Smokestack Jeb! announces re-election bid, promises more pollution

Smokestack Jeb! announces re-election bid, promises more pollution
September/October 2001

On Aug 28, a rally was held in front of the capitol in Tallahasee to kick off the re-election campaign for Governor Smokestack Jeb. It even featured a first amendment zone cage for protesters. Smokestack Jeb! was introduced by Joe Anderson of Anderson Columbia, and Suwanee American cement, which is building the cement factory near the Ichetucknee River.

Jeb!, or someone looking a lot like him, gave this speech:

Good Afternoon Corporations and rich gentlemen. Today I announce my bid for re-election!!

Over the course of my administration I have had many successes. I have helped unsustainable sprawl and development continue to expand across the state, wiping out wetlands in violation of federal law. I helped put more money into the pockets of big business at the expense of the public interest than any previous administration. It has not been easy, however. Over the course of my administration, Tallahassee has been overrun with communists and professional protesters, (who are also communists). They have been trying to obstruct the economic advancement of my friends and campaign contributors. But I stood up to these fringe agitators.

When I announced my plan to stop black people from getting into college, I set up sham public meetings to trick the public into thinking I actually cared what they thought. And when the blacks and their communist sympathizers brought thousands of anti-American protesters to flood the capitol, it didn't faze me one bit. I succeeded in my plan to stop black people from getting into college.

When I announced my plan to eliminate job security and cut the budgets of all the state agencies, I knew it would have a devastating effect on the best and cheapest system of state services in the country, and on the millions of communist Floridians who depend on them. Once that happens, I can get support for privatizing them, so more of your taxes will go into the pockets of big corporations, where they belong. When the radical big union bosses brought thousands of yahoos to protest me again, I stood up to them too, and my service worst initiative passed. The will of the public doesn't affect me at all, because I am a leader!!

Right after I was elected, I set about eliminating the intangibles tax. This unfairly taxed the super rich and provided an unneeded $1 billion in revenues. I cut this tax, and to pay for it, I cut a program that provided medical care to smelly poor people.

I wanted to cut money from education, but people seem to think that should get funded for some odd reason, so I would have faced a firestorm of criticism which might have kept a budget cut from going through the legislature, and hurt my friends there. So what I did was, tell all educational institutions from kindergarten through the universities that I might have to take back 3-5% of their funding because of budget shortfalls and they should make sure not to spend it. So without actually cutting the education budget, I succeeded in reducing the amount of money that could be spent on education.

Developers and water managers wanted to be allowed to pump untreated water, contaminated with sewage bacteria and other things into our aquifer, so I had a bill proposed that would allow that. A flood response from enviro-loonies made it clear that my friends in the legislature may suffer because of voting for this, so I withdrew the bill to proceed with another strategy. So fear not; For if I am re-elected, I will succeed in endangering Florida's drinking water supply.

I am embarking on the most environmentally damaging program since the draining of the Everglades - To build the Suncoast Parkway across the last expanse of unprotected wildlands and rural areas in the state. This mega-highway, across the big bend coast of the northwest peninsula up through the panhandle will attract the same sort of crazed sprawl that plagues the southeast, where Miami has stretched across five counties, destroying all in it's path for residential golf communities. Even the Federal Highway Commission said it was a bad project. The hundreds of acres of wetlands that will be destroyed in its direct path make it illegal to use federal money to build, so I'm making it a Toll Road. And I know Floridians love paying tolls.

When my big brother wanted to send his oil companies to drill of the coast of Florida, I said no-way, because I know that many people in Florida have some ridiculous attachment to clean beaches and safe-to-eat fish. Once the controversy had settled down, however, I let the oil companies in because I think beaches look really neat covered in oil, and that fish taste better when they're carcinogenic. I call it my Beach Enhancement and Dune Restoration Project. Another victory for the environment.

The Ichetucknee Cement Kiln represents one of my greatest and trickiest achievements. When my buddy, and campaign contributor Joe Anderson came to me to help with his cement kiln project, I knew it would be a challenge. There were a lot of enviro-nazis already working against it, but we put our heads together and found a solution. My robot David Struhs and I canoed down the river and promised to deny the permit. That threw the eco-nuts off long enough for us to plan. Steve MacNamara, who was Chief of staff to Speaker of the house Thrasher got himself hired by Anderson Colombia and brought us together for a closed door meeting where we came up with our brilliant plan. We would grant Anderson-Columbia the air pollution permit and 8 other permits we had previously denied. The Cement kiln permit allows them spew hundreds of tons of pollutants every day into the air including mercury totaling 97 pounds every year. The mercury would be in reactive hot gasses, in forms such as methyl mercury which are much more toxic than elemental mercury. This is the equivalent of thirteen million fluorescent light bulbs, which are illegal to throw away at more than ten at a time. The kiln will also release unmeasured amounts of dioxin, and because of the nature of tire burning, that amount is likely to be a lot. Most tires are made of Styrene Butadiene rubber, both are benzene derivatives, all of those are known human carcinogens, and are released when burned. Tires also include extender oils, that when burned, release multiple benzene ring structures, which are carcinogenic, mutagenic, and sometimes hormone mimicking. That means they can cause cancer, chromosomal damage, and disturb your body's regulatory and sexual functions. The permit allows the plant to release thousands of tons of nitrates and hundreds of tons of sulfates every year, and that doesn't even count the hundreds of heavy diesel trucks delivering fuel every day. In addition to the permit, the deal included other things. The DEP would wave its right to pursue other pending enforcement actions, and forgive over $100,000 in fines the company owed. We would subsidize the construction by buying a mined out old pit from Anderson-Columbia for about 22 million more than it was worth, and take on the responsibility of reclaiming the area. We would likewise take on the responsibility of cleaning up the Blackwater River asphalt plant site after the company pulled out the asphalt waste it dumped in the river (another outstanding Fl waterway). To deal with the shortsighted public, which cares about silly things like their own health and continuing the environmental quality of pristine and beautiful places, Anderson Colombia agreed to do a few things for PR purposes. They would donate $1 mil to the DEP to study pollution. They would agree to realtime monitoring of certain emissions, and promise to change their ways and stop destroying the environment so much. In one of my most brilliant maneuvers, I had my PR robot, that I had put in charge of the DEP, sell the lie that this was good for the environment. I turned the Dept. of Environmental Protection into the Dept. of Environmental Propaganda. He called it "a total victory" and "a remarkable piece of good news for Florida's environment." He also said that "Never before has Florida so aggressively and consistently exercised its legal authority to send the message that compliance counts.' Florida's environment will be better off now and for decades to come because of our unwavering commitment to the Ichetucknee and the people of Florida."

Struhbot said that Anderson-Columbia was "in compliance at the time" the permit was issued, though DEP inspector Cliff Rholke was investigating Anderson-Columbia for violations of the Clean Water Act at a DOT road widening project near Milton. We had to act quickly, because Cliff hadn't heard that now Anderson-Columbia is a good corporation and the DEP shouldn't get in their way. We had him put on administrative leave, changed the investigation to a criminal one to keep the records out of public view, and had Cliff investigated for interfering in a criminal investigation.

It would have been smooth sailing except for some meddling children from Ichetucknee Earth First, who are dedicated to murder, mayhem, and environmental destruction. They've been giving me and my friend Joe a lot of headaches and bad press. Those persistent little bastards won't go away. But with the help of your money, I will be re-elected, and continue to work for your profits. That's why I'm unveiling my "More Pollution" platform. I hope to pollute Florida enough to rival my brother's state of Texas and I hope that you will support this noble endeavor generously. With your help, we can succeed, because together, we can make a difference.

--Smokestack Jeb!