This appeared in the April 24, 1994 GUIDE FOR PARENTS, a Sunday 
supplement to the Gainesville Sun.

Parenting Through Those Tricky Teen Years
by Colleen Kay Porter

Children entering the double digit years are a bundle of 
contradictions: no longer really children but not quite adults, 
playing with Legos one minute and experimenting with eye shadow 
the next, watching the X-men cartoons and then reading Newsweek.  
	
At this stage, many parents feel an irresistible urge to change 
something about the child:  hairstyle, clothes, friends,  music... 
but the first thing that needs to change is you, the parent.  We 
need to get out of the habit of making decisions for the young 
person and instead become a coach and counselor to help choose for 
themselves.  After all, by the time a child is 12 years old, our 
job as a parent is 75% done.  It may take a major attitude 
adjustment to accommodate this new role.	
	
For starters, my husband and I had to realistically look at our 
own adolescent years, and make sure we dealt with any unresolved 
conflicts.  It is tempting to expect your children to live out 
your unfulfilled dreams, or to compare them against your record.  
But anytime you say, "When I was your age..." in that particular 
tone of voice, they tune it out.
	
Another new aspect that brings tension is their invasion of your 
personal space.  They sleep the same hours you sleep, want to read 
the same magazines, may ask to borrow your clothes, and some 
parents have even gone out on a date and found that one of their 
kids went to the same movie!  So it takes some effort to make sure 
you have your personal time, and your couple time, and time with 
each of the kids.  I am at home during the day, and I finally had 
to declare myself "off-duty" from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m.  I still 
respond to the babies, of course, but I don't have to answer 
teen's questions about would Anne Frank's diary have been 
published if she had lived and what is a WASP?  That constant 
barrage of questions can be emotionally exhausting.  A male friend 
admitted that it took a while to get used to the fact that his son 
also wanted to watch football on TV.  It was a good thing, but Dad 
was used to that being his private pastime.
	
We have found that when kids approach teenhood, they become very 
territorial and resent having their privacy invaded.  And in our 
house we respect that.  If I have to enter a room to collect some 
hangars or turn off a loud radio, I let them know as soon as they 
come home, and I try not to look at anything laying out on the 
desk.  (My biggest fear is that I'll accidentally find out 
something about one of their friends, and then have the dilemma of 
whether to tell those parents about their child's problem.)
	
It's wonderful when teens get involved with sports, scouting or 
extra-curricular activities with a good adult role model.  Lots of 
times kids won't listen to what their parents say, but they will 
pay attention to another adult.  Band directors, church leaders, 
and scoutmasters have all helped raise our children.  And when 
your young person says to you, "You should hear this neat idea Mr. 
so-and-so had," try not to retort, "But I suggested that a week 
ago!"  Just bite your tongue and be glad that your son or daughter 
has someone else to help them.
	
Teen years can be a time of contention for some families, but in 
my own case, a lot of the perceived conflicts are really a matter 
of kids not doing things MY WAY.  But I would never expect such 
compliance from an adult friend, and I am slowly learning not to 
demand it from my teens.  Their way may be different, but if it is 
not harmful or morally wrong, I have to accept it.  I still think 
long flowered skirts look funny with black combat boots, but it is 
actually quite practical and modest, so I don't have a right to 
complain.  During my working career I occasionally had supervisors 
who tried to tell me exactly how to do my job, or ordered me to 
change something that I had worked hard to develop.  My reaction 
was insult and angeroehow dare they treat me like that, like a 
child?  I suspect that sometimes our teenagers feel the same way.  
So I try to interact like a good supervisor, offering advice and 
encouragement, and expecting the best.
	
One thing that seems to help is that if I feel a lecture coming 
on, I try to ask a question instead.  If nothing else, try, "How 
do you feel when you...?" or "What do you think we should do about 
it?"
	
It seems that lot of grumpiness at this age is due to inadequate 
diet.  Check the growth curves; there is a steep climb up as kids 
enter the double digits.  Left to their own devices, they will 
often fuel the hunger with sweets, or ignore it because they are 
too busy.  It is really going to have to be their responsibility, 
as a parent may not be home for after-school snacks, but you can 
help them to sample different foods and make sure that healthy 
stuff is available.  It may take a few trips to the grocery store 
to find a snack food that they like, wouldn't mind eating with 
friends, and is nutritious (and hopefully reasonably priced).  For 
our oldest it was frozen bean burritos; another likes baked 
potatoes with cheese, and our third enjoys making pizza.  They 
also munch on fruit.
	
Many families find that it helps to set up a regular time for 
discussions.  We have family council each Sunday, where we plan 
our week, discuss doctor's visits and meetings, and air problems.  
Lots of times it's parents lecturing, but often it is kids 
complaining about the quality of their lunches or requesting new 
shoes.  Knowing that there will be a time to bring up the problem 
later often helps diffuse tensions in situations when there just 
isn't time to discuss it right away.
	
Another thing I have discovered is that kids this age still want 
those good night hugs but they are awkward about asking for it, 
and of course do not want to be seen hugging a parent if any 
friends are around.  You have to be sneaky, and sometimes 
substitute a punch on the arm for a gentle hug.
	
Adjusting to the teen years means learning to accept your children 
as adults.  It is worth the effort, because it is a relationship 
that you will enjoy for the rest of your lives.