Making toast, the most perfect and wonderful toast that can be 
is a skill I take much pride in.  It may seem to you that Toastmaking is 
a simple and perhaps even menial task, not really a skill, but I assure 
you this presumption is wrong!  Making the most perfect and wonderful
toast is a complex process with many devious twists and turns.  There are 
many opportunities for error, and any error will render the toast 
imperfect and slightly less than wonderful.
     The first step towards good toast is the proper selection of a good 
place to buy sliced bread. (Some people may say that homemade bread is 
the best for toastmaking but it is not.  Homemade bread is never sliced 
properly.  You must buy sliced bread.)  The best places to obtain this 
wonderful commodity (which remains unsurpassed by a greater invention) 
are those that stock only small quantities and sell out quickly.  Grainy 
comestibles from such places of purveyance will usually be most fresh and 
delicious.  I have chosen Publix, which stocks my brand in monthly 
shipments of single ten-loaf boxes.
     Choice of bread is the pinnacle of importance.  Both type and brand 
must be considered. "White," or cruddy wimpy fluffy American, bread of 
all brands must be fled from at high speed.  It tastes like corrugated 
cardboard when toasted.  "Wheat," or yummy substantial European, bread
is the type to be perused.  Brands can be scanned for ingredients, 
nutritional values, and raisins while still on the shelf, but each one 
that interests you should be given a real world test before you come to 
your decision.  Only by actually eating a slice of toast made from the 
brand in question can you get all the information you need to form an 
opinion.  I prefer Roman Meal bread, both for its cool trademark and 
beautiful texture and taste.  The choice of slice thickness depends on the
strength of your toaster.  Many weak toasters will kill the outsides of a 
thick slice without warming the insides significantly.
     We have reached another important point: the toaster!  
Unfortunately, choice of toasters is very limited for most sub-adult type 
people.  If you are stuck with the toaster you have due to economic 
disadvantage, you will just have to make the most of it.  Perhaps you 
could start a toaster piggybank.  One day you may be able to achieve a 
toaster of your choice.  The holy six-slice wall hanging toaster is a 
favorite among toast fans for purely aesthetic reasons.  I myself
have seen it rarely, but toast from such a toaster simply tastes more 
wonderful somehow.  Any toaster in proper working condition will do.  It 
must have a heat intensity dial and the toast must actually pop up when 
it is toasted.  Burnt toast, the result of malfunctions in this area, is 
an evil thing indeed.  My own toaster is a humble four-slicer that must be 
carefully watched to assure toast quality.
     Now you must select the amount of toasting your toast will receive.  
This secret setting is unique to every toaster and much experimentation 
is required to find the perfect golden brown.  Be sure to remember that a 
cold start will require a different setting than a hot one, i.e. your
second round of toast needs less time.  I have spent hours (nonconsecutive
 hours, of course) perfecting the actual toasting process.
     What to do now that you have a beautiful piece of toast?  This is up 
to you.  Some people like their toast plain, most like it buttered, 
others with cinnamon on.  Yet more like it with some kind of fruit 
preserve, most often when eaten at breakfast.  I like toast of all these 
     The toast, no matter how precisely browned, buttered, cinnamoned, 
jellied or jammed, must be served while hot and scrummy.  Toast's major 
appealing factor is not its crunchiness, but its warmth.  Stale bread is 
crunchy too, but is it yummy?  No.  I always serve my toast as directly
as possible from the toaster, and the joy and delight of my friends at 
this policy is great.   	-Lith