The Titans

Written by R.J. Stewart
Directed by Eric Brevig


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Pursh on The Titans:


But for the replay of Draco music when gABrielle, in defiance of Xena, sneaks into Cave o' da Tight Ones to read the second scroll, this is a well crafted story peppered with zipity one-liners like Hesiod's unmitigated braggadocio about "having no scruples whatsoever," and gABrielle's directive to the height plus crew to "disperse these ruffians."

I love young gABrielle. The girlish innocence ROC brings to the early gABby is a tribute to her range, especially given the mature situations she grows into by the third and fourth seasons.


Still, there are a few lose ends here that need attention for this to fully qualify as a legitimate slam dunk rewind fest.

Firstly, Hyperion the Crabby Sun Titan, Lord of the Skies, needs an attitude adjustment. For making us witness his hormone surges he should do some community service type penance like sharing his dental hygiene secrets with the rest of us. The big boy has gorgeous teeth, and he ought to get them clacking to the tune of an apology to Baldy Chris Everett Lloyd headband Titan for the stalactite stabbing. Although Hyperion's pretty choppers alone would probably be enough to qualify him for heaven, the Elusian Fields, Erebus, the Amazon Land of the Dead (honorary big boy section), Illusia or wherever, the killing of a fellow giant is no small sin, and Mr. pretty smile guy didn't give up an ounce of remorse after he murdered his oversized peer.

And what of Baldy Titan and that very '70's headband? Talk about sinning. There really is no need for hair accessories when one lacks hair. No wonder Girl Titan broke it off with him. But dead or not, Baldy should apologize to the Big Curl Girl for fawning over her to the point of annoyance, and she should apologize to him, headband not withstanding, for her part in what appears to be a bad break-up. The Big Girl also owes us a fans a nod o' pardon beggin' for her weird ass moaning during the boys' stalactite fight. And gABrielle is deserving of a heart-felt "I'm sorry" from her for her use of the Cyclops-style Bard trap.

Crab apple Titan also owes gABrielle an apology for blowing his stone bad breath on her, and the good Bard should apologize to Xena for leading her, and the rest of us, into the fictional but nonetheless alarming possibility that she shared the bed covers and more with the Bart Simpson haired boy. And as far as that goes gABrielle's developing relationship with Argo is more interesting than that implied tryst.

Dear, dear gABrielle, don't be sorry. Just improve.


Xena, of course, remains in fine fettle throughout the entire episode.

Fine fettle feat number one: Her first recorded hair whip on Hesiod's gang of poorly modulated, dick wanking morons couldn't have happened to a nicer bunch of boys.

Fine fettle feat number two: She does a bully job as the Sacred One's protector, maintaining a beneficent graciousness in never blaming gABrielle for the mess that she created with the Titans.

And in the spirit of a true protector, she also renders a delicious show of relief after learning that gABrielle's sacred virginity is still in tact. Or is that show of relief related to her learning that gABrielle still has the power to turn the Titans back to stone? In either case the Butchy Princess once again clocks in at the front of the pack when it comes to being an all around great lesbian.

And speaking of all around great, toss a big smooch-ola to the prop folks and set crew for the cool, round temple of Cronos window. There's a great view of it right before the Mighty Princess gets netted by her lessors. The attention to detail on the Xena set is consistently outstanding.


In a well lit barn Xena gathers her things and prepares to mount Argo while gABriellle mills about humming a Dorian chant using Ionian rhythms.

XENA (irritated): For the love of the Mother gABrielle could you pipe down! That is the most disjunctive melody I've ever heard, not counting of course the time Toris forced me to listen to Harry Crews when we were kids.

gABrielle: Kay. I'll shut up. Sorry to bother you.

XENA (not looking up at gABrielle as she tends to some butchly butch butchy duty regarding the knotting and unknotting of Argo's reigns): Humph.

gABrielle (alarmed at Xena's irritated distance): Please don't hate me Xena. I said I was sorry...

XENA (dropping the reigns and looking up at the 1970's maxi skirt clad, barely age of majority teenager): Oh goddess. For your information, I could never hate you. Your heart's always in the right place.

PURSH: Ahhhh. I love these early days of not so ambiguous ambiguity.

gABrielle (indicating Pursh): Who the hell is that?

XENA: Just ignore her. I do.

gABrielle: Kay.

gABrielle ignores Pursh, pauses and turns her attention back to her big butch leather "friend."

gABrielle: Xena, you mean you don't hate me for trying to rule the world with the Titans?

XENA: Everybody makes mistakes, poopsie.

gABrielle: What about when I got myself kidnapped so I could stop a war.

XENA: Hey that took a lot of guts on your part.

gABrielle: What about when you thought I did the big nasty with Mr. French Fry hair?

XENA: Well gABrielle to tell you the truth I did have a moment of worry wondering if you had a proper understanding of the Dorian rhythm method.

gABrielle: Oh. Well I do.

XENA: Phew.

gABrielle: What about when I got Argo's reigns tangled?

XENA: Look, the point is we're girl friends, just not everybody sees it yet...

PURSH: I see it! I see it! And there are thousands more like me! Heck, maybe even a million, like at the 1993 March on Washington....

XENA (ignoring Pursh):...we can't let a thing like tangled reigns come between us.

gABrielle (suddenly sultry at Xena's acknowledgment of the true nature of their relating): Au contrarie, Xena girl. I think you and me and a slew o' tangled reigns might be a corking good time.

XENA: Yeow! I thought you'd never ask...errrr...intimate your, uhhh, preference, uhhh, quite like that...

PURSH: But she did Xena, I heard her!

gABrielle (again ignoring Pursh):...well I did Xena, you just heard me.

PURSH: Yea, what she said! What she said!

XENA (continuing to ignore Pursh): Yee-haw! We're on!

PURSH: You sure are, sista!

gABrielle: Uh-huh...

XENA: Just leave Mr. French Fry hair and the rhythm method at home, kay?

gABrielle: Sure. That is as long as you promise to slap together a home use mini version of that cool Hyperion handcuff to go with those reigns.

XENA: Deal!

c. 1999 Pursh
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