Michael Moore's investigation reveals Awful Truth about Steve Forbes
January 1999

We were at a loss to respond to the fact that the unspeakably wealthy Steve Forbes, right wing presidential candidate, would be speaking on campus, PAID by student fees. Forbes is worth between $400 and 500 million, but since he won't release his tax returns, we don't know exactly. We bet he didn't pay much in the way of taxes.
We think it's only fair, however, that we here reveal the terrifying information about Steve Forbes Michael Moore uncovered in his most recent film "The Big One." (Which, incidentally, is now available on video at the Civic Media Center.) But first, a memo to Steve Forbes' lawyers: THIS IS SATIRE.
-The Editors

Michael Moore: "Ever wonder what happened to Steve Forbes? He appeared from nowhere, had you ever heard of him before?

Ever notice when he was on TV his eyes never blinked? Really, he never blinked. I saw him on Larry King, he never blinked, the whole time, the whole hour, he never blinked. Couple nights later he was on Nightline and they had the camera on him for a full minute. Not once did the eyes blink.

I thought, this is very strange, so I called New York Hospital asked for a doctor in the Eye, Ear, Nose, and Throat Division and I said "Doctor I'm watching TV right now and this guy on there, his eyes have not blinked for a full minute, is that possible? He said "No! The human eye needs to blink every 15 to 20 seconds." Now we're into 2 minutes and this guy's eyes have not blinked, not once. And the doctor said, and I quote: "Well ...that's not human."

Not human. Right. I'm thinking "Don't look at his eyes." Then he hits us with a sound, "flat tax, flat tax, flat tax."

So back in February I was here in Des Moines for the Iowa caucuses and I decided to go over to the Forbes headquarters to see if Steve was some kind of freak X-File brother from another planet.

This guy comes out and he says "Hi, my name is Chip Carter"
"Chip Carter? Jimmy Carter's son?"
"No, I'm the other Chip Carter."
He had this weird look in his eyes too.

[We interviewed him on tape.]

Michael Moore: How long has Mr. Forbes been here?
Chip Carter: He's really only been on the ground for 6 to 8 weeks.
MM: Steve Forbes was born where?
CC: I have no idea, I can't remember.
MM: You don't know... Where did Steve Forbes come from?
CC: Steve Forbes seems to have come from nowhere. Pretty much.
MM: Where is nowhere?
CC: Somewhere out there.
MM: (I'm freaking out, I'm thinking, OK, I am not going to die in Des Moines, taken away by space beings calling themselves the Forbes campaign.)
Where are you taking the Spaceship here after Iowa?
CC: Uh, I'm going to go home to Oklahoma for a few days and rest and then they'll send me to another state.

So the guy's disappeared right? And the only time that you have any idea that they are still with us is if you ever notice certain people reading the publication with the name "Forbes," the name of their leader, on the magazine? These men in three piece suits, white guys, who look like they've got a lot of money? They're the aliens. Beware of these people.

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