BONKERS! 1999: The Final Season SEVEN DAYS IN THE VALLEY "DAY 6: RENT-A-COP LAND" Characters (C) WALT DISNEY STUDIOS (save of course Captain Eric Skewer, and those that belong to others like WB et al.) Original Story by SUSHIL RUDRANATH FOR PRIVATE USE ONLY, NOT ENDORSED BY DISNEY, DON'T SUE ME, I'M A NICE GUY. (And I stay true to the characters!) DISTRIBUTE FREELY SO LONG AS NO CHANGES ARE MADE AND THIS NOTICE REMAINS INTACT NOTE: This story is set in the sixth(?) season of Bonkers! It and the one that follows are closely linked, and mark the arc that will end, at least for me, Bonkers!. It marks the last furtive Zeno-like advance towards the series finale... TEASER FADE IN OVERLAY TITLE: December 30, 1999, 7:05 AM DURATION: 3 SECONDS WIDE ANGLE SHOT - EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS / CITY HALL (The tall building from Lucky's day) MAYOR KANIFKY is standing on stage, behind a podium, next to CHIEF SKEWER. COPS from all over L.A. are sitting in chairs in front of the stage. KANIFKY Well, as most of you already know, thanks to the elimination of most of the toon criminals over the last 48 hours, I've been able to transfer more money back from building safer prisons into funds for your police departments-- The COPS CHEER. --and since the public has been crying out (and really, really loudly, I can tell you) for some kind of reward to be given to those fine men and women who defended the city during those dark hours of December 28th, when most of LA was on fire, I am pleased to announce that all the promotions we've put on hold because of budget restrictions have been approved! The COPS give a THUNDEROUS round of applause! My good friend, Eric Sewer-- CAPTAIN SKEWER smoothly interjects, "Skewer, sir." Uhm, erm, yes, Fenric Skewer, will present the promotions for the department that was at the front lines in this crisis, the uhm, erm, 34th Precinct! GRATING, MIRANDA, BONKERS, DENNIS, STARK and other COPS get up on stage. SKEWER takes the podium. The COPS walk up to meet him as he speaks. SKEWER Lieutenant Frank Grating, for service way above the call of duty, and / or sanity in the last few days, not to mention years, you are awarded a promotion to Captain-- a job I seem to recall you wanting at some time or another... SKEWER shakes GRATING's hand, and gives him CAPTAIN's BARS. SKEWER Officers Miranda C. Wright and Bonkers D. Bobcat, for much the same reasons, the two of you are awarded long-overdue promotions to Sergeant... SKEWER shakes MIRANDA's hand and gives her her stripes. BONKERS walks up, saluting stiffly. Toon drums are playing a martial beat in the background. BONKERS Sir! Ready and Willing to join the CHAIN OF COMMAND, SIR! SKEWER leans over to BONKERS, and whispers SKEWER Bonkers, don't make me *feed* the stripes to you! BONKERS calms down. SKEWER shakes his hand and gives him his stripes. CUT TO the same stage, only with no cops present, save SKEWER, BONKERS, GRATING and MIRANDA. OVERLAY TITLE: An hour later... DURATION: 3 seconds SKEWER Everyone, we have a problem. MIRANDA What is it, sir? SKEWER We did the budgetary math again, and it looks like we don't have the cash to support so many new high-ranking officers at the 34th. It looks like we'll have to fire some people. FADE OUT on the shocked faces of MIRANDA, BONKERS and GRATING! RUN CREDITS FADE IN ACT I FADE IN on the shocked faces of MIRANDA, BONKERS and GRATING. CUT TO SKEWER SKEWER ...or, give some officers-- heck, a lot of officers-- one month's leave until we can weasel some more money from the state coffers. Mayor Kanifky has offered to put everyone up free of charge at his new beachside resort in Miami, Florida. GRATING How many officers? SKEWER Everybody. Starting now. You'd all be back to work by February 1st, 2000. Everyone's been under a lot of stress lately, so I'm making it an official order. Heck, If I knew where to find him, I'd make Darkwing Duck go with you. As a deputized officer of the law, he'd have to comply. Right, young meateater? SKEWER is staring at GRATING as he says this. GRATING I know he'd agree with you, sir. SKEWER nods. Who's gonna watch the city while we're soaking up sun down south? SKEWER Trust me... you don't want to know. Now report to LAX... your bags are packed and the plane's waiting. CUT TO INT. 34th PRECINCT- READY ROOM. SKEWER is behind the podium. SKEWER Well, it's just you and me, Sergeant. We've got the city all to ourselves. BONKERS, who was intently reading a comic book, slams it shut. BONKERS (whining) But I wanna go on vacation, too! SKEWER Trust me... you'll do more good here than you will there. CUT TO EXT. NEW TOONTOWN CONSTRUCTION site -- basically the blasted remains of TOONTOWN with McDuck construction crews all over it. A SEA of HUMANS holding up END of the world signs is chanting, and blocking view of the site. SCROOGE McDUCK's LIMO drives up in front of the crowd. DUCKWORTH gets out of the drivers' side, and opens up the passenger door. SCROOGE gets out. They have to yell to hear themselves over the crowd. SCROOGE Och! These blasted demonstrators are louder'n a basketful o' banshees! DUCKWORTH Yes, sir! They seem to be rather upset about the impending turn of the millennium, sir! SCROOGE Stuff and nonsense! It's just another year! A FADED, almost TWO-TONE RABBIT in scuzzy clothing passes by, wearing a sign on his back and front that says "DOOMSDAY NOW". He stops and speaks to SCROOGE. RABBIT Oh, no it isn't, Mr. McDuck. It's almost here now... almost the end... the finale is almost upon us... soon, now... SCROOGE That's a bunch of new-age mumbo jumbo, and ye know it! SCROOGE looks at the rabbit more closely. Here! Don't I know you from somewhere? Back in the 30's... aye, you were-- A HUGE, SILENT WHITE ANIME EXPLOSION RISES UP from the CENTER of TOONTOWN! IT RUSHES UP, THROWING DEBRIS everywhere! SCROOGE and DUCKWORTH crouch down, covering their eyes as a HAIL of shredded particles heads their way! When the hail stops, the demonstrators are still chanting, but looking in towards something. The CROWD parts as SCROOGE and DUCKWORTH go through them. Martial, ominous music. SCROOGE and DUCKWORTH have horrified looks on their faces. SCROOGE What on Earth? PULL BACK to an AERIAL shot. DRAMATIC STING as we see a HUGE, SMOKING CRATER where all of TOONTOWN used to be! Carved into the bottom are, in huge letters, the words "MEGADUCK LIVES". PULL back to see this reflected in SKEWER's mirrored shades for an instant. PULL BACK AGAIN to SKEWER standing behind his podium in the 34th. SKEWER (sotto) And now, we enter... end game. Behind SKEWER, we see BONKERS chasing down a paper plane. CUT TO a WIDE ANGLE SHOT of a DARK, grimy alley next to the side of a building. A door in the side of the building opens, spilling light into the alleyway. FAWN DEER slowly steps out, a small figure in relation to the alley. It is dark and damp, and puddles of water are everywhere on the ground. She steps through a few of them as she timidly makes her way forward, and the splahes echo. PUSH in on her feet as they splash through puddle after puddle. CUT TO A PAIR of DARK, SINISTER feet standing at the other end of the alley. PAN UP to reveal a DUCK obscured in darkness! DUCK Hello, my pretty... TERRIFYING MUSIC! FAWN looks up, frozen with fear! The DUCK holds up something in a piece of cloth. DUCK I've got a present for you... The DUCK begins to pull away the cloth, revealing a GUN! FAWN leaps forward, and delivers a MASSIVE KARATE KICK! The DUCK FLIES BACK and SMASHES into a wall, slumping onto the ground! FAWN bows to him, them turns and faces the camera, bowing! FAWN DEER Thank you, Master Willari! Your Advanced Deer Kun Doe lessons are the best! LIGHTS spring on, ILLUMINATING the alley! PULL BACK to reveal a HUGE SET! WACKY WEASEL walks over to FAWN. WACKY WEASEL Great work, kiddo... as always. But, umm... we won't be needin' ya for anymore commercials-- ever. FAWN DEER What? You mean I'm-- WACKY WEASEL --That's RIGHT! You've just been signed by the CARTOON NETWORK to be their latest STAR! Congratulations! All the toons in the studio cheer FAWN! FAWN But what about the studio? WACKY WEASEL We'll live, kid. Just go out there and be a star! CUT TO INT. TAXI CAB. FAWN DEER is in the back seat, talking a mile a minute, boring the cab driver to tears. FAWN ...so I don't wanna lose my family, but I've got a chance to become a big star again, like when I was on Bonkers' old show... CUT TO the REAR VIEW MIRROR. We see the face of a SPIKE, the bulldog from Tom and Jerry. He's grizzled and filled with stubble, and he's smoking a cigar. He looks into the mirror, and his mouth hangs open, the CIGAR almost falling out. SPIKE Oh my gawsh... CUT TO THE BACKSEAT. FAWN is still talking. Behind her, through the glass, we see a SILENT, WHITE ANIME EXPLOSION shredding WACKYTOONS, TOONS, CARS and BUILDINGS! FAWN ...I think what I need is a sign, y'know? FAWN is PRESSED BACK into her seat as the TAXI acclerates! FAWN Hey! What gives!? She looks back and sees the EXPLOSION gaining on the cab! FAWN GO FASTER! FASTER! EXT. SIDE VIEW of the TAXI barely outrunning the BLAST! A RAPIDLY SPINNING NEWSPAPER fills the screen! Headline: "MEGADUCK VAPORIZES WACKYTOONS! POLICE INVESTIGATING (the ones who aren't on vacation, that is)" CUT TO A HUGE CRATER, just like the one at toontown. SKEWER and BONKERS are in the center of it. BONKERS is passing a GIANT TOON COMB over the crater. SKEWER Even with my Zen-like powers of concentration, contemplating the level of power needed to do this gives me the screaming willies. Bonkers, have you finished combing the crater? BONKERS holds up the comb. BONKERS Nothing, Chiefy. But the crater is smaller than last time. SKEWER Sergeant... I tell you to comb the crater and this pathetic toon gimmick is all you can come up with? BONKERS' face falls. SKEWER You're a SERGEANT now, mister... I expect you to use your intelligence now. This kindergarden stuff is passe... BONKERS sits down, depressed. SKEWER ...we all know you have to use a *fine-toothed* comb! SKEWER whips out a HUGE fine-toothed TOON COMB and hands it to BONKERS. BONKERS Wow... you're the only human I know who can do that, Chief. How do you-- SKEWER --well, I am at one with all things, but I think it's because I've been hanging around *you* too long. Find anything? BONKERS holds up the comb. Something's snagged in it. SKEWER grabs it. SKEWER This is *not* good. PUSH IN on a DOLL of MAYOR KANIFKY with a BLACK LILAC shoved through it! OMINOUS MUSIC. FADE OUT. END OF ACT I ACT II FADE IN BONKERS and SKEWER leap into SKEWER's BLACK PATROL CAR. BONKERS is in the drivers' seat. The DASH of the car looks like KITT's from KNIGHT RIDER. BONKERS puts in the key, and twists it. The controls light up. SKEWER To City Hall! Exciting, Superhero music from the 60's! BONKERS Atomic batteries to power... (beat) Turbines to speed... CUT to the rear of the car. FLAMES BLAST OUT from the exhaust pipe! The ENGINE ROARS! CUT TO INT. PATROL CAR. BONKERS is staring ahead, looking forward intently, gripping the wheel tightly. His every sense is awake, alive. The ROAR of the engine is loud. PULL BACK to show the car standing still. We hear SKEWER PUT IT IN GEAR!!! BONKERS Oh *yeah*... The car ROCKETS FORWARD and out of shot with a SONIC BOOM! CUT TO EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS / CITY HALL. Nothing is there but a small crater. The PATROL CAR SCREECHES TO A HALT, SKIDDING and making a U-TURN. When it stops, SKEWER and BONKERS leap out and run to the crater. BONKERS Holy Vaporization, Skewer-man! SKEWER Look there... SKEWER points to a child like picture of a flower, some trees and the sun painted on the sidewalk. BONKERS winces and tries to cover SKEWER's eyes! BONKERS Don't look! You don't wanna know-- SKEWER waves him off. SKEWER Yes, Bonkers, I know what it says. Toon graffiti... is nothing beyond the sick mind of this diseased malefactor? SKEWER notices some kids walking towards the rubble. SKEWER Children! Avert your eyes from this sick display of criminal malfeasance! CHILDREN Yes, Mr. Police man. SKEWER Now run along home... and don't jaywalk! Remember! Cross on the green, not in between, tread on the red, and you're dead! BONKERS Chiefy... isn't that, umm... a bit morbid? SKEWER No, *this* is morbid. A FADED, almost TWO-TONE RABBIT in scuzzy clothing passes by, wearing a sign on his back and front that says "DOOMSDAY NOW". He stops and stares at SKEWER. RABBIT Your time is almost over, Chief... He's taken Kanifky... it has begun! BONKERS It's that guy again! Where've I seen 'im before? The RABBIT runs off! BONKERS starts to go after him, but SKEWER holds him back. SKEWER Your paths will cross again, young Bobcat. For now, we've got to focus on getting the Mayor back. Remember when I said on the news that the bombing of the 34th was a turning point--a nexus in the affairs of toons and man? BONKERS nods. SKEWER It opened up the door for the deputization of any toons willing to stand up against the wrath of Negaduck, or as he calls himself now, Megaduck. Since we have no police force, your job is to go through that door-- get as many toons together as you can, and get ready to take out Megaduck when I call. SKEWER pulls his gun, a .50 caliber Desert Eagle with lasersight, and arms it. I've got to go see a jail about a foghorn. The city's in your hands, Bonkers. This is the moment you've been working towards for six years. I know you can handle it. SKEWER hands BONKERS a CRYSTALLINE BADGE. I got this for being on the force 20 years. Now, it's yours. A keepsake, if you will. SKEWER takes off his SUNGLASSES and puts them in BONKERS' shirt pocket. Hang on to these too... you'll never know *when* you'll end up needing them. Before BONKERS can react, SKEWER hops in his PATROL CAR and DRIVES OFF. BONKERS (sotto) Thanks, Chief... but where am I gonna find toons ta deputize? A MASSIVE EXPLOSION ROCKS the street! BONKERS turns to see LUDWIG VON DRAKE's apartment building collapse in on itself! BONKERS runs to the scene, where PROFESSOR VON DRAKE is standing in the middle of the rubble, charred. In the background, the FADED, almost TWO-TONE RABBIT in scuzzy clothing stops and takes a REMOTE CONTROL-LIKE device from the rubble, walking off with it. BONKERS Professor Von Drake! What happened here? VON DRAKE Vell, I vas vorkin' on makin' da perfect slicea toast, don'tchya know, ven alluvasudden vat looks like Negaduck on too many vitamins pops up outsidea my vindow and starts makin' ready ta hit me vit somesorta Anime explosion thingy! BONKERS How'd you survive it? VON DRAKE I dunno! He sends out dis pointa light, and just den my toaster thingy alarm bell goes off, and everythin' explodes! Vhatta mess! BONKERS Yeah, but everywhere else got vaporized! BONKERS slaps a POLICEMAN's OUTFIT on VON DRAKE! BONKERS Collect yer stuff an' report to tha 34th Precinct! I'm hereby deputizin' you into an official-type deputy! VON DRAKE How are you gonna pay me? I heard da police all left town cuz dere was no money! BONKERS I'm rentin' you as a service ta the public! So any money I owe ya's due the firsta next month! VON DRAKE But that's in a whole 'nother millennium! Vell, technically not, since in reality, da millennium doesn't schtart till 2001, but-- BONKERS drags VON DRAKE by the arm. CUT TO INT. 34th PRECINCT - READY ROOM. BONKERS enters, followed by VON DRAKE, GRUMBLES and JITTERS, all in police uniform. FAWN is sitting in one of the seats in front of the podium. BONKERS Fawn, what're you doin' here? FAWN Megaduck destroyed Wackytoons and I wanna get even! BONKERS Fawn, you should let us handle this! It's dangerous out there, and We're trained professionals! PAN ACROSS the group. VON DRAKE makes a small explosion with some test tubes, scorching his face; GRUMBLES is barely fitting into his uniform, and JITTERS is twitching uncontrollably, muttering "IhatemylifeIhatemylifeIhatemylife"; BONKERS is beaming at them with pride. FAWN shakes her head and MAULS the group with DEER KUN DOE moves! They're liying in a PILE on the ground. FAWN I think *that* qualifies me. BONKERS sticks out a misshapen arm from the pile. BONKERS (weakly) Maul blows thin flavor fluff baking Pawn a louise stopper, maze sure lands... Three ARMS stick out from the group, accompanied by a lot of groaning. BONKERS Sew vee eet. The GROUP collapses. CUT TO AN UNKNOWN, DARK, SPOOKY LOCATION. CHIEF SKEWER is in a room with boxes of food everywhere. There are windows overlooking a large body of water, as well several LEVERS and buttons mounted in a control panel. SKEWER This is the place, all right. SKEWER pulls out a cellular phone and dials. CUT TO the 34th Precinct. BONKERS picks up a phone located in the corner of the room. BONKERS Lemme put you on speaker. BONKERS fiddles with some buttons. We hear SKEWER speaking. SKEWER --no time! Alcatraz Island! You got that? Alcatraz-- We hear GUNSHOTS, a muffled "arrgh", a thump, diabolical laughter, and the line goes DEAD! BONKERS Chief Skewer? (beat) Chief? (beat) CHIEF?! The phone crackles. BONKERS looks at it hopefully. The voice he hears, however, is MEGADUCK Eww, that was messier than I thought it would be! Yuck! Oh well, onto the Mayor... MEGADUCK whistles. BONKERS looks across the room at the other toons, who are shaking their heads. Ominous music. PUSH IN ON BONKERS' face as he yells BONKERS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FADE OUT END OF ACT II ACT III FADE IN MARTIAL MUSIC. PUSH IN on BONKERS' ARM as he straps a BLACK ARMBAND on it. He walks past JITTERS, GRUMBLES, FAWN and VON DRAKE, each standing at attention. BONKERS We're goin' ta Alcatraz Island, and we're goin' ta get da Mayor back alive! Any questions! JITTERS raises a trembling hand. JITTERS Can I stay here? BONKERS Nope! Let's go! CUT TO EXT. 34th PRECINCT. A beat-up old SWAT VAN is being pushed into view by GRUMBLES. VON DRAKE is looking under the hood. VON DRAKE Dis ain't good, lemmetellya... da engine is schtuck im reverse. BONKERS That's okay! Reverse is all we need! FAWN Yeah, considering the way you drive! BONKERS Who's talkin' about driving? PAN to the end of the street, where GRUMBLES has RAMMED two huge POLES into the asphalt. VON DRAKE strings a huge RUBBER BAND across them. PAN to the OTHER end of the street, where a HUGE RAMP has been set up! CUT TO INT. VAN. BONKERS Everybody in! JITTERS Does this thing have airbags? BONKERS Nopers. JITTERS They never do. Everyone gets in, CROWDING into the front of the VAN. BONKERS grabs the gearstick and puts it in reverse. SIDE VIEW of the VAN RACING BACKWARDS, RAMMING the RUBBER BAND and PULLING it TAUT! BONKERS Everybody, hang on! I'm puttin' it in neutral! The VAN LAUNCHES FORWARD, going up the RAMP and FLYING into the AIR! JITTERS I can't understand why we just didn't take a plane! BONKERS Who says we aren't? A HUGE 747 comes out of NOWHERE, SLAMMING the TRUCK and carrying it off! CUT TO AERIAL SHOT of ALCATRAZ ISLAND. The VAN falls from the sky, CRASHING into the middle of the prison! CUT TO INT. ALCATRAZ. It's very dark. We only see the outlines of our heroes against the backdrop of long-abandoned cells. JITTERS It sure is d-d-dark in here, Bonkers! We hear the screams of a tortured MAYOR KANIFKY. GRUMBLES That sounds h-h-horrible! VON DRAKE I vish ve'd packed sum flashlites! A toon light bulb pops up over BONKERS' head! BONKERS I've got an idea-- well, several! BONKERS takes the bulb away from over his head. Four more lightbulbs appear, and he hands one to each of the others. They use them like torches, looking around the cellblock. FAWN shines hers forward, and we see the silhouette of SOMEONE sitting at a desk. FAWN Look! PAN over to the desk, where we see two tiger-clawed HANDS, claws extended, pulling backwards, slowly scratching into the desk, moving forwards and repeating the process. BONKERS Those claws can only belong to one toon- Shere-- BONKERS aims his light up, illuminating the face of MEGADUCK! --Megaduck?! MEGADUCK holds up two tiger arms and tosses them aside casually. BONKERS Those are Shere Khan's arms! MEGADUCK (grins) Well, they *were*... and so was this! MEGADUCK holds up a diskette! BONKERS Hey! That's the disk with the formula fer-- MEGADUCK Liquid Eraser-- yes, I know, yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah yakety schmackety. MEGADUCK throws a SWITCH, and the whole CELL BLOCK lights up! Our heroes casually toss aside their toon lightbulbs. We see MEGADUCK sitting at a desk, behind which is MAYOR KANIFKY handing upside down, suspended over a large VAT! PUSH IN as we a see a HUGE, ELABORATE CLAW reach towards KANIFKY, moving over to his EYEBROWS, where a smaller, SUB-CLAW extends, slowly GRASPING one of his EYEBROW HAIRS, roughly YANKING IT OUT! KANIFKY SCREAMS again! BONKERS You fiend! MEGADUCK Oh, that's nothing, my furry feline friend... soon I start on the *nostril* hairs! MAYOR KANIFKY is blubbering. MEGADUCK looks at BONKERS' friends. MEGADUCK What's with the pathetic pool of poor police protection, Bobcat? Where'd you find these jokers, Rent-a-Cop Land? GRUMBLES growls. GRUMBLES What do you want from us? VON DRAKE And Vat's in de vat, if ye don't mind my askin'? MEGADUCK Very simple. I want you all to die-- and what's in the vat'll help that happen-- FAWN Lemme guess... Liquid Eraser? MEGADUCK Nothing so mundane, my pretty... that was just too unstable for my tastes-- so I modified the formula a bit... and behold, for the first time in sixty years, anywhere... genuine, authentic DIP! BONKERS and the others look at each other, HORRIFIED! Oh yeah, Von Drake and the other toons from the 30's did a good PR job of calling this stuff a fake, and a myth... but a little *conversation* with Roger Rabbit fixed that mythconception riiight up. They didn't want anybody tryin' ta recreate the formula, but... it's TOO LATE! JITTERS I hate my life. I *HATE* my LIFE! MEGADUCK That's all you ever say, isn't it? Well, if it makes you feel any better, I don't think I *will* be dissolving you all in my deadly dip-- JITTERS R-r-really? MEGADUCK I think I'll just vaporize you, instead-- behold, the mighty power of the AKIRA WAVE, which I gave to myself as a present last time we met, courtesy of the Pen-- MEGADUCK begins to concentrate. A white point of light appears between his eyes. BONKERS yells out "Hey!" and the point vanishes! MEGADUCK Wha? What is it?! I'm *trying* to concentrate on your ultimate annihilation, here! BONKERS I don't think you can vaporize us! MEGADUCK casually leans against a wall. MEGADUCK Oh, really? BONKERS Nopers! Your first blast was pretty big-- it took out all'a what wuz left'a Toontown. Yer second one was half the size'a that-- enough to vaporize Wackytoons. Yer third one was just enough to leave a small hole where Police HQ was, and yer last one was too weak ta completely vaporize Von Drake's apartment building! MEGADUCK ponders this, putting a finger to his forehead. He then points at BONKERS, beginning rather pedantically MEGADUCK So, what you're saying is, is that after all that, if my powers have been getting weaker every time, I shouldn't have enough power left to at least hideously *disfigure* five toons standing what, not twenty feet away from me? BONKERS gulps. I'm betting that I do! Prepare to get WASTED! MEGADUCK cackles hysterically. BONKERS and the others look at each other with a cold sense of dread. MEGADUCK begins building up the point of light again! FADE OUT END OF ACT III ACT IV FADE IN GRUMBLES YANKS a TABLE out of the ground and puts it down on its side, as some kind of BARRIER. Our heroes duck behind it. FAWN I don't think this table'll protect us. BONKERS Professor! You survived onea his attacks-- do you know how you did it? VON DRAKE Vell, I tink it had sumthin' ta do with my alarm clockie-- I tink da noise, it musta broken his concentration! BONKERS peeks out over the side of the TABLE. A mini-storm is beginning to brew around MEGADUCK, and the point of light is getting bigger. BONKERS Everybody, make as much noise as you can! BONKERS, GRUMBLES, JITTERS, FAWN and VON DRAKE leap out from behind the table, yelling, beating TOON drums, setting off FIREWORKS and playing HEAVY METAL music. MEGADUCK is unaffected. The point of light GROWS! VON DRAKE So much fer dat theory! GRUMBLES points at MEGADUCK's head. GRUMBLES No, look! He's wearin' earmuffs! Everybody sinks behind the table. FAWN There's no way we can distract him now. JITTERS That's it. We're dead. BONKERS Maybe if I tackle him... or-- BONKERS leaps up and hurls a PIE at NEGADUCK! It incinerates when it gets near the BALL of LIGHT! VON DRAKE Dere's no vay ta get close to him! Our heroes look on helplessly as the BALL of LIGHT begins to SHRED and VAPORIZE everything around it. CUT TO INT. DARK, SPOOKY ROOM TIGHT SHOT of an arm clothed in a BLUE sleeve, dripping with a RED substance slowly, fitfully raising itself to a button marked "foghorn". The Red-covered HAND at the end of the arm, twitching and trembling, barely manages to SLAP the button before going completely limp and falling out of shot. CUT BACK to our heroes behind the table. The ANIME EXPLOSION is almost upon them! BONKERS Well, it's been funny! SFX: A LOUD, LOUD, LOUD! FOGHORN! The ROOM shakes, and the EXPLOSION turns into a huge BOOM, taking out everything in front of the table, leaving our heroes intact! MEGADUCK What?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The CEILING COLLAPSES on MEGADUCK! FAWN and BONKERS grab MAYOR KANIFKY and get him to safety. MEGADUCK BLASTS out of the RUBBLE using his pumped-up toon MUSCLES! He GLARES at BONKERS! MEGADUCK I've HAD IT with you, BOBCAT! It ENDS here! FAWN, GRUMBLES, and VON DRAKE get behind BONKERS! JITTERS stays with the MAYOR. BONKERS Face it, Megs! Fer once yer totally outnumbered! FAWN Yeah! You don't have any henchmen to hide behind now... you ruined them all! MEGADUCK Ruined? RUINED? I *IMPROVED* them all! BONKERS You couldn't leave well enough alone, could ya? Ya had to redraw them, tamper with stuff-- you couldn't leave the good stuff that was originally there alone-- you had to change it ta fit what you wanted, no matter how badly it damaged things people took years ta make! VON DRAKE Ya! Und look at da result! No more Toontown, No more Wackytoons, half da toons in Hollywood are kaput, and you've got no henchmen! *You're* not even da same! MEGADUCK Yeah? Well, nobody *else* was doin' anythin' with 'em, so *I* took charge! Nature abhors a vaccuum, after all-- and I've got two tricks left up my sinister sleeve-- MEGADUCK I am the Alpha, and the Omega... BONKERS Really? I didn't know you were Greek! MEGADUCK No, you idiot! I am the BEGINNING of your END! MEGADUCK laughs, and the laughter ECHOES! Suddenly, he splits into 4 ducks! One is a large, red, muscled Negaduck. The other is a black, thin, wispy Negaduck. The third is a cool blue, otherwise normal looking Negaduck, and the fourth is a yellow Negaduck-drawn-by-Picasso (i.e. distorted, all perspectives) 4 DUCKS (chorus) We're the Apocalypse Boys! Anger, Cruelty, Intellect and... Chuckles! VON DRAKE Oy! Megaduck's gone and split himself into his component emotions! ANGER Us bam bam you! INTELLECT What my overly muscled friend here means to say is that we will proceed to systematically torture you in various methods scientifically designed to-- CRUELTY --We will teach you to experience a thousand subtle shades of pain. First, we start by plucking your nasal hairs-- CHUCKLES HeeHeeHahaha! ANGER RIPS an IRON BAR out of one of the JAIL CELL DOORS! He shapes it into a PUPPY and then MANGLES it! GRUMBLES TACKLES him! INTELLECT begins teaching a HIDEOUS math lesson! VON DRAKE begins correcting him! CRUELTY begins TICKLING JITTERS! CHUCKLES LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY! BONKERS is with the blithering MAYOR, when out of the corner of his eye, he sees a grotesque sight... a MAN covered in... BONKERS Blood! CHIEF SKEWER walks calmly through the middle of the fights, and meets BONKERS. BONKERS touches some of the BLOOD. He sniffs it, and tastes it. He spits it out. Eww... *catsup*. Stale catsup. SKEWER Yes, it was quite nasty. Your friends seem to be stalemated. BONKERS looks around. INTELLECT and VON DRAKE are staring each other down. GRUBMBLES and ANGER are locked in an ARM WRESTLING match that's going nowhere. CRUELTY seems unable to hurt JITTERS more than he's already been hurt before. A toon LIGHT BULB pops up over BONKERS' head! He pulls out a WHISTLE and blows it! Everyone looks at him. SFX: KUNG-FU hand movement FX BONKERS is acting like a traffic cop. He points at FAWN, and directs her to ANGER. He moves GRUMBLES to INTELLECT, and VON DRAKE to CRUELTY. CHUCKLES is still just standing there. FAWN My, you're CUTE! FAWN KISSES ANGER, who melts into a pile of goo! GRUMBLES I'm gonna SMASH YOU! INTELLECT Why? GRUMBLES Because you're THERE! INTELLECT That makes no sense, logically. GRUMBLES POUNDS INTELLECT, who vanishes in a puff of logic! CRUELTY Listen, old man... I'm going to CRUELTY whispers something EVIL to VON DRAKE, who goes PALE! VON DRAKE But vat if you VON DRAKE whispers something back to CRUELTY. CRUELTY Eeeww... not even *I* coulda thoughta something *that* torturous! CRUELTY looks at VON DRAKE strangely for a moment and DROPS an ANVIL on himself, vanishing. Everybody looks at VON DRAKE. VON DRAKE Vat? I *am* a mad scientist, after all, y'know! CHUCKLES laughs hysterically and GRABS FAWN, dragging her up over the debris, some of which has dissolved in the VAT of DIP! He LEAPS up onto a GANGPLANK suspended high above the VAT! CHUCKLES Hahahahahahaha! I'm a'callin' you OUT, Bobcat-man! SKEWER looks over at GRUMBLES and JITTERS. SKEWER You two-- deputies... there are several boats on the far side of the island. Take Mayor Kanifky and head for San Francisco. Get him to a hair transplant center immediately! GRUMBLES and JITTERS nod to SKEWER, and take KANIFKY away. BONKERS jumps up on the other end of the GANGPLANK! CHUCKLES And now for his last trick... Just before he left for Alcatraz, Megaduck set up a little thermonuclear *present* in the middle of Hollywood just in case he didn't make it back... and now only I know the code to stop the countdown. So, Bonkers, what'll it be? The city, or your girl? HeeHeeHahaha! SKEWER Bonkers! Von Drake and I will find and stop the bomb! You save Fawn! CHUCKLES looks down at SKEWER and hisses. CHUCKLES How *did* you survive, anyway? I shot you *nine* times with your own gun! SKEWER Correction. You shot *at* me nine times. Using my martial arts skills, which are second to none, I plucked three bullets out of the air with my right hand, three with my left hand, and the other three hit boxes containing bottles of catsup, which spilled all over me and fell on my head, knocking me out for a time. Hence this red, blood-like covering. With blinding speed, CHUCKLES whips out SKEWER's Desert Eagle and fires at him, point blank range! PUSH IN on SKEWER's face. SKEWER spits out the bullet unconcernedly. It RICOCHETS and makes a small HOLE in the CEILING. He turns to VON DRAKE. SKEWER Professor, I think we have some work to do. We've got to get to Hollywood, pronto. BONKERS Wait! What about the rabbit who said yer time was up? And the badge-- SKEWER He must've known about *my* promotion. BONKERS Your promotion? SKEWER Yup. Starting Monday, I'm officially Police *Commissioner* Eric Skewer. BONKERS gives SKEWER a THUMBS UP! VON DRAKE Well, *Commish*, if we don't get ta Hollywood, dere von't *be* anyone left ta care! SKEWER and VON DRAKE exit shot. BONKERS is alone with CHUCKLES and FAWN! CHUCKLES HeeHeeHahaha! Now, we fight for the life of the lovely little Miss Fawn... CHUCKLES HURLS FAWN off the GANGPLANK over the VAT of DIP! SKEWER and VON DRAKE run back just in time to see her FALL IN! ...or NOT! HeeHeeHahaha! BONKERS looks down, HORRIFIED! FADE OUT END OF ACT IV ACT V FADE IN TIGHT SHOT of the VAT of DIP. FAWN climbs out, unhurt. FAWN DEER It's just Thembrian Gruel! CHUCKLES Hmph... BONKERS But HEY, it's still dip-- VON DRAKE --For Thembrian Nachos... SKEWER ...a deadly combination, to be sure. Miss Deer, I suggest you remove all that gruel from your person before we get outside. Let's get out of here. SKEWER and VON DRAKE take FAWN with them. SKEWER yells out as he leaves, SKEWER Now, young Bobcat, there are no distractions! CHUCKLES whips out a long toon feather! CHUCKLES It's a two - toon dance, now! HeeHeeHahaha! CHUCKLES rips off the surface of the feather, revealing a STEEL BLADE underneath! BONKERS Hey! That's cheating! CHUCKLES I *am* the villain, here... remember? HeeHeeHahaha! BONKERS hurls a PIE at CHUCKLES! CHUCKLES swallows it whole! CHUCKLES HeeHeeHahaha! Raspberry Pineapple... my favorite! CHUCKLES whips out a TOON PAINTBRUSH and CAN, painting a tunnel on the side of the gangplank! A HUGE TOON TRAIN RUSHES at BONKERS! BONKERS jumps on top of it and runs quickly, maintaining his position on it like on a treadmill. Finally, it passes, and he DROPS to the ground, exhausted. CHUCKLES whips out a TEA SET and a CONTAINER OF SUGAR. CHUCKLES One lump... or TWO THOUSAND?! HeeHeeHahaha! TWO THOUSAND TOON MALLETS attack BONKERS! BONKERS is wobbling around, doing pirouettes. CHUCKLES straps a HUGE toon FIRECRACKER to BONKERS' back, and LAUNCHES him around the JAIL, SMACKING him into walls, lights, everything. BONKERS lands back on the gangplank, bumps sprouting out of him everywhere. CHUCKLES sets up a XYLOPHONE and uses BONKERS as the hammer, playing out a short tune, after which the XYLOPHONE BLOWS UP in BONKERS' face! BONKERS is little more than a charred stick with eyes wobbling in place. CHUCKLES attaches a MEGATON ANVIL to a SLINGSHOT and FIRES it at BONKERS! BONKERS goes SAILING through twenty walls on the front of the anvil! The thin, charred stump of a toon called BONKERS crawls back onto the gangplank. CHUCKLES Tenacious, ain't he? HeeHeeHahaha! CHUCKLES shapes himself into a BABY KANGAROO and PUMMELS BONKERS with his feet, rolling BONKERS into a ball and hurling him into the air! When BONKERS comes down, CHUCKLES catches him a CATCHER's MITT, spitting into the glove and HURLING BONKERS into the mouth of a PIRHANA! The PIRHANA spits him out into a SHOTGLASS, into which CHUCKLES drops a MATCH! CHUCKLES HeeHeeHahaha! Bobcat Flambe'! BONKERS crawls out of the glass, barely a heap of ashes. CHUCKLES descends into the gangplank, walks along the bottom of it and comes up behind BONKERS. He then shapes BONKERS into a CHARCOAL pencil and draws a SKETCH of BONKERS which pops back to normal! CHUCKLES sticks two sticks of dynamite in BONKERS' ears, and gives BONKERS a big KISS, after which the dynamite EXPLODES! CHUCKLES Ain't I a stinker? HeeHeeHahaha! BONKERS shakes his head and mutters, "You're despicable." He steps forward, only to get his leg caught in a BEAR TRAP! BONKERS backs up, SLIPPING on a BANANNA PEEL and FALLING into a pile of MOUSETRAPS, which snap all over him! CHUCKLES walks over to him, leans down and BELCHES for a LONG TIME! CHUCKLES Face it, Bobcat. You're outtooned! Give up now, or face the wrath of-- CHUCKLES holds out a pair of underpants-- briefs. --my patented pant-falling gag! (beat) Oh, lest I forget, HeeHeeHahaha! BONKERS gulps, and holds up his hands. CHUCKLES looks up and laughs! BONKERS scoots by CHUCKLES at BLINDING SPEED, and when CHUCKLES looks down, he's wearing the briefs! CHUCKLES crosses his legs and blushes, moving out of shot for a second. When he steps back in, he sees a pile of Cocoa Puffs cereal on the ground in a bowl. He swallows it, and gets PULLED onto a GIANT MAGNET! BONKERS steps into shot, painting a METAL PELLET to look like a COCOA PUFF. BONKERS pulls a LEVER on the MAGNET, and all the METAL in the JAIL SLAMS onto CHUCKLES! BONKERS My, but you've got a magnetic personality! CHUCKLES pries himself off the magnet, only to see MORGANA MAWCABER walking up to him. He runs to her, hearts popping all around him. MORGANA sloppily moves over to him and gives him a hug... her head falls off, revealing a STICK OF DYNAMITE, which EXPLODES! CHUCKLES falls onto the gangplank, fuming. Dozens of little tiger cubs run up to him, pointing and saying "Mama, Mama!" CHUCKLES shakes his head, and then looks up to where they are really pointing. The MAMA LION is NOT HAPPY! She MAULS CHUCKLES! BONKERS hands her a check and she walks off with her kids. CHUCKLES staggers forwards, pointing at BONKERS. BONKERS points behind CHUCKLES. CHUCKLES looks back, only to get a FALLING TREE right in the FACE! He spins around, only to get CRUSHED by a FALLING BOULDER! He cracks out of the boulder in time for THUNDER to strike him! BONKERS covers him in honey. Bears attack. Then bees attack. Then bears AND bees attacks. Ants carry him off on a spit. CHUCKLES comes back, half-eaten, only to get smacked repeatedly by an irate GRANNY. BONKERS Ooh, that's gotta hurt! An ANVIL drops on CHUCKLES! He staggers forward a step. A CAR falls on him! He staggers again. A BOAT. A TRAIN. AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER. THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING. SATURN. CHUCKLES, flat as a board, pulls himself forward, only to be fed into a LAUNDRY WRINGER and from there into a PRINTING PRESS, where the words "whatta sucker" are printed all over him. BONKERS slaps a DUNCE cap on CHUCKLES' head and sends him to the rear of a CLASSROOM where kids fill him with HELIUM, and when he floats up like a balloon they SHOOT him down with arrows! CHUCKLES bounces all over the jail and comes to a stop in front of BONKERS! CHUCKLES Hee... Hee... Ha.. ha.. owww... I give up... you're the better toon-- BONKERS beams! CHUCKLES --but I'm the guy with the *gun*! HeeHeeHahaha! CHUCKLES whips out SKEWER's GUN and aims it at BONKERS! CHUCKLES I've got *five* bullets left, bobcat. One of 'ems gotta hit the mark. Hands up! HeeHeeHahaha! BONKERS raises his hands. A RAY of sunlight falls on the gangplank through a small HOLE in ceiling, then it vanishes, thanks to a cloud passing over the sun. CHUCKLES I've always wanted to see what would happen if a toon gets shot *fer real*... CHUCKLES fires a SHOT! BONKERS' HAT goes flying off his head! CHUCKLES HeeHeeHahaha! CHUCKLES FIRES ANOTHER SHOT! BONKERS' BELT BUCKLE flies off! His shirt opens up! CHUCKLES HeeHeeHahaha! CHUCKLES fires ANOTHER SHOT! BONKERS' BADGE FLIES OFF, and the CRYSTALLINE one SKEWER gave him clatters out of his inside pocket! CHUCKLES HeeHeeHaha... hmm? What's that all about? CHUCKLES FIRES at the BADGE, SHATTERING IT! BONKERS Hey! That was a PRESENT! CHUCKLES No matter, cat-boy. This last shot's fer *you*. CHUCKLES AIMS at BONKERS! BONKERS is sweating. The RAY of sunlight comes back through the hole in the ceiling, and BOUNCES off the fragments of the CRYSTALLINE BADGE, momentarily BLINDING CHUCKLES! BONKERS RUSHES him and knocks the GUN out of his hands, where it falls into the vat of DIP and dissolves, but not before discharging a SHOT which hits one of the GANGPLANK's SUPPORTS! BONKERS What the--? CHUCKLES Oh yeah... forgot to mention, this stuff is sunlight-activated! Megsy didn't want ta fall in by accident-- CHUCKLES SHOVES BONKERS off the gangplank! --he wanted ta push you! HeeHeeHahaha! BONKERS is hanging onto the edge of the gangplank with his fingers. He tries to extend toon claws, but they're just stubs. CHUCKLES Not as sharp as you used ta be, huh? HeeHeeHahaha! CHUCKLES STAMPS on one of BONKERS' HANDS! The WHOLE GANGPLANK rocks! QUICK PAN to a FRAYED support CABLE slowly UNWINDING. BONKERS Stop! We'll *both* fall in! CHUCKLES starts JUMPING UP and DOWN, rocking the GANGPLANK more and more! The SUPPORT CABLE SNAPS! The GANGPLANK swings DOWNWARDS at an ANGLE! The other SUPPORT CABLE is strained! CHUCKLES slides down the GANGPLANK halfway! He reaches out a hand towards BONKERS, who is hanging from the safety rail by his TAIL. BONKERS reaches out a HAND. CHUCKLES GRABS it, and PULLS BONKERS DOWN! Now BONKERS is hanging onto CHUCKLES right over the vat! DRAMATIC MUSIC increasing in tempo. CHUCKLES Bye, Bye, Bobcaaat... CHUCKLES lets go! BONKERS falls towards the DIP! CHUCKLES HeeHeeHahaha! HeeHeeHahaha! HEEHEEHAHAHooo-- OH, NO! CHUCKLES slips and falls! He falls past BONKERS, who is using his open shirt like a parasail. BONKERS lands next to the vat of DIP. CHUCKLES is sinking into it, slowly. CHUCKLES Get me outta here, Bobcat! BONKERS It's too late! CHUCKLES So true... BONKERS Whaddya you mean? CHUCKLES Tick, tock... only I've got the codes ta stop the atomic clock... HeeHeeHahablurbblurbblurb CHUCKLES disappears under the surface of the DIP. BONKERS Negaduck's finally gone fer good. It's finally over. BONKERS looks at the DIP. BONKERS I can't let this fall inta the wrong hands. BONKERS lights a match and throws it into the DIP. He runs off, and it EXPLODES! BONKERS barely outruns the massive fireballs of the explosion! He gets out of Alcatraz just as it goes up in a small mushroom cloud. BONKERS looks out over the San Francisco bay as the sun begins to set. BONKERS I wonder how Chief Skewer's doin. CUT TO INT. MAYOR KANIFKY's house. VON DRAKE and CHIEF SKEWER run in, breathless and exhausted. The ATOMIC BOMB sits on a table in the center of the room. VON DRAKE whips out his tools. VON DRAKE Qvick! How much toime does it say we've got on da timer thingy? How many minutes left? I'll need at least five... so, vhat's da number on da timer!? SKEWER runs over to the bomb and looks at it. SKEWER Zero. CUT BACK TO BONKERS looking at the SAN FRANCISCO SKYLINE. A BOOM! ROCKS the scene, and a HUGE MUSHROOM CLOUD SWELLS UP in the direction of LOS ANGELES. Glass BREAKS on all the windows of the skyscrapers in the distance, all the lights go out and a WAVE forms in the bay as the shockwave passes through the water. BONKERS sways a little as a stiff breeze hits him. BONKERS It can't be... It can't be! This can't be happening... This *can't* be happening! FADE OUT on OMINOUS, DRAMATIC MUSIC THE END... OF PART 6 TO BE CONCLUDED IN "IT'S A WONDERFUL TOON"