The following was written as an oral speech that was given as part of the Sante Fe Community College Debate team in the "After Dinner Speech" category.
ADS: Intercultural Marriage Mika K. Harris Fall, 1996
The first time I saw him I knew he was "Mr. Right." It was as you might say "love at first sight." I just say that he had no chance; he was mine.
My friend who was very embarrassed by my behavior said, "Mika, I am not sure he is ready for a new relationship, he just broke up his engagement." So I said that I will help him to deal with it.
Then my friend said, "Mika, think about the differences; he is Catholic and you are Jewish, he is American, and you are Israeli, and what about the language, how can you talk to him with your broken English?" For that I was not prepared, I needed time to think, after all, those are big issues to consider. So, after 5 minutes I said; I want him.
Soon we moved to live together, and within ten months of our relationship I told John that I think that age 25 is a perfect age for a woman to get married. John said that in America people get engaged first, so I said, "So, engage me!" On our one year anniversary John proposed to me in a wonderfully romantic way and six months later on Dec, 31 1993 we got married in a Jewish/Christian ceremony in a southern town in Florida. I did not know that at that day we have become a statistic; According to 1995 National Census Bureau there was a 13% increase in intercultural marriage increase in the last five years, and we were now part of it.
Much later I have learned that my conclusion about my cross cultural marriage is the thesis for many sociologists who researched this topic. I simply divided my marriage into three stages, which I call it my three A’s:
Adventure, awareness, and adjustment.
Transition sentences: let us take a look at it together. The first step, adventure.
First Point; adventure.
This stage is well covered under the "Honeymoon" phase; everything was new and exciting. Our differences were enormously attractive and romantic. Day to day experiences did not seem too harsh. For example, I will start cooking at four o’clock for the dinner to be served at seven. I will stir the CousCous grain until they are at the right softness, add spices to the soup to get the right color, and sautee the chicken till it is golden and tender--a real Mediterranean food. After John took his first bite, he raised his head with love in his big green eyes and said calmly to me, "Can we order Chinese?"! Other adventure was how many new English words I would learn every day; I learned most of my English by watching soap operas and when John came home I was trying to impress him with my new words. For example, one day I said to John, "Why are you so aloof today, darling?" Afterall, this was the way Niki talked to Victor in the Y&R.
Transition Sentence: It is funny but yet a very confusing time when I did not know where the cultural differences end and the personal differences began. But in contrast, I recognized my second stage; Awareness. In this stage I came to the conclusion that knowing the language does not mean knowing the culture, and there are problems.
Second point: Awareness
Eva Murray author of Intercultural Marriage states "when a women is shaped and molded by one cultural and brought into another, she is likely to find herself…having difficulty making decisions. She may feel alienated and confused." That was me!!!
That is when I went to see a therapist. When I entered her office I spotted this 8x10 silver golden picture frame. So while I said, "Oh, these are your, DOGS??? Don’t you have children?" I asked. Then she gave me this answer that struck me. She said that she and her husband were married for 15 years and they never wanted kids. And here I am thinking to myself; Were married?, do not have kids. I think I am in the wrong place.
Without my therapist help but with the help of many books I have learned that cross cultural marriages have potential pitfalls they most likely will face:
1. Tradition: The most fundamental issue. Values were formed in early childhood and are constantly reinforced by society. My own cultural values, beliefs and behavior were deep as those of my husband. For example, me: learning the Christmas songs. John: fasting on Kippur Day. Us: Christmas tree and menorah in the living room.
2. Toxic social: Not only had I become part of a foreign society vut I had to learn a complete different concept of social interaction.
Examples; How are you?!, Lets have lunch together. Mika is between jobs.
3. Talk-Talk : The most essential ingredient in relationships and the most difficult to achieve in cross cultural marriages. The different linguistic background and experiences are the building blocks in our language. Not knowing the little phrases or certain words can often cause misunderstanding. Ex. Ph.D. from MIT. Hesitant to continue the relationship; What ‘hesitant’ means?!
Transition sentences; In her book "are you the right for me" Dr. De Angeles states that the greater the differences the harder it is to overcome them.
Third Point: Adjustment. I agree. And further more; I learned that the solution for these problems is in the compromising a couple make in their adjustment. Those adjustments lead to the three types of marriages;
It is very important that the partner who settles in the new culture will feel comfortable about his/her differences such as dialect, activities and goals. I remember that during the time that my legal paper were processed and I was not allowed to work or go to school I was often asked "what is you area" Knowing they referred to my career. At the beginning I was rather uncomfortable, after all I married an MIT graduate who is a Professor. But for the next time when I was asked again what is my area I answered: 2500 Square foot, cooking cleaning, I am a house wife and full time student. Yes they were probably gossiping about us but I did not care because I was and still am comfortable despite our differences.
Transition Sentence; It might seems like an easy process, but it is requires a constant work.
Conclusion
Partners in cross cultural marriages face the same ups and down of any marriage, except their problems and issues are often magnified. Intercultural marriage are relationships waiting to developed into a median level that both partner will fill comfortable with, and a tremendous adjustment is required. You see, marriage is like a plant, this the metaphor that Barbara De Angeles used in one of her recent show. Some leaves are yellow, sometimes it dry, but all it needs is a fertilize and care. A nice bow in the front make it more special