Last night, I got a 25-inch television. I did this because my TV had begun the slow process of dying. The word I would choose to describe this new TV is "big". It also has stereo sound so my PlayStation doesn't just look nice; it sounds pretty nice too. I got this TV after I had already bought a VCR yesterday. I bought the VCR so I could return my parents' VCR that I've been borrowing ever since this summer. When I called my parents though, they told me to return the VCR and get a TV instead. After sitting around confused for a little while, I did just that.
I'm heading to Jasper for the weekend. I haven't seen my parents in a while. When I return, I will have lifted myself out of the grasp of this sadness that has settled on me today. I will accept nothing less of myself. I want to be happy and so I shall.
I passed a good weekend at my parents' house even though I've been kind of sick all weekend. I played lots of "Super Mario Brothers" (the old school video game for the Nintendo) with my nephew. Also, on my way back into town, I stopped by Rhino Video Games. They had "Gameday 99" used. It was $29.99, and I had a five-dollar coupon. It was still in perfect condition and still had the registration card in the case. That means that I paid twenty-five dollars for a game that I should have paid forty dollars for.
I just got done talking to my friend Chuck. I hadn't heard from him in over two years. Back during my junior and senior years of high school, we were like brothers. He spent most of his time over at my house. When we got out of school, he joined the Air Force; and I hadn't really heard from him since. We were on the phone for about an hour, talking about the things we did back in the day. He's in the Air Force for about two more years, and he can't wait to get out. He's got a girlfriend back home who he's been seeing off and on for like three years now. It was really awesome hearing from him.
I just added a new poem "echoes fading" to my poetry corner. In other news, my friend Decar who also joined the Air Force called me tonight; and we talked for a little bit. I think I would have been more talkative if I hadn't been so hungry.
I have to memorize lines for another scene for my acting class. This time it's from Molière's "The Miser". I have a terrible feeling I won't be getting as much sleep as I would like tonight.
I went to the Blink 182 concert in Jacksonville last night. It was fun even though the conditions were miserable. Imaging being in a room full of people physically exerting themselves with no air conditioning and very poor ventilation. That would be an accurate description of the Milk Bar in Jacksonville where the concert was held. Unwritten Law, one of the opening bands, was about as good as Blink 182 in my opinion. Blink 182 did, however, have the distinction of working in lyrics from SkeeLo's "I Wish" into the show (in the middle of "Dammit"). Because it was so unbearably hot, Blink 182 performed in their boxers. By the time the concert was over, we were all completely soaked with sweat. We were so wet that it felt like we had jumped into a swimming pool with our clothes still on. As you might well imagine, by the time we made it back to Gainesville, we smelled like a truckload of stinking goats. Add to that the fact that we had been surrounded by cigarette smoke at the Milk Bar, and you get a very unpleasant odor. I showered immediately upon my return to the dorm.
I just got back from watching "What Dreams May Come". It was truly a good movie. It had such a blissfully happy ending that it made me very contemplative. This really is a larger trend with me. For some reason, romantic movies with happy endings tend to make me somewhat sad. This movie didn't really make me sad, though. It just made me think a lot. It made me think about happy endings. Someday I'd like the pleasure of holding my happy ending in my arms, kissing her, and telling her that I love her. I have to believe that someday I'll find someone to love. For my own sanity. Is it possible that I'm merely deceiving myself? Yes, it is. It actually reminds me of a Lisa situation from this summer that never made it to the update page. One evening, my friend Richard messaged Lisa and chatted with her for quite some time. After that conversation, Richard told me that he didn't believe things would work out between me and Lisa. I was really down for the rest of the evening; but then, in the middle of the night, I came to call Richard's judgement into question. I told myself that there was still hope. I had to go right on believing that Lisa and I would be together. I didn't consciously do that. I truly believed it. As it turns out, I was doing nothing more than believing a comfortable lie. It's possible that I might be doing something very similar in my faith that I will someday find my someone, but I have to believe. "I want to believe," as Mulder would say. And so I shall. I just hope that I will find her sooner rather than later.
Ever since I got Freakonica, Girls Against Boys' new album, I have been listening to it incessantly. It is a great album.
I think I'm finally beginning to disconnect myself from the whole Lisa situation. There are still so many questions in my mind though. The whole thing was such a postmodern narrative. In the end, there was no resolution. There was only the end. Anytime I think about everything, it's the unresolved questions that I ponder. For instance, at what point did she realize that she wasn't interested in me? Was she ever interested? If so, what changed that? So many times I've just wanted to write her an e-mail and ask her all of these things. Of course, I can't say that she would answer me. So many people have asked me if the answers to those questions really matter; and I can only respond that, yes, in some way, those are the most important questions never asked.
I think I've had too much sleep in the past few days. That paired with the pot of espresso I just drank makes for a fun combo.
I just got done watching Monday Night Football. The Jaguars are still undefeated, and that brings joy to my heart.
Yesterday, when I got of class, I immediately went to my local Barnes and Noble and purchased The Vampire Armand, the newest vampire chronicle. I started reading it over lunch and almost didn't put it down. These novels draw me in. Words like "rich", "seductive", "sensual", "liquid" all come to my brain as I try to describe the Vampire Chronicles. If you haven't read one of them, you really need to. Last night, I went to bed early (ten o'clock). I was so tired. I got up this morning for work in such a romantic mood. Now if I only had someone to lavish this romance on...
I just found out that I might be able to work full-time over Christmas break. My supervisor is going on maternity leave soon, and that means that there might soon be some space in the budget for me. Next summer, I might also get to work about twice what I do now. That means more money for Rusty. My boss is going to talk to her supervisor to see if they can work something out.
I just discovered during my grocery shopping trip that Pepsi has a new product - Pepsi One. It's a one-calorie soda. You might be asking yourself, "How is this any different than Diet Pepsi?" Well, after drinking one glass of it, I would say that it tastes a lot more like regular Pepsi than does Diet Pepsi. I bought a two-liter bottle of it, and I'll be sure to keep you posted if my opinion changes.
I would like a girlfriend to shower attention on. This is one of those nights that I would love to be listening to music or watching TV or just being with (here is the key) a young lady who liked me enough to consider me her boyfriend. Of course, I feel like this every night.
Why must I be cursed with solitude?
I will be a real person when I have a girlfriend and a cat.
Well, I went to Jasper for part of the weekend. I was there Friday night and most of Saturday. I made it back to Gainesville around 10:00 tonight. Shortly after I got back, Jen and Allyson came downstairs to watch "The Truth About Cats and Dogs". Eric fell asleep during the movie. (Gamedays are long days for him.) After the movie was over, Allyson, Jen, and I spent the next few hours talking and laughing. As I sit here at my computer trying to type this update, I'm hard pressed to describe exactly how much fun that was. It felt good to simply hang around and converse with friends. Jen and Allyson have become two of my best friends. I would do anything in my meager power to help them.
Why can't I have a girlfriend? I honestly believe that I could be a good boyfriend. At least very least, I can swear that I would give it everything I have, everything I am. I feel like only half a person. I have so much love in my heart and no one to share it with. When I'm watching TV, I want someone there holding my hand. I want someone to hold in my arms while listening to music. When I'm driving, I want someone there in the passenger seat. I want someone who's not ashamed to call me her boyfriend, someone who smiles when I refer to her as "my girlfriend". I want someone who cries with me when I'm sad and still knows how to laugh. I want the experience of "making out". I want to go out on a real date. I want to know what Valentine's Day is like when you have someone that you can hold close and enjoy. I want to be able to watch a romantic movie with a girlfriend of my very own so I won't be sad when the credits roll. I just don't want to be alone anymore. And yet there's absolutely nothing I can do. I don't even know any single girls (well, with the exception of Lisa). I think I'm off to bed now. If there's nothing I can do, I might as well be asleep.
On my way to work this morning, I found a little Hello Kitty figurine lying on the sidewalk. It's kind of dirty, but I'll clean it up and it will just the niftiest thing I've ever found on a sidewalk. I find the coolest things.
Gator Telephone Service sent me a bill today for fifty-eight cents. I laughed at them.
I am so typical. That's the worst insult I can think of to apply to myself. "Why would you insult yourself so, Rusty?" you may be asking. Well, part of it is just that I'm in a very down mood. (For more clarification on why I would be in a down mood, consult any update that has the word "girlfriend" in it.) More specifically, I've been pondering my recent attraction to Lisa. From all reports I have consulted, Lisa is apparently a girl in very high demand with the guys. This is one of things that makes me typical. "But, Rusty," you might ask, "are you saying that you shouldn't have been interested in Lisa?" No. I would never say that. I could expound for quite sometime on the subject of why Lisa Toth is one of the coolest girls in the world. I'm just saying that it shows that I failed. Lisa has had many admirers in her time at the University of Florida. Perhaps what she really needed was a friend. I allowed my feelings toward her to interfere with that friendship, and I don't know if I can forgive myself for that. I'm a real jerk. I am so typical.
I am in debt to Jen for single-handly pulling me out of the funk I've been in all day.
I just bought my very own Aeris doll from Software Etc. She came with a chocobo.
I went to the Garbage concert last night. The opening band was Girls Against Boys. I really enjoyed them. They were probably the best opening band I've seen. Sometime after Garbage went on, I began slowly forcing my way to the front. This was a very difficult task. My back was contorted in ways that it should never have been. My diligence, however, paid off. I made it all the way to the front. Shirley Manson was five feet away from me. When I made it back to Gainesville sometime around 3:30, I had to write a five-page paper for my drama class. I went to bed around six and got up for work at seven. I'm very tired.
Today is a very special day (aside from being my mother's fiftieth birthday). You see, ten years ago today, I had my accident.
Today is shaping up to be a very good day. In addition to being payday, my boss approved me for full-time for two weeks during Christmas break (with Christmas off), full-time for the week of Spring Break, and full-time for the week after the end of the spring semester. Furthermore she said, "I don't know how you'll feel about working this summer," and I assured her that as long as I had a job at the registrar's office I would take some classes this summer. I've also been approved to work twenty hours per week next term.
I just finished reading The Vampire Armand. I loved every word. I think now I'll go get some frozen yogurt.
No one is here. No one is online. Apparently, they all have lives. I don't. I'm totally alone and eating chocolate frozen yogurt.
I've been reading my old high school journal. I was such an idiot. Of course, I still am. I'm just a different idiot.
I got up this morning and turned on my computer. When Windows 98 finished booting up, it told me that it had automatically changed the time for me due to Daylight Savings Time. I was so happy to discover that I had an extra hour to play with.
I just ordered Dinosaur Jr.'s Fossils EP from CDNow. I've been looking for it all over Gainesville, and no one has it. Fossils has Dinosaur Jr.'s cover of "Just Like Heaven" on it. It should be here in about a week.
In case any of you are wondering why I'm not online tonight, I should tell you that I'm working very diligently on my Early Christianity midterm essays. I don't expect to sleep tonight. I expect that I'll be working on these essays pretty much up until I go to work at 8:30 tomorrow morning. On a (fitter) happier (more productive) note, I got Radiohead's OK Computer CD today. I've heard it lots of times, and I really wanted it. I just hadn't gotten around to getting it.
I'm going to take a break from my pondering of the exegetical implications of the apostlate and apostasy of Paul to walk around in the cool of the night, wishing I had a girlfriend to share it with.
I think I'm going to take a shower to jolt myself awake. My mind is starting to drift.
I just finished my midterm essays about an hour ago. I haven't been to sleep at all.
I've been up for over thirty hours now. No sleep. Technically, I should sleep. Right now I'm starving though. I should eat. Of course, I have nothing here. That makes things just a bit more complicated.
I just got done watching some "South Park" videos up in Jen's room. Jen's boyfriend Chris is visiting. So it was Jen and Chris, Eric and Allyson, and Rusty. I don' t have a girlfriend. Well, I've been up for over 37 hours now. I think it's time to crash.
I just spent about an hour trying to figure out how I could move my stuff around here in the room. I couldn't figure a way to do it.
Eric and I moved the room around big time yesterday. As I mentioned in yesterday's update, I wanted to move stuff around. I spent most of the afternoon figuring out how I could move things around to make the friendlier and more relaxing. I couldn't think of anything because we have so much stuff in our small dorm room. So I gave up for a while. Eric and I ended up going to Checkers with Jen and Allyson. We sat outside of Checkers talking for the longest time just talking and laughing, and then Jen and Allyson (who we had told about the moving bug while chatting with them) asked if they could move our room around. We said sure. When we finally got back to the dorm, we were too busy talking to move furniture. After a while, we started throwing around moving ideas. We thought about bunking the beds and ended up discussing that for like half an hour. Finally, Eric sketched out an idea, and we moved stuff. We have the beds bunked and all of our stuff mixed together. We have so much more space this way. As were finishing our rearranging, Jen asked if we could watch "The Son-in-Law". I put the tape in, and we all had an absolutely stellar time laughing at the zany antics of Pauly Shore in a movie that was actually good.
I was supposed to watch "Jackie Brown" for my cultural studies class today. I diligently went to my local Blockbuster Video and rented it. Then, Eric and I watched the "South Park" Halloween episode. After that was over, we kept right on watching Comedy Central until we fell asleep. I guess I'll just wing it in class today and watch it when I get in from class.
I think I'm off to Hooters in Jacksonville because George and Jason are having a chicken wing craving.
I'm back from the den of objectification, and my fingers smell like buffalo chicken wings.
Halloween is upon us. This is my favorite holiday on the calendar. I love the darkness of the whole thing.