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Copy from one, it's plagiarism;
Copy from two, it's research.
-- Wilson Mizner
Drawing on my fine command of language. I said nothing.
-- Robert Benchley
The most wonderful thing about Tiggers,
Is Tiggers are wonderful things
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs.
They're flouncy, trouncy, pouncy, bouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun
But the MOST wonderful thing about Tiggers is
I'm the only one!
-- Tigger
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
-- Thomas Watson, 1943 Chairman of IBM
If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
-- Will Rogers
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
-- Ken Olson, 1977, Digital Corp.
640K ought to be enough for anybody.
-- Bill Gates, 1981
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
-- A Yale University management professor in response to student Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Federal Express, Corp.)
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
-- H. M. Warner, 1927 Warner Bros.
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
-- Decca Recording, rejecting the Beatles, 1962
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
-- Charles H. Duell, 1899 Commis. US Patent Office
I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
-- Charles Schulz
Poisons pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
-- Dorothy Parker
And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free. -- John VII
Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad. -- Aldous Huxley
A sweater is a garment worn by a child when his mother feels chilly.
A layman knows he has to kick it;
An amateur knows where to kick it;
A professional knows how hard.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
-- Carl Zwanzig
Out the 10 Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall... nothing but NET.
When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it's only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it's two hours. That's relativity.
-- Albert Einstein
I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. (Oh not deprived by rather underprivileged.) Then they told me that underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary.
-- Jules Feiffer, 1965
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
-- Phyllis Diller
Life is uncertain, eat dessert first.
-- Ernestine Ulmer
There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but not it happens to everybody.
Midlife crisis is that moment when you realize that your children and your clothes are about the same age.
Money isn't everything, and I wish I had a dollar for every time I've said that.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A dark room is not the best place to develop a reputation..
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot
Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out.
Experience: what allows you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle.
-- Rita Mae Brown
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
The Old Loony of Lyme
There was an old loony of Lyme,
Whose candour was simply sumblime;
When you asked, 'Are you there?'
'Yes' he said, 'but take care,
For I'm never "all there" at a time'.
Try to get all your posthumous medals in advance.
Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.
Half moon tonitie (At least it's better than no moon at all).
User (n.): a programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good $.5 bagel.
Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend; and inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx
I haven't lost my mind;
I know exactly where I left it.
Painting (n.): The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
Save energy: be apathetic.
Goldstern's Rules:
1. Always hire a rich attorney.
2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
-- Miguel de Cervantes
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
God made the idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
-- Mark Twain
Good Day.
-- Paul Harvey
Can't rain all the time.
-- The Crow
The fly likes to fly, cuz it don't like to stay.
-- PUSA
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Macs SUCK!
-- Lee Vormbrock
I came here to chew gum and kick some ass... and I'm all out of gum.
-- They Live
Impiety: your irreverence toward my deity.
-- Ambrose Bierce
In Paris, they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.
-- Mark Twain
Clopton's Law -- for every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
-- Richard Clopton
He has every attribute of a dog except loyalty.
-- Senator Thomas P. Gore
A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
-- H. L. Mencken
Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork?
-- Stanislaw J. Lec
I couldn't waiit for success -- so I went ahead without it.
-- Jonatha Winters
If I get a little money, I buy books; and if any is left, I buy food and clothes.
-- Desiderius Erasmus
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
-- Harry S. Truman
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-- Fletcher Knebel
In a mad world, only the mad are sane.
-- Akira Kurosawa
Military Intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx
Murphy's Law: If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it.
-- Edward A Murphy, Jr.
Being Politically Correct means always having to say you're sorry.
-- Charles Osgood
Resistance is useless.
-- Dr. Who
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
-- Steven Wright
Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
-- Unknown
The only difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word fuck.
-- Unknown
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
-- Douglas Adams
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!), but 'That's funny...'
-- Isaac Asimov
If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking 'Do you want fries with that?'
-- John Cleese
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
-- Snoopy
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
-- Mark Twain
While hunting in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How an elephant got into my pajamas I'll never know.
-- Groucho Marx
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
-- Andy Rooney
It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English - up to 50 words used in correct context - no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese.
-- Carl Sagan
....adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them.
-- Dr. Suess
It is generally agreed that 'Hello' is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said 'Goodbye', it could confuse a lot of people.
-- Dolph Sharp
I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to.
-- Yakov Smirnoff
There's no sense in being precise when you don't know what you're talking about.
-- John von Neumann
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
-- Joe Walsh
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
-- Bert Whitney
People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.
-- Rebecca West
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
-- William Clinton
If it weren't for women, men would still be wearing last weeks socks.
-- Cynthia Nelms
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
-- W. C. Fields
A diplomat ... is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
-- Caskie Stinnet
There is no monument dedicated to the memory of a committee.
-- Lester J. Pourciau
The difference between a violin and viola is that a viola burns longer.
-- Victor Borge
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
-- Frank Zappa
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
If computers get too powerful we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in.
-- Bradley's Bromide
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That's deep enough. What do you want -- an adorable pancreas?
-- Jean Kerr
Foolproof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of fools.
-- Gene Brown
We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
-- Jeff Marden
Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
-- Mary Ellen Kelly
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
-- Anonymous
If confusion is the first step to knowledge, I must be a genius.
-- Larry Leissner
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
-- Anonymous
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
-- Robert Orben
One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop.
-- G. Weilacher
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
-- Anonymous
If you talk the talk, you damn well better walk the walk.
-- Anthony D'Angelo
A Law of Computer Programming: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine:
This living, this living, this living, Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is the gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle, And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So, I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- Would you kindly direct me to hell?
-- Dorothy Parker
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls.. if thou art in the bathtub it tolls for thee.
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
-- Jules de Gaultier
The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Few of us can stand prosperity -- another man's that is!
After all is said and done, a lot more will be said than done.
An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
-- Will Rogers
Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working.
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
-- Jerome K. Jerome
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
-- Napolean Bonaparte
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
-- Al Capone
Super-cali-fragil-istic-expi-ali-docious.
-- from Disney's Mary Poppins
To do is to be. -- Aristotle
To be is to do. -- Plato
Do be do be do. -- Frank Sinatra
I'm furious about the Women's Liberationists. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming that women are brighter than men. That's true, but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket.
-- Anita Loos
Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless; peacocks and lilies, for example.
-- John Ruskin
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
-- Robert Cringely (Info World)
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
-- J. J. Fumas
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
-- Tallula Bankhead
Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on that subject.
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?
-- Clarence Darrow
We seem to have a compulsion these days to bury time capsules in order to give those people living in the next century or so some idea of what we are like. I have prepared one of my own. I have placed some rather large samples of dynamite, gunpowder, and nitroglycerin. My time capsule is set to go off in the year 3000. It will show them what we are really like.
-- Alfred Hitchcock
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
-- Johann Sebastian Bach
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
-- Don Marquis
I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it.
-- Marilyn Monroe
If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.
-- Margaret Thatcher
Opposites can attract, as in magnetism. Or explode, as in matter and antimatter.
-- Peter David
If your project doesn't work, look for the part that you didn't think was important.
-- Arther Bloch
You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
-- Erica Jong
Men build bridges and throw railroads across deserts, and yet they contend successfully that the job of sewing a button is beyond them. Accordingly, they don't have to sew buttons.
-- Heywood Broun
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.
-- Thomas Szasz
Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
-- Mark Twain
The best computer is a man, and it's the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.
-- Warner von Braun
Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.
-- Gildor Inglorion from J. R. R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings
On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women.
-- H. L. Mencken
A relationship is what happens between two people who are waiting for something better to come along.
-- Anonymous
Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right - instantly.
-- Sam Slick (Thomas Chandler Haliburton)