co-workers, and your cat Snookums. You may or may not have additional rights which may vary from state to state, country to country, planet to planet, galaxy to galaxy, universe to universe, or dimension to dimension. All of these rights and terms and conditions, real and imaginary, will be enforced as I shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to your home and examine your tonsils, as well as your underwear drawer if I feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible. All persons portrayed in this web site do not necessarily convey anything that happened in anyone's life or afterlife, dead or undead, forever and ever, amen. Not recommended for children under twelve. Parental guidance is discouraged and frowned upon. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. All rights wronged, all wrongs reversed. Up with going down. Animals and other fuzzy creatures were not harmed in the creation of this web site. Do not operate heavy machinery after reading this web site. Do not attempt this at home. On second thought, do not attempt this anywhere. Do not fold, spindle, mutilate, step on, run over, feed to invertebrates or mammals in the course of a high school science fair experiment, examine, audit, endorse, mention on CNN (especially the fashion segment), pluralize using an apostrophe, attach to a modem, use as evidence in a federal court, use as a kitty flea comb, use as a television screenplay, talk negatively about this website in any way (including suggestively jerking your head while making disparaging noises), or use a suppository. And for god's sake, keep away from small children, large children, and Andean llamas. The contents of this web site have been known to cause erratic behavior and indiscriminate twitching in humans. Your mileage may vary. The author of this website reserves the right to use your likeness for promotional purposes and to cut and paste it into lewd downloadable films, such as "Willard Scott Does Cleveland." Contents may settle during shipment. No preservatives added. Action figures sold separately. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. No passes accepted for this engagement. No other warranty expressed or implied. Booths for two or more. Beware of dog. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Avoid spraying into eyes. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place. Avoid contact with skin. Avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes. At participating locations only. As seen on TV. Articles are ribbed for your pleasure. Approved for veterans. Apply only to affected area. An 18% gratuity will be added for parties of eight or more. Always fasten your safety belt. Check here if tax deductible. Do not X-ray. Do not write below this line. Do not write above this line. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Do not use near open flame. Do not stamp. Or staple. Or paper clip. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit/ 49 degrees Celsius. Do not place near a flammable or magnetic source. Discontinue use if any of the following occurs: itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremities, loss of balance or coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, profuse sweating, or heart palpitations. Disconnect spark plug wire be fore servicing. Dealer participation may affect final price. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Contents under pressure. Contains no fruit juice. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. Coated with food-grade vegetable, beeswax, and/or shellac-based wax or resin to maintain freshness. Caveat emptor. Call for nutritional information. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. All taxes become liability of the winner. All passengers must be behind the white line while bus is in motion. List at least two alternate dates. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. Limit one per family, please. Keep cool, process promptly. Instructions are included. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue use. If any defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. If ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Formatted to fit your screen. For recreational use only. For qualified buyers. For off-road use only. For office use only. For internal use only. For external use only. For demonstration purposes only. For a limited time only. Employees and their families and friends are not eligible. Dry clean only. Drop in any mailbox. The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom. Text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable. Terms are subject to change without notice. Tax, tag, and title not included in advertised price. Subject to change without notice. Some equipment shown is optional. Smoking this could be hazardous to your health. Simulated picture. Shown with optional equipment. Magnetic media, non-returnable if seal is broken. Your canceled check is your receipt. You must be at least four feet tall to ride this ride. You may distribute this article freely but you may not make a profit from it. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. We have kosher and non-kosher foods. We accept food stamps. User assumes full responsibility. Use type GR927 battery. Use only with proper ventilation. Use at your own risk. Unit not labeled for individual sale. To be used as a supplementary restraint system only.. Times approximate. This product is meant for educational purposes only. This product contains olestra. This is not an offer to sell securities. This article is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. All models over 18 years of age. Don't quote me on anything. Driver does not carry cash. List each check separately by bank number. List was current at time of printing. No purchase necessary. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added. No shirt, no shoes, no service. No smoking, food, or drink. No solicitors. Pregnant women, the elderly, children, and everyone in general should avoid this product. The following information is meant for general educational purposes only. No substitutions allowed. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. No user-serviceable parts inside. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Use other side for additional listings. Use only as directed; intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling contents can be harmful or fatal. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Slippery when wet. Sign here without admitting guilt. See label for sequence. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Penalty for private use. Parental advisory - explicit lyrics. Package sold by weight, not volume. Open other end. One size fits all. Offer valid only at participating sites. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Not recommended for children, adults, senior citizens, animals, insects, plants, or dead people. Not rated by the Motion Picture Association of America. You must be present to win. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi, and even higher west of the Rockies. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Prizes are not redeemable for cash equivalent. Prize not redeemable for cash value. Price slightly higher east of the International Date Line. Price does not include taxes. Prerecorded for this time zone. Postage will be paid by addressee. Post office will not deliver without postage. Possible penalties for early withdrawal. Place stamp here. Phenylketonurics: contains phenylalnine. Park at your own risk. Not liable for damages arising from use or misuse. No money down. No Canadian coins. No alcohol, dogs or horses. Must be eighteen to use. May stick to certain types of skin. May not be present in all tap water. May be too intense for some viewers. Sanitized for your protection. Safety goggles required during use. Road construction ahead. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Reproduction by mechanical or electronic means, including photocopying, is strictly prohibited. Replace with same type. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Quantities are limited while supplies last. Push down, then twist. Prolong exposure to vapors has caused cancer in laboratory animals. Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this website appear for identification purposes only. Shading within a garment may occur. Sealed with printed foil for your protection. Sealed for your protection, do not use if safety seal is broken. Restaurant package, not for resale. Product is provided "as is" without any warranties. Product does not really fly. Objects in website may be closer than they appear. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Maximum speeding fine: twelve cents. Many suitcases look alike. Management not responsible for loss or theft. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Keep away from sunlight, fire or flames. If condition persists, consult your physician. First pull up, then pull down. Edited for television. Call toll free number before digging. (You may not be able to afterwards.) Accessing this web site may cause a warp in space and time in your vicinity. There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as "tunneling," this web site may spontaneously disappear from the present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's bald spot.

    CAUTION: Do not use when driving, operating heavy machinery, cooking, spelunking, watching television, singing show tunes, making animal noises, sleeping, reading, playing a musical instrument, breathing, writing poetry, drinking alcoholic or carbonated beverages, kissing, chewing gum, taking stock of your life, working, visiting your relatives in Florida, making whoopie, killing time, chewing the fat, making the best of things, skydiving, streaking, washing the dog, bungee jumping, bathing, standing alone in an elevator, challenging the status quo, whistling, performing bodily functions, hanging out at the mall, fertilizing the lawn, predicting stock market trends, planning a class reunion, threatening your co-workers with an automatic weapon, cleaning your ears, starting your own country, feeling self-satisfied, cleaning out the attic, tipping cows, telling someone off, splitting infinitives, picking your nose, testifying before a grand jury, dieting, forging an alliance with the Dark Side of the Force, embezzling millions of dollars from your company retirement fund, designing the math logic for Pentium processors, biting off more than you can chew, declaring your independence, knitting, facilitating peace talks, bar hopping, playing video games, mastering a foreign language, piloting a spaceship, spamming, making a good impression, chewing your fingernails, blowing your allowance, feeding the cats, painting the house, directing a movie, explaining yourself, consulting a psychic, climbing Mount Everest, dissecting frogs, running in a marathon, designing a web site, seeking public office, or planning on a quiet evening at home.

    WARNING: May cause dry mouth, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, back hair, bleeding gums, painful elbow sores, backaches, memory loss, hallucinations that you are king of a country nobody's heard of, anxiety attacks, random giggling, drippy ear wax, excessive toenail growth, deja vu, foot fungus, bleeding nose, convulsions, bloating, stiffness of the joints, hyperactivity, drowsiness, insomnia, cravings for bizarre flavors of ice cream, water retention, gum disease, death, baldness, wrinkles, depression, excess nose hair, ability to believe everything Bill Gates says, large mucous-filled nodules on the face and hands, spontaneous combustion, genital atrophy, increased sex drive, frustration, itches, excess eyebrow hair, love of asparagus, worms, growth of additional limbs, headaches, euphoria, spontaneous orgasms, fear of speaking in public, strange obsession with anything brown, nostalgia when Swedish folk music is played at football games, uncontrollable ecstacy when listening to country music, forehead hair, love of cats, phonics, swollen ears, constant bleeding from both eyes, forehead ridges, cravings for sheep's milk, stomach aches, diarrhea, the sexual desire to defecate in a mall, burning urine, glowing eyes, oneness with the universe, mediocrity, yellow sweat, love of poetry, desire to mate with trees, fingernail biting, vampirism, gangrene, growth spurts, acid reflux, male lactation, incontinence, painful thigh blotches, flaking orange skin, sudden weight gain, loose teeth, bad breath, enlarged nose, noisy and foul-smelling flatulence, cravings for beef, past life regression, inner child tantrums, walking backwards, talking with a funny accent, impulsiveness, tremors, uncontrollable belching, high cholesterol, festering boils, speaking in binary, eczema, clogged arteries, reverse dyslexia, sneezing, fatigue, nervousness, uncouth behavior, crying, delusions of grandeur, enlarged prostate, total quality management, anorexia, swollen tongue, tennis elbow, dandruff, cirrhosis of the liver, inflammation of the brain, heart damage, pancreatic damage, kidney damage, spleen implosion or explosion, thyroid combustion, severe nasal hair growth, blindness, pregnancy, infertility, fecal incontinence, impotence, loss of genitalia, hermaphroditism, hair loss, skin blemishes, bone deformity, throat cancer, ulcers, hangnails, bladder leakage, sores, scabs, elephantiasis, hepatitis, conjunctivitis, gingivitis, appendicitis, bronchitis, athlete's foot, loss of your free will, and the constant thought that clapping your hands if you're happy (and you know it) is redundant and unnecessary if your face will surely show it.

    WARNING: Federal law provides severe civil and criminal penalties for the unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or exhibition of copyrighted motion pictures and videotapes. (Title 17, United States Code, Sections 501 and 506.3). The Federal Bureau of Investigation (Title 17, United States Code, Section 506) investigates allegations of criminal copyright infringement. (Title 17, United States Code, Section 506.) See local retailer for complete details.

    This website does not cover misuse, accident, extraterrestrial impact, lightning, floods, tornadoes, solar flares, tsunami, volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, supernovas, hurricanes, other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper or unauthorized use, incorrect line voltage and/or frequency, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, chemical reactions, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom shock waves, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, Divine Intervention, extraterrestrial intervention, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, explosive decompression, hard vacuum, dropping the item, falling rocks, falling anything, falling on rocks, falling on anything, caustic chemicals, napalm, leaky roofs, broken glass, magnetic fields, laser or other energy weapons, sub-atomic particle bombardment , emissions of x-rays, microwave, ultraviolet, cosmic, and/or gamma rays, mud slides, forest fires, or projectiles (which may include, but are not limited to, arrows, bombs, artillery shells, missiles, bullets, snowballs, hand grenades, buckshot, BBs, flares, shrapnel, liquid-filled balloons, torpedoes, knives, stones, spears, swords, maces, pikes, clubs, morningstars, etc.). Other restrictions may apply.

    None of the ideas expressed at this web site are actually mine; they are told to me by Luthor and Ferdinand, the five-inch tall space aliens who live under my bed. In return for these ideas, I have given them permission to eat any dust bunnies they may find under there. Your eyes are weary from staring at the monitor. You feel sleepy. Notice how restful it is to watch the cursor blink. Close your eyes. The opinions stated above are yours. You cannot imagine why you ever felt otherwise. In fact, the opinions expressed represent the opinions of absolutely everyone in metropolitan Washington. In fact, everyone in the Northeast also agrees. Oh heck, let's make that the entire continent of North America, because -- let's face it -- I have that kind of power at my disposal.

    This supersedes all previous notices. This disclaimer may not be copied without the expressed written consent of whoever I stole it from.

    The HTML Writers Guild Copyright © 1994-2000 Adam Joshua Smargon --- recycler@afn.org
    Copyright Notice v.1.32 --- updated 8 February 2000