Hercules and Xena Banner
Hercules and Xena Banner Exchange

Return Of Callisto

Written by R.J. Stewart
Directed by T.J. Scott


Top back to TWO DINARS

Pursh on Return of Callisto:


Okay, no doubt this ep definitely qualifies as a legitimate babe fest with the holy trinity (Calli, Xeni and gABy) all out in full force. Worshipping aside though, shall we commence to tweak with temerity?

For starters just what is up with Theodorus' accent? Gawds, he sounds like he's got a banana split forever lodged somewhere between his tonsils and his trachea. And then there's Percolator. He's certainly a less than remarkable footnote in the chronicles of gABriellian romance.


Calli has just finished putting the here-piggy-piggy Warrior Queen hooey on the entire Alcatraz staff.

CALLISTO: Theo-dum-dum bring along that charming electric chair. If we end up in a death penalty state we can hawk it to the government for use in the war on drugs.

THEO-DO-DO (as he nods in obedience and straps the unwieldy object atop his Paleolithic head): Yss mmm Kween.


Alone on her bedroll Xena watches gABrielle as she sleeps. Our Butch Princess sighs as the campfire between them simultaneously glows and tosses chaotic shadows on the snoozin' Bard. For the thousandth time the Warrior Breastplate fully and silently admits to herself that she is madly in love with gABrielle, and that what she wants most the world is to unambiguously kiss the little minx of Poteidaia square on the mouth, tounge included. She quietly curses her fierce shy streak and acknowledges that she would pretty much do just about anything to feel gABrielle's lips next to hers.

Suddenly Percolator, the human coffee pot, a male, jumps out of the bushes and sits down cross legged at gABrielle's side. Starting from her prone position Xena back flips her way into his face to make sure that no unauthorized body mingling befalls her precious Bard. With all the ruckus gABS slowly awakes.

gABrielle (drowsily): Whaaa...what's going on? Why is everyone up in the middle of the night?

Xena begins to explain, but gABrielle interrupts her.

gABrielle (to Percolator as she sits upright and gathers her blankies around her chin, covering her previously unself-conscious and happy nakedness): Who the hell are you?

PERCOLATOR: gABrielle, well, we had home room together in the sixth grade and all, and well, will you be my wife?

Xena rolls her eyes.

XENA: Look, you two chat. I'm gonna go brush Argo's fleas.

PERCOLATOR: Nice to see you again Xena.

XENA: Whatever.

gABrielle (to Percolator): Uhhhh, look mister, sorry, uhhhhh, I can't marry you. I don't mean to break your heart or anything, but I'm secretly in love with Xena. Plus I don't know you and I remember very little about sixth grade, except when that cute little Greek girl, Anaktoria, moved to Poteidaia about mid-term.

PERCOLATOR: gABrielle! C'mon! You 'member me in sixth grade! I know you do. I'm Percolator, the human coffee pot, a male. Remember we sat by each other in expository writing once, but then I started perking and it annoyed you so much that you couldn't write so you moved your chair to sit by that new girl from Athens.

gABrielle: Oh, I remember you now! You're Pukey...no Perky...no Perdicky...oh poo, I can't remember your name, but I do know for sure that I moved my chair to be close to Anaktoria, who was from Lesbos, not Athens.

PERCOLATOR: It was Athens!

gABrielle: It was Lesbos. Trust me.

PERCOLATOR: Well, anyway, lets get married, 'kay?

gABrielle: Look Puker, you've got some 'splainin' to do here...

PERCOLATOR: Does that mean yes?

gABrielle: ...like if you're the boy coffee pot that I think you are, you've shrunk dramatically since Sins of the Past. Not to mention that you have an entirely new face and clean new filters! Funny I didn't notice that in Troy, but then again you are kind of an unremarkable sort. No offense intended, of course.

PERCOLATOR: Should I take that as a yes?!

gABrielle: Percadon, I don't know if I'm who you really think I am. I'm a dyke. And you're a coffee pot with legs and minimal gray matter. And I'm so desperately in love with Xena that I'd put myself in almost any situation, no matter how ridiculous, just to get her to kiss me. She's so shy about these things.

PERCOLATOR: Does that mean you'll marry me then?

gABrielle: Well, hmmmm, do you think Xena will kiss me if I do?

PERCOLATOR: It's worth a try!


XENA (to gABrielle as they walk along the seaside): So what's your answer? Ya gonna marry that gurgling mope or what?

gABrielle: Yes of course!

XENA: Well why don't you tell him then?

gABrielle: I'm waiting for the right time.

XENSA: gABrielle, you're a good woman...

gABrielle: So are you. So sensitive and kind. I've never been around anyone who makes me feel as comfortable and happy as you do.

XENA: Look, gABrielle, if this marrying Percolator is just some charade you're instigating to inspire me to get off my shy butch ass to kiss you, well, believe me, it's a damn good ruse, and it will definitely work.

gABrielle: It will! Yee-haw! Percolator? Is that his name? I've got to try to remember that. 'Bye Xena!

XENA: Hey, where are you going?!

gABrielle: Why to plan my wedding of course!


PRIESTOID: And the winds bring forth a heterosexist glaze upon the syndicated screen, and bless your union for the sole purpose of juxtaposing Xena and gABrielle's kiss with the most het of all acts, ye this, the matrimonial union of a lesbian and a male coffee pot. Ye go forth now o' ye females and kiss without alot of hooey from the uptighty crowd for thine lips may touch now that one of thou has entered thy matrimonial state with the coffee pot, a male. And it is from this vantage point ye naysayers go henceforth pretending without too much brain stress that the Warrior and the Scribe are just real good friends.

PERCOLATOR: I love you gABrielle. I'm so happy! Look, I'm bubbling!

gABrielle: Oh by the gods, Percolator you're always bubbling. That's what Percolators do.

PERCOLATOR: Oh right. But I'm still way happy to be wed in holy union with you, my bride.

gABrielle: Back off Bub. Xena and I are scheduled for a big moment here in about thirty seconds and I don't want you wrinkling my dress in the interim. Now scram while I flirt with Xena.

PERCOLATOR: Sure honey. Take your time.

XENA: I'm so happy that we finally get to kiss. But I'm a little nervous.

gABrielle: Don't be scared sweetie. It's just a kiss. Sigh. I wish this moment would last forever.

XENA: Yea. Hurry up and divorce that hot pot. In the meantime I'll follow you around, sleep on your front porch, and protect you from all that is evil.

gABrielle: Sigh. You know I think I fell in love with you when I first saw you in your white miniskirt undies in Sins of the Past.

XENA: No kidding?

Our gals have meaningful eye contact and slowly lean toward one another. They commence to kiss-ola on the lips with the greatest of ease for an appropriately extended period time.

gABrielle: Yum! That was even better than my fertile bardic imagination ever guessed it would be!

XENA: Sigh.

gABrielle: Well I guess I better go through the motions and scamper off with Puker so we can open our wedding presents.

XENA: Hey pumpkin, be sure to remember to leave some cookies and milk out on the front porch for me, huh.


gABrielle stands near a huge and aesthetically pleasing bedroom window trying to refrain from making cruel comments to Perk-a-dork about his lace up three musketeer's nuptial nightshirt. Secretly the Bard prays for a hint of the lalalalalalalalala sound of Xena flying through the air. In the absence of the lalalalalalalalala she strains her ears hoping to hear the familiar clomp clomp of Argo's girlish gait, or at a minimum the air splitting flight of the chakram.

gABrielle: Sigh. Where is Xena?

PERCOLATOR: I 'own know.

gABrielle continues to speak out into the dark night while Percolator tries to undo the shoe laces on his shirt.

gABrielle: Gawds I miss her. This sucks. She said she'd be waiting on the front porch, and I'm really in the mood for some more post-wedding smooching.

The Bard sighs again as she watches Percolator fumble with his shirt.

gABrielle: Perky, I can't do this. In case the fact has somehow passed you by, I need to tell you that I'm in love with Xena, not you.

PERCOLATOR: You are? Should we talk about this? I'm just a little preoccupied here trying to undo the shoelaces on my shirt. Mummy tied them in double knots so they wouldn't come undone before the wedding.

gABrielle (looking out the window as she speaks softly to her self): Gawds this coffee pot guy is daft. I guess I just have to be really, really clear with him.

gABrielle: Percolator listen, I need to be honest with you. I've been with other women. And I'd like to keep that salient trend going by being with Xena. How 'bout you? Is there someone else out there who might possibly take you away from me? Have you been with other women?

PERCOLATOR: gABrielle, well...I...I'm a solider...and...human coffee pots like me are real desirable on the battlefield...and...uh...

gABrielle: Oh, so you've been with other men?


gABrielle: But I'm the first gal?


gABrielle: Okay Perker babe, I'm gonna be real candid with you here. I'm not into to this. I can't get Xena's wedding kiss off my mind. Not to mention her cute bangs, her slightly less than bold and not quite flesh-tone lipstick, and her well-fitting and shapely bustier.

PERCOLATOR: Well that makes sense, since you're in love with her and not me. I know! Let's have 5,000 children and name them all Xena!

gABrielle makes like a Greek chorus and turns to us fans, looking out the pretty window as she begins to speak.

gABrielle: Am I missing something? Is there a slower and simpler way to explain this to him?

Upon hearing a small twig crack she quickly looks to the ground below, checking for any sign of her beloved. She sighs upon realizing that the movement below was only a small, happy possum taking her nightly stroll. gABrielle turns her attention back to Percolator.

gABrielle: Percolator there's one little problem with that 5,000 kids plan.

PERCOLATOR: What's that dear?

gABrielle: In order to do that, you know have 5,000 little Xena's, I'd have to have sex with you on multiple occasions, and that's just not going to happen in this lifetime. If I'm going to have multiple sexual relations with anyone it's going to be Xena. And even if that never happens, Holy Mother Goddess Hera Sweet Sister of the Light Praise Hestia Blessed Be forbid, I still wouldn't be inclined to have sex with you, especially if you keep coming to bed with that dorky shirt on.

PERCOLATOR: Hey! Vidalis made this shirt special for me!

gABrielle: Oh. Well I understand you wanting to wear it if it has sentimental value and all, but I'm still not going to do the big nasty with you. Like I said, I'm in love with Xena.

PERCOLATOR: gABrielle, you're not going to sleep with me? Is that what you're saying? Is there someone else?

gABrielle (to herself): Gawds! This must be what I meant when I called Percolator "dull" and "stupid" in Sins of the Past. Damn, I had good instincts as a child. And I've got good instincts as a woman. That's it. I'm outa here. I'm gonna go find Xena right now.

gABrielle: Perky, I need some air, and I want to go look for Xena. What say we take a walk?

PERCOLATOR: Well, I just got my shirt off.

gABrielle: So put it back on.

PERCOLATOR: Kay. Just a sec here.

Perky gets his shirt on and starts to rummage through his handy soldier's duffle bag.

gABrielle: (impatiently): Perkus, what are you doing?

PERCOLATOR: Looking for that new extension cord that Lilla and Tara gave us for our wedding. I can't go on a long walk without it. If I don't stay plugged in my indicator light goes out, and well that's about the worst thing that can happen to a human coffee pot. Ah! Here it is!

gABrielle: Well plug in and let's go. My hormones are screaming for a Xena fix.


gABby and Pukey walk up a rural road and pause near a very pretty meadow.

gABrielle (inhaling and exhaling deeply with her arms outstretched): Blessed be! Mother Earth is so absolutely divine. How blessed are we to be here on this beautiful day! What a gift!

PERCOLATOR: Mother Earth is pretty cool all right.

gABrielle: Now, where is that Xena? She promised there was more to come after our kiss and she said she'd be following me around.

After a double tricky silent and invisible approach Callisto appears on the road atop her crabby horse, Cargo, Argo's evil cousin.

CALLI (as she brandishes her sword): gABby and Xena sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g...PLLLLPPPPPPP. Love, love, love...

PERCOLATOR: Hey we're unarmed.

CALLI: Humph. Yet more proof of your abject stronghold on rank stupidity. Now be gone twit.

With one smooth flick of her perfectly proportioned wrist Callisto snaps the juncture where Percolator's extension cord meets his regular outlet plug. He slurps and gurgles and droops and manages to bubble up one last spurt of organic Turkish blend before his little red indicator light flashes out for good. Within two seconds Calli adroitly ties a good slip knot in the cord. She begins to lasso gABrielle with it just as Xena rounds the bend.

CALLI: Rats!

XENA: Put down that extension cord Callisto.

As she begins to clomp off on Cargo Calli liberates gABrielle and releases a delirious cackle while she adeptly stuffs the extension cord into her inside breast pocket.


Xena and gABrielle lovingly prepare a huge funeral pyre whereupon they place Percolator and all of his little plastic accessories. With a notable lack of sentimentality Xena tosses Joxer's corpse onto the pile.

gABrielle (indicating Joxer): What's that?

XENA: Kindling.

Xena spots a stack of Percolator's clean new filters.

XENA (pointing to the filters): You forgot those.

gABrielle: Sigh. Might as well toss 'em on.

Xena chucks the bleached white paper bowl-like necessities into the fire. The Bard and the Breastplate stand side by side as the flames throw an orange cast around them.

gABrielle (turning to Xena): Sniff. I know I didn't know him that well, but it's such a shame to render a him unto the flames without his extension cord.

Dramatic pause.

gABrielle: That's the last one.

XENA: Whaddya mean?

gABrielle: I mean that's the last one of my wedding presents Callisto is going to steal. From here on out all I want in my hands is that extension cord.

XENA: Gawds, can't we just go buy a new one? I hear Wal Martian is having a roll back sale.

gABrielle: No Xena. It wouldn't be the same. In the morning I'm going after Callisto and I'm going to get that cord. The only question is, are you coming with me or not?

XENA: Oh aw right.


With the newly risen sun at her back, Xena approaches gABrielle who is practicing pick pocketing techniques on an unsuspecting 150 year old tree.

XENA: gABrielle?

gABrielle: Is it time?

XENA: Yes.

gABrielle: I'm ready.

XENA: gABrielle, when we find Callisto don't try to pick her pocket one on one. You'll be dead in seconds. Her outfit is rather intimately cut and an inexperienced pick pocket like you will have trouble stealing a 4,000 foot extension cord from the inner recesses of her stylish, albeit sprase, leather-babe suit.

gABrielle: Well maybe if you would school me in the finer ways of ribald thievery I might have a fighting chance.

XENA: Good Goddess gABrielle! Show some respect would ya! I'm a murderer, not a petty thief!

gABrielle: Well, I don't care what you say, I'm getting my extension cord back and you're going to teach me how to get it.

XENA: No. I won't do it. If you're taken over by the uncontrollable urge to commit misdemeanor theft then Callisto wins.

gABrielle: I've got news for you Xena, she's already won.

XENA: But what about your idle idyllic idyls and idolization of idealistic idealism, not to mention your ideals?

gABrielle: I've got news for you Princess. A wedding gift is a wedding gift. Even if the wedding is a sham. How's that for idle idyllic idolization of idealistic ideals? Now let's go get that damn cord.


gABrielle sits by a dullish fire scowling into the lackluster flames as an unusually jubilliant Xena approaches her.

XENA: gABby! I've been spying on Calli! She and clogged throat boy are having a huge party and they have subjected your cord to a term of indentured servitude against its will!

gABrielle: Gasp. Tell me every sordid detail.

XENA: Stay calm honey. Your beloved cord is plugged into a late model coffee machine that hasn't been properly washed in probably three decades!

gABrielle: Double gasp. Well I guess that explains why Callisto is stealing supplies from others. Clearly her army is broke!

XENA: Right! Not only is Perky's cord plugged into a dirty machine, it's also a much cheaper model than him!

gABrielle: Gawds! Mother always used to say that lack of dinars is no excuse for tackiness. This is obscene blasphemy. I'm gonna go get my cord right now!

XENA: Hang on sweetie. While I agree with your Mother 100 percent, if we wait a bit they'll all be so toasted that we'll be able to walk right in and get your cord before Calli has the chance to put it back in her pocket.

gABrielle: Oh goody! And maybe we can clean up a bit for them while they sleep. I'll go heat some sudsy dish washing water for us to bring!

XENA: Now there's the idealistic, optimistic Bard that I love!

Xena gives her well-meaning purposive Bard a peck on the cheek as gABby skips off to find the wash bucket.


THEODORUS (to Callisto): Mmm Kuween, wunt sommm hooch?

CALLI: Theo-dorkus, you buffoon, you know I only drink strawberry margaritas once a month at the Cat Box with Xena, gABrielle, Ephiny, Alecto, Tisiphone, Megaera and Discord on girls night out after our monthly bowl-a-thon and vegetarian pizza party.


CALLI: Theo-do-do fall in love with me, chump, and youíll end up like Percolator. I donít want none o' my gals, and least of all myself, scaintchin' off with any o' you swords and messin' up girls night out. It's the only thing I have to look forward to in this life, besides flirting with Xena and teasing gABrielle to tears.

THEODORUS: Whut mm Kuween?

CALLI: For the love of Isis, Theo-droolus, get that banana split out of your throat. I can barely understand you. And when youíre done with that, spruce up around my throney-thingy. You know mama doesn't like disarray. Now move it, you filthy, pathetic piece of banana split throat.

THEODORUS: Yyss mm Kuween.

CALLI: Oh and Theo-doughball?

THEORDORUS (cheering at the prospect of more attention from his Queen): Yyss mm Kuween?!

CALLI: When you're through with that be a useful pig bag and bring me a tall, cool glass of kaltaka. All this horse riding and gABrielle terrorizing has me parched.

THEODORUS: Yyss mm Kuween.


gABrielle stands with her eyes closed facing the morning sun in silent contemplation. The happy possum, who earlier snapped a twig under the pretty window, rumbles back and forth near her looking for food.

XENA: Whaddya doin' pumpkin?

gABrielle: A little fully clothed upright tanning before we start our day. I'm as white as a skull. Plus my hair is looking as drab as the shirred cloth arrangement on my BGSB. After all the stress of chasing down the wedding cord I thought a glint of sunlight here and there would shine up my hair a bit, and add some much needed natural highlight to it.

XENA (shyly digging her toe in the dirt as she looks down at her well worn black leather boot): I think your hair is real purty honey.

gABrielle: Gawds! You butches are so inept at the subtleties when it comes to hair care.

Xena looks chapfallen, which is not lost on the sensitive Bard.

gABrielle: Errrrrrrrr, but thanks for the compliment. Actually when you walked up sweetie I was rearranging the living room furniture in my mind.

XENA (cheering): Yea?

gABrielle: Yea. Now that we have the wedding cord back, I can move the digital TV and computer equipment to the west wall, while plugging them in on the east wall outlet. I'll run the cord along the north wall, hiding it behind the couch. I'm sure the cord is long enough. Lilla is so practical in her gift giving.

XENA: And since I don't need to be plugged in we can kiss anywhere we want in the house, and on this green Earth, at any time we want.

gABrielle: Right. But don't expect too much of that unplugged kissin' to get on the boob tube.

XENA: Oh who needs the tube. All our girl fans got brains enough to know the score.

gABrielle: True, but it is kind of nice once in a while to see the real deal on the tube-ola.

XENA: gABS ya gotta give credit where credit is due. We really pushed the envelope on this one. I mean we did actually kiss after all.

gABrielle (coquettishly): Yea but not the way I'm gonna kiss you right now.

XENA: Yea? Really?

gABrielle: Get over here, you big bombshell butch babe bag of beautiful black leather.

Xena lays down her sword and makes her way over to the sunning Bard. The happy lesbians embrace.

XENA (looking down on gAB'S scalp): Geeze, now that you mention it your hair does look a little flat, drab and over-worked.

gABrielle tosses Xena a sideways snake-eyed Cheezer-like glance.

XENA: Damn! I just can't seem to say the right thing no matter how hard I try.

gABrielle sighs and wraps her arms around Xena and leans her head on the big gal's sturdy shoulder.

gABrielle: You say lotsa right things sweetie.

XENA: Ummmmm...gABrielle?

gABrielle: Hmmmm?

XENA: Will you marry me?

gABrielle: I thought you'd never ask...

The joyful possum sniffs out a root vegetable by a small rock pile near them. The warrior women kiss as the possum nourishes herself on a sweet wild thing.

c. 1998 Pursh
more by Pursh