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--- Your at-home situation.  For example, age of kid(s), when you
stayed home (current and past) or worked full or part-time.

I was employed full-time until our first child was 3 years
old, then part-time until he was 5, the second was 1 and
we were expecting the third.  I returned to part-time work
when the third child was 3, but we didn't have child care;
my husband handled the kids in the evenings.  I also went
to graduate school while working part-time when my three
oldest were in elementary/middle school.  Now I am at home
full-time (except for a lot of volunteer work and some
free-lance writing.)  I love my children and I love my
work, it's just that I have done them in seasons,
sequentially rather than simultaneously.

--- What were your reasons for staying at home with your child?
Did your reasons change at certain periods of your child's life?

The main reason is to influence and teach them. There is
admittedly a certain amount of conceit in believing that I
am the best person in the world to do it.

There is no doubt in my mind that you can raise happy,
healthy kids with day care.  But whose values will they
have?  Who has the primary influence?  I think it is the
people who spend the most time with them.  If parents work
8 hours, have a 1 hour lunch and 30 minute commute, that's
50 hours a week in daycare.  Let's say this is a
4-year-old; Ferber suggests they should be getting 10.5
hours of sleep at night.  Subtract the sleep time and the
daycare time from the child's week, and that leaves only
44.5 hours per week--and realistically, most people have
to leave their child for dates, funerals, haircuts, etc.,
in addition to working time.  It's hard to be the primary
influence when your children spend more time with a voice
that may be sending out conflicting messages.

This may be why parents whose culture is a little off
mainstream (Orthodox Jews, Puerto Ricans, Muslims, etc.)
seem to be more likely to try to keep a parent at home, to
pass on the language and culture.

In recent years, one of the strongest supporters of parents
spending time with their kids and teaching them values has
been Attorney General Janet Reno, who I have heard on
more than one occasion say that much of her work could be
eliminated if parents did a better job of teaching their children.

In her address to employees on April 6, 1993, she said the
following:

"We must never forget, however, that it is not government
but the family that is the institution best designed to
focus on a person and help them grow.  I remember my
afternoons after school and during the summertime.  My
mother worked in the home, my father worked downtown.

"My mother taught us to play baseball, to bake a cake, to
play fair--she beat the living daylights out of us sometimes,
and she loved us with all her heart; she taught us her favorite
poets, and there is no child care in the world that will ever be
a substitute for what that lady was in our life.

"And now I look at the prosecutors in my office in Miami,
struggling to get to work at 8:00 o'clock in the morning,
finishing trial at 6:30, home at 7:30. get dinner on the
table, the children bathed, the homework done, and
Saturday they run errands, and Sunday they go to church or
sleep late, and Sunday night they start to prepare for
trial again, and they don't have that precious, wonderful
time to be with their children."

That's why I am at home: for the precious, wonderful time
with my children.  I have the opportunity to set an example
for them, and to establish the tone for the environment where
they will spend most of their time.  For example, it is common
knowledge that all toddlers go through a "NO!" stage.  But the
children that were home with me did not.  Partly it was because
we were lucky, but partly it was because I never said, "No!" to
them, and so they didn't learn the behavior.

When I first became a mother, the popular theory was that it was
the quality of the time that mattered, not the quantity.  But as my
children grow older, I find that it takes time to teach some
valuable life skills.  Cooking is a prime example.  When my young people
first started learning to cook, it took almost three hours to prepare a
meal.  But last summer I could leave the house at 5 p.m. to meet my
husband at a nearby swimming pool, and we would come home to a
wonderful meal!  Other things that just took a lot of time include
changing the tire on the car, using the lawn mower, conducting
library research, installing a towel rod, using the sewing machine.
And many times I'm just there to answer their questions, many
questions that provide the opportunity to teach values, like, "What
is a WASP?  What did you want to be when you grew up?  Who has
the best chance of getting AIDS, you or me?"

I think another factor influencing whether a family would
really benefit from having a parent at home is the nature
of the parents' paid job and how much time they can each
contribute on the homefront.  If one has a job that requires
long hours or extensive travel, they may only be able to do
20% of the parenting that is needed.  The other parent can try
to do 80% of the parenting and juggle a full-time job as well, or
they can scrimp on the parenting, or they can cut back on their
employment if the family can afford it financially.

Another reason I am at home has to do with benefits to ME,
not my kids.  When I was employed, I was driven by adrenalin,
racing from deadline to meeting, without the time to invest in
serious friendships, pursue hobbies or develop some of my
personal talents.  Now I have the time to exercise, write that
book, invite friends over to lunch.  I am MUCH happier and
less pressured, and my husband also has more time as well.
I have the satisfaction of knowing that the mending is caught
up, the photo album is up to date, and I read to the children.
We have achieved a balance to our lives that is very
stimulating and enjoyable.

--- If you have raised a child to adulthood (18+), how do you
feel you have impacted their life by being a stay-at-home parent?

I asked mine, and he said, "You taught me so much stuff. Last week
I noticed a couple of my shorts were starting to rip out, and I just
re-sewed the seams."  He says that the guys in his dorm are amazed
at the practical things he knows how to do.

He also says that during high school, he felt he had a much
pleasanter time because he was never expected to do the family
grocery shopping and cook dinner, as were some of his friends from
two-income families (who were also given nice cars and generous
allowances as compensation, I hasten to add).

Teenagers still need their parents, although they are not
as vocal as babies and toddlers.  A few years ago we
hosted some choir kids from a city on the East Coast.  One
of them thanked us for, "going to all the trouble of
fixing a sit-down dinner," and neither of them seemed to
believe it when we explained that we ate like that most
every night. They said that their parents were gone before
they woke up, and rarely arrived home before 7 p.m. They
only ate together as a family on holidays.  My own son's
English teacher his senior year did a survey and found
that of 32 kids in the class, only 4 ate together as a
family on a regular basis.  Of course, eating together is
not a prerequisite for being a functional family, but many
people find that it is a time to review the day, discuss
politics, influence values, etc.  Visitors are also
shocked at the level of debate at our dinner table, that
kids are allowed to disagree with parents as long as they
formulate a cogent argument.

Now here is the hard part to explain:  what is it that I
*do* to help the older kids, that it's so important for me
to be there?  It really isn't anything much.  I listen.
They tell me about their plans and worries, and
occasionally I comment but mostly I listen. And I'm just
there, in case.  Like the first time I gave them money to
buy their own shoes and let them ride their bikes to the
store, I made it a point to stay home and off the
telephone in case there were problems.  And the time my
son called because some people needed a ride to a music
contest.  And the many times a study group met at our
house because I was the only parent at home.

Then there is all the extracurricular stuff.  My life would be
a lot simpler if our kids didn't have the habit of winning the
local spelling bee so that they have to go on to regional, and
getting a superior at district solo music competition, so that
they get to compete at state. But they do tend to do well at
all the science fairs, geography bees, art fairs, and we have
to deal with it.  And drive to it.

Perhaps the biggest benefit is that *I* feel a sense of
peace and accomplishment seeing him reach adulthood.
There are things we don't agree on, and stuff I feel needs
improvement, but I don't feel at all guilty about my job
as a parent.  I did my best, so I can let go.  I'm not sure I
could feel so comfortable if I had not taken advantage of
the opportunity to be at home and invest that extra time.

--- Which age(s) (kids and adult) do you think it is
*best* to be an at-home parent? Why?

The ages and reasons vary as the child grows.  The first
year is vitally important for infant attachment and
protection from disease.  From ages 3-5, kids thrive being
with other kids in a child-centered environment, so it
seems to be less important (although they are like little
sponges at that age, and there is a lot of teaching that
can go on!).  Kindergarten thru age 8 or so seemed to be
another high-demand time; they are being bombarded with so
much new stuff, having access to a parent after school
really helps.  That is followed by a few more easy years,
as they have developed competence and confidence and are
old enough to be left alone for a few hours.  Ages 12-14
are again (at least for my kids) a high-demand time; they
are going through puberty and have a zillion questions,
and there are new skills that they are able to learn.  For
example, I could go shopping for a baby on my lunch hour;
just find something that fits--he'll wear it.  With an
adolescent girl, you have to go out, let them choose,
analyze it for fabric content and design, and tactfully
negotiate:  "Would you really be comfortable wearing
something with a neckline that low?"  "But it doesn't have
pockets, and you said you won't wear pants without
pockets--alright, it has a side seam, I can insert some
pockets."  Then, after the first year of high school,
there are a few more easier years; they are driving
themselves, can go shopping on their own, and may be
working (but they still benefit from having a parent at
home to keep track of them, help with band boosters,
chaperone field trips, etc.)  But the senior year is so
hectic and time-consuming!  Campus visits, financial aid
forms, banquets and parties, and emotional upheaval as
your child realizes that their life is about to change in
a major way.  That was a really intense time for me as a
parent (some employed parents are established enough in
their careers by then that they can afford to take time
off, make a lot of phone calls from work, etc.)

I do think that it is easier to be an employed parent when
the kids are little--you don't have to schedule around
soccer practice, etc., and they are too young to complain.
My own elementary-school children were proud but resentful
when I was employed, and embarrassed but delighted when I
decided to be at home.  My daughter explained, "The world
may have been a better place because you were in that job, but
I am more important than the rest of the world."  (I thought I had
been a pretty good parent up till then, too.  I had been
to all their plays and concerts, sent treats to school,
and been home at least three days after school each week.)

--- Secrets of the trade (or how you make it through the day)...

1.   Find colleagues.  I have a support network, made up of
other moms from playgroup, women from church, other
volunteers--I'd like to include neighbors, but my last
mommy neighbor just moved away.  We help each other,
bring soup when sick, trade babysitting and swap advice.
2.   As when I was employed, I keep a notebook with me at
all times, which has my schedule, important phone numbers,
pattern yardages, relatives birthdays, lists of videos we
want to rent, and a schedule of weekly and occasional
cleaning tasks.  I enjoy checking things off my lists, and
it helps me feel like I am accomplishing something.  (Of
course I don't FOLLOW my schedule every day--who can, with
kids?  But it is a reminder that I do SOMETHING.)
3.   Each day I try to accomplish something that cannot be
undone, at least for a while.  This might be organizing a
closet, sewing a garment, or writing a thank-you note.
4.   I try to keep mentally alive by getting some
intellectual stimulation while I work, listening to
in-depth news from National Public Radio while I cook,
listening to books on tape from the library as I clean,
reading Newsweek in the bathroom while the kids take a
bath.
5.   Now and then, I take a day off and spend the WHOLE DAY
playing with the kids!
6.   I have a very supportive spouse who values my work,
and frequently reminds me what a good job I am doing.

--- Advice to the full- or part-time working parent who is
 considering being a stay-at-home parent

If you have a good part-time job, that is rewarding and
has decent pay and benefits, keep it!  They are very hard
to find!  It's probably not worth giving it up if you are
only having one or two children and have low-risk
pregnancies that allow you to work throughout.

The most difficult transition for many people is learning to
maintain your self esteem without the strokes of performance
reports, paychecks, kudos in the company newsletter, or the
other external reinforcements than many of us become
 accustomed to.  I had a friend who once told me, "Colleen, you
are important to people for who you are, not what you do."
And I have kept that replaying in my head frequently.

One thing that helped my self-esteem was to invest in a
new wardrobe.  I found that I had nice suits and dresses
for the office, and sweats and jeans for weekends.  But
when I started working at home, I didn't want to spend all
my time in jeans.  For one thing, people don't take me
seriously, and I do have to deal with a lot of doctors,
school administrators, repairmen, etc. (I realize this may
be a local thing).  I favor culottes and cotton knit
pants, usually worn with sandals or leather flat shoes.  I
do wear some make-up (foundation and lipstick actually
help protect your skin) but not eye make-up.  One nice
benefit is that if the kids come home from school and find
me in jeans, they know that I am taking a day off, and not
to bother me if at all possible.

Networking can also help with self-esteem.  It's great to know
other moms who don't think you're crazy for being at home.

Stop saying, "I don't work."  You DO work, at an important
job; you're just not employed right now.

At some point, you will need to reconcile the money problem.
A lot of us have trouble spending money on ourselves when
we are not bringing in a paycheck.  One friend has a personal
allowance, I have a husband who is constantly encouraging me,
and reminds me of my financial contributions.

I would also like to add that people frequently comment on what a
waste of my education it is to be at home "just" raising kids.  I don't
think so at all; I think I am a much better mother for having gotten
an education.  I have been stretched intellectually by helping kids
with math, term paper research, science projects, sentence
diagraming, etc.  There is a poem that explains this very well, "On Nest
Building," by Carol Lynn Pearson from her book, "The Flight and the Nest."

On Nest Building
by Carol Lynn Pearson

Mud is not bad for nest building.
Mud and sticks
And a fallen feather or two will do
And require no reaching.
I could rest there, with my tiny ones,
Sound for the season, at least.

But--
If I may fly awhile--
If I may cut through a sunset going out
And a rainbow coming back,
Color upon color sealed in my eyes--
If I may have the unboundaried skies
For my study,
Clouds, cities, rivers for my rooms--
If I may search the centuries
For melody and meaning--

If I may try for the sun--
I shall come back
Bearing such beauties
Gleaned from God's and Man's very best.
I shall come filled.
And, then--
Oh, the nest that I can build!


--- Division of household/family responsibilities (cooking, cleaning,
repair, etc.).  How it really is and how you would like it.  Any advice
to offer people finding this particular subject difficult to resolve?

Our personal choice is for me and the kids to do all the
housework, so that we can play as a family on the weekend.
Many people think this is unfair, but it works for us.  I
personally feel it would be unfair to ask my partner to do
a full 50% of the work after a long day at the lab, when
he will probably be going back in later in the evening.
The first thing he says when he walks through the door is,
"What can I do?"  When he is home, he is taking care of
the babies or teaching the older kids almost all of the
time.  It's just that he's not home enough to find time
for a LOT of housework.  But he does manage things when I
am sick, or something just needs to be done. When I was
going to graduate school he did a lot more around the
house, and his job performance suffered.  I'm sure our
arrangement will evolve as our family changes.

--- How to find time for yourself

I get up at 5:30 a.m. to read scriptures, exercise, and
read the net.  In the evenings, I go into my room at 9
p.m. so that the kids can come in and talk one by one, and
sometimes I get time alone then as well.

--- How to get an internet connection from home to keep
up with misc.kids :-)

Our community is organizing a free-net.

--- Economic contributions of SAH parents

Many people assume that the parent at home does not make a
contribution to the family finances, and no one can afford
to live on one income.  If there are two able-bodied
parents in the family, this is not necessarily the case.

First, it can take money to make money.  My costs of
employment included daycare, a second car, clothes
(including horrendous drycleaning bills), eating out
frequently and all the things that we had to pay someone
else to do because we didn't have time ourselves.  And you
pay taxes on most of the money that covers your expenses!

A parent at home can do a lot with a baby in one arm or a
toddler on the lap.  For our family, the most obvious
example is buying our home.  In 1990, I devoted 6-9 hours
per day for several months to househunting.  I don't know
how many houses I looked at, but a friend in a similar
situation counted about 70.  I can read my children books
in the waiting room of a bank as well as at home!  We were
attempting to buy a 4-bedroom house in good school zones
as our first home, with no downpayment.  People laughed at
us, some turned us down, but we did it.  And between the
savings in the cost of our home and the financing I
arranged, I earned a pretty good salary.

Another example is orthodontics (braces).  When I was
working outside the home and my daughter needed braces, I
just went to the lady my dentist had recommended.  I
thought about a second opinion, but gave up when I saw
where some of the other offices were located; with my work
schedule, I had to have someplace convenient--and besides,
my employer provided insurance that paid 50%.  However,
when the same situation came up years later, when I was at
home full-time with no orthodontic coverage, I took the time to
get three estimates, all from well-trained people with fine
reputations.  The lowest bid was $1,380 less than the highest.

There are lots of other ways that having the time can save
big chunks of money, and lots of little ones that add up
fast.  I personally never clip coupons; I go after the big-ticket
items like repairing the furnace myself, researching college
scholarships and working on home renovations.

And remember, a penny saved is not a penny earned anymore.
It is 1.33 pennies earned, because you don't have to pay taxes on it!

But it is also important that you adjust your budget to
account for only one wage earner.  Check out the employed
parent's disability benefits and buy an additional policy
if needed, increase your contributions to IRAs or 401k
plans to make up for the lack of retirement funding by one
partner, and make sure the non-employed spouse retains a
credit rating in their own name.

--- How to get back into the workplace

I brought this up because it is a legitimate concern for
many people.  They may want to spend more time with their
kids, but fear derailing their career for the future.  A
lot of it depends on your particular field, and how
difficult it will be to find another job in a few years,
and what the local economy is like.

I found that doing volunteer work can provide references
and proof of skills.  In my case, it was quite a literal transition
from volunteer to paid employee, because after some time as
a volunteer, I was offered a position as paid director of the
place!  It wasn't my dream job, and I left after a while, but
having that line of paid employment on my resume helped
my marketability when a more desirable job appeared.

I also completed some home study college courses while
watching the kids play at the park, and sought volunteer
positions which used my particular skills.  I have friends
who just work a few weekends a month, or attend continuing
education courses in their field to keep their certification current.

Returning to school can be another way of making the
transition; you can update your rusty skills and make new
contacts.  When I entered graduate school with three
little children I was awarded a prestigious University
Fellowship (my husband had applied for those, and never
got one, and he was an awfully good sport about it).  But
you should have read my application essay!  I was going to
major in Journalism, and I told them about compiling a
family cookbook and editing the church newsletter, stuff I
thought they would laugh at.  But they gave me the
fellowship, and I felt it was a victory, not just for me,
but for all mothers at home!

And above all, remember that you are learning a lot of
marketable skills as a mom.  In my first job after
graduate school, I had to organize a seminar for 60
potential clients.  The people I worked with were amazed
at my attention to details.  But I was like, "Gosh, you
guys, this is much easier than a PTA carnival!"

Colleen Porter
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