BONKERS! 1999: The Final Season
SEVEN DAYS IN THE VALLEY
"DAY 5: SETS, LIES AND CRIME SCENE TAPE"
Characters (C) WALT DISNEY STUDIOS
(save of course Captain Eric Skewer,
and those that belong to others like WB et al.)
Original Story by SUSHIL RUDRANATH
FOR PRIVATE USE ONLY, NOT ENDORSED BY DISNEY,
DON'T SUE ME, I'M A NICE GUY.
(And I stay true to the characters!)
DISTRIBUTE FREELY SO LONG AS NO CHANGES ARE MADE AND THIS
NOTICE REMAINS INTACT
NOTE: This story is set in the sixth(?) season of Bonkers! It, and the two
that follow, are closely linked, and mark the arc that will end, at least
for me, Bonkers!.
It marks the newest gorilla press slam in an operatic continuity similar to
that of Doctor Who: The New Adventures or Babylon 5. And Darkwing Duck
fans... remember, it's not nice to shoot the author. Really.
TEASER
OVERLAY TITLE: December 29, 1999, 7:45 AM
DURATION: 3 SECONDS
FOLLOW LT. FRANK GRATING walking on the sidewalk, towards the 34th Precinct,
which has scaffolding all over the front and CRANES lifting materials up
to the third floor as well as GLASS PANES for the front window. FIRE TRUCKS
are buzzing by on the street every few minutes. The odd SQUAD CAR buzzes by
as well. GRATING is walking up to a newsstand across the street from the
precinct.
GRATING
Gimme the usual, Droopy.
DROOPY the dog hands GRATING a DOUGHNUT, and cup of COFFEE. GRATING picks
up a paper and starts to read.
DROOPY
If you don't mind my asking, sir,
what's with the bandage on your
head?
GRATING feels instinctively for the bandage on his forehead.
GRATING
Oh, that... I got that when the ceiling
collapsed over at the precinct yesterday.
Dennis has a broken arm, and Stark's got
a busted leg.
DROOPY
I heard about that. A shocking business,
if you ask me.
GRATING
No kidding.
GRATING's been flipping through the paper.
Look at that-- "Scrooge McDuck hires
Pinky and the Brain to run Wackytoons
Studio in light of Duck Jones' erasure.
Brain announces decision to hire as many
out of work toons as possible!" That's the
first good news I've heard all week! Half
the crime in this town is caused by
unemployed toons!
GRATING turns to Droopy, who's gone, replaced by a puff of smoke. There's
a NOTE on the plate near GRATING's doughnut which reads:
"It's on the house. I'm getting myself a
*real* job at Wackytoons!"
GRATING grins to himself and walks across the street to the precinct.
CUT TO WACKYTOONS STUDIO - CONTROL ROOM
PINKY and THE BRAIN are looking at various screens, each with different
toons on them.
PINKY
Doesn't it make your heart go all willy-nilly
seein' our fellow toons back at work, Brain?
BRAIN
I must admit it brings me more than a small measure of
joy, Pinky-- but we have a pressing problem on our hands.
PINKY
Wot is it, Brain?
BRAIN
Right now, we're paying these toons to make shows
no one will ever see, because none of the major
networks will air our material. Our ratings are so
low... it's almost as if we were--
He spits.
--writing fan fiction. We *must* find a way
to improve our ratings, or the studio will
crumble, we-- not to mention all these toons--
will lose our jobs, and we'll never be able to
TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
PINKY
Gosh, Brain, what're we gonna do?
BRAIN
Fear not, Pinky. I have a *plan*.
BRAIN pets a huge BOX with a glowing RED BUTTON in it.
FADE OUT
RUN CREDITS
FADE IN
ACT I
INT. 34th PRECINCT READY-ROOM. The COPS are in noticeably better moods,
moving around and chatting with one another. A lot of them have bandages on.
WORKERS are scrambling around everywhere fixing things like cracks in the
walls and such. CHIEF SKEWER moves into the room, not really walking, but
levitating about an inch off the ground. He slides behind the PODIUM as
GRATING walks in, munching on a doughnut. BONKERS and MIRANDA are seated in
the front row.
CHIEF SKEWER
Greetings, my friends. I come to
you with glad tidings. Crime in
the city is at an all-time low,
since last night's wave of violence
ended with the elimination of much
of the criminal element. Thanks to
Pinky and the Brain, out of work toons
are now gainfully employed once more,
and starting tommorow, McDuck Industries
begins reconstruction of Toontown!
The COPS clap.
Also, Mayor Kanifky's declaration of a state
of Emergency last night has opened the
door to much-needed Federal funds, so
we can finally fix things UP around
here!
More clapping. BONKERS raises a hand.
SKEWER
Yes, Bonkers?
BONKERS
Are we talkin' cable TV in the officer's
recreation area, here?
The other officers look at BONKERS with a sort of "don't say that" look.
SKEWER
Already installed!
The cops spontaneously cheer, then catch themselves.
SKEWER
On a more important note--
BONKERS
And the water cooler! Will we have
a water cooler, too?
SKEWER
On its way--
BONKERS
And toothpicks? What about them, huhuhuh?
SKEWER levitates from behind the podium and gets in front of BONKERS.
SFX: A Kung-Fu noise.
SKEWER whips out a toothpick and holds it in front of BONKERS, who
stares at it cross-eyed.
SKEWER
Do not pay attention to the toothpick
pointing the way to the Moon...
SKEWER SMACKS BONKERS on the back of the head!
Or you will miss all the heavenly glory!
SKEWER returns to the podium as the others laugh.
SKEWER
Since the third floor is, well... still
gone at this point, some of you will be
transferred to Police Headquarters, along
with your paperwork, until such time as
we can get space again. The sub-basement's
been turned into a makeshift computer
lab, where we're trying to get Darkwing
Duck's old equipment working again. We're
pretty close, too. Wright, Stark, Grating,
Bonkers, Dennis, O'Malley-- you will all
report to the computer room... now. The
rest of you--
CUT TO INT. SUB-BASEMENT. It's basically all the gear from DARKWING's crime
lab strewn about in a room half the size needed. The lighting is dim, and
water drips from the ceiling in places. BONKERS, MIRANDA and GRATING are
standing in front of the huge MONITOR SCREEN. DENNIS and STARK are working
the controls. STARK is on crutches, and DENNIS still has a cast on his arm.
GRATING
That's a new screen, isn't it?
DENNIS
Yeah, Sarge. How'd you guess?
GRATING
Well, I heard it was taken out
in an explosion back at the
Golden Gate Bridge.
STARK
No kiddin'. That Liquid Eraser
stuff was pretty darn potent.
Luckily, most of the computer
survived, except for the screen.
We thought it had all been totaled.
BONKERS
You mean, we coulda had the
formula for Eraser there all
the time? Sheesh! After all
the trouble we went through--
DENNIS
Well, we still don't have it...
the computer's got a password
on it we haven't been able to
crack.
GRATING
And even with the formula,
there's no guarantee we'dve
found a cure in time for Fawn.
Things worked out... for the best!
MIRANDA's looking at a smaller computer.
MIRANDA
What's this do?
STARK
Now *that* computer does work.
I dunno what DW hooked it up
to, but it'll tell you the
instant a crime happens anywhere
in the city. We also use it to
file arrest reports.
The conputer starts beeping!
MIRANDA
I didn't do it!
STARK
The computer's telling us there's
a crime going down right now!
GRATING grabs a slip of paper from the machine.
GRATING
Bank Robbery, Fifth and Main!
Wright, Bobcat, you're with me!
STARK
Wait! We need Miranda!
GRATING
Take Bobcat!
BONKERS grins!
DENNIS
We need someone who *won't*
blow up the delicate equipment!
BONKERS' face falls. GRATING nods.
GRATING
That's a good point! C'mon, Bobcat!
GRATING and BONKERS run off as we hear DENNIS say "We're hours away from
tying it into the whole precinct."
CUT TO INT. SQUAD CAR 66. BONKERS has his head stuck out the window, air
BLASTING into his face, his TONGUE trailing behind in the distance.
GRATING is on the CB.
GRATING
Dispatch... we're comin' up to
Fifth and Main right now! Got
anything more on the perpetrators?
The SQUAD CAR turns onto Fifth and Main. As GRATING waits for a reply,
BONKERS yells
BONKERS
Ohmygosh! Oh, NO! Run for yer life,
Lieutenant! It's Taco Bob and his
Burrito Banditos!
BONKERS grabs the steering wheel and JERKS it hard, sending the SQUAD CAR
CRASHING into a fire hydrant, which BREAKS, sending hundreds of gallons of
water into the air! GRATING looks up and mumbles, then gets out of the car.
PAN OVER to the BANK. A Toon TACO in a bad sombrero and ammo reels
crisscrossing his front is firing pistols into the air, and several smaller
tacos are dancing around him. A CROWD is watching all of this.
TACO
Hola, la policia stupido! Eet es I,
el hombre grande, TACO BOB! Meet my
many leetle friends, the BURRITO BANDITOS!
GRATING whips out a BULLHORN.
GRATING
You'll never get outta this alive, Bob!
Surrender now, or we'll storm in shooting!
TACO BOB
I don't theenk so, copper! For in my leetle
hand, I have a *helpless* hostage!
TACO BOB opens his hand! Nothing's there!
GRATING
Nice try, you nefarious nincompoop!
Surrender or be subdued!
GRATING draws his gun! BONKERS stops him!
GRATING
What is it, Bobcat?!
BONKERS hands him a pair of BINOCULARS!
BONKERS
Look in his hand!
GRATING takes a look! In the BINOCULAR VIEW, we see a small TOON MICROBE!
GRATING
Who's *that?*
BONKERS
That's Microbe Max, star of all
those Listermint mouthwash commercials!
GRATING
You mean that little germ on TV who
goes, "I'll rot your teeth, ha-ha-ha"
and then gets drowned by a crushing
wave of mouthwash?
BONKERS
Yeah! You're a fan o' his, too?
GRATING
Heck, no! I *HATE* him! There
isn't one person OR toon in this
city, except for you, who doesn't hate
him!
GRATING RUSHES TACO BOB, FIRING WILDLY! He *TACKLES* the TACO, handcuffing
him! The BURRITO BANDITOS drop their guns and walk off as BONKERS looks at
them sternly. The crowd cheers for a minute, then we hear a loud EEEP! and
the crowd goes silent!
GRATING
Wha? What is it?
BONKERS has one hand over his eyes and is shaking his head, pointing down
onto the ground.
BONKERS
You squashed Microbe Max.
GRATING looks down and behind him at his boot, a look of concern on his face.
He then grinds the boot into the ground a bit more. The crowd CHEERS!
GRATING
That's my community service for the day!
BONKERS' jaw hits the ground. An AD EXECUTIVE walks by, sobbing.
AD EXECUTIVE
We did too good a job of making him universally
reviled and despised. Oh, sad, sad fate!
He sobs. BONKERS comforts him, also sobbing.
AD EXECUTIVE
Why don't you buy some just-released Microbe
Max Memorial Listermint? To... remember him by?
The AD EXECUTIVE proffers a box of LISTERMINT bottles.
BONKERS
These bottles look just like regular Listermint!
AD EXECUTIVE
Yes, but they cost three times as much. They're
memorial, trust me. And, if all else fails, they
make excellent home explosives!
CUT TO EXT. 34th PRECINCT. GRATING is leading TACO BOB and crew up the
stairs. BONKERS is following, carrying a ton of LISTERMINT boxes, which
he hides in a corner.
BONKERS
How come we're takin' in the
prisoner durin' lnch break,
when everybody's out 'cuz the
constructions workers are gonna
fumigate?
GRATING
*'Cuz* I don't feel like waitin'
half an hour just to fill out
some paperwork!
CUT TO INT. COMPUTER ROOM. GRATING is in front of the large computer. BONKERS
is coming into shot.
GRATING
You process the prisoners?
BONKERS
Yeah. Whatchya doin', Lieutenant?
GRATING
Entering the data on the bust into
the computer. Skewer wants it all
computerized.
GRATING begins typing at the big computer. The words, "Enter Password" can
be seen. BONKERS tugs at GRATING's arm.
BONKERS
Uhh, Lieutenant--
GRATING
Not *now*, Bonkers!
COMPUTER
Incorrect password, please try again.
GRATING
You made me mistype it!
BONKERS tugs again.
BONKERS
But Lieutenant, it's the *other* comp--
COMPUTER
Incorrect password, please try again.
GRATING GLARES at BONKERS!
GRATING
Quiet!
He points to the corner of the room.
Stand there!
BONKERS complies. GRATING types again.
COMPUTER
Incorrect password--
GRATING
(sotto)
I don't get it--
I *couldn't* have typed it in wrong!
SIRENS GO OFF!
COMPUTER
Initiating lockdown sequence!
All over the building, doors and windows lock. Bars spring up over all exits.
BONKERS and GRATING are TRAPPED in the building!
FADE OUT
END OF ACT I
FADE IN
ACT II
INT. WACKYTOONS STUDIO - CONTROL ROOM
BRAIN's huge BOX with a RED BUTTON in it is attached to a huge TV set.
BRAIN
Is all in a state of readiness, Pinky?
PINKY
Right-o, yup! NARF!
BRAIN
Excellent. Then let us--
FLAPS the ELEPHANT comes out of nowhere and GRABS BRAIN with his trunk!
FLAPS has covered his mouth with his HUGE left ear like a bandanna.
BRAIN
What do *you* want? And are
you aware that one of your
Ears is grossly larger than
the other?
PINKY
Ha ha! Fat blobby big-ear!
Fat blobby big-ear! ZORT!
PINKY laughs, his big ears flapping all the while.
FLAPS drops BRAIN and cowers, shivering.
FLAPS
Ick! Muh-muh-muh-MICE! I'm
terrified of mice!
BRAIN
Actually, the mythological
perception that large pachyderms
such as yourself fear mice is
utterly inaccurate, having no
basis in science.
FLAPS grabs BRAIN again!
FLAPS
Thanks for pointin' that out!
PINKY
Erm... Point. You are aware,
of course, that Brain was,
in fact, lying?
FLAPS SHRIEKS and DROPS BRAIN! HE RUNS OFF!
BRAIN
Well played, Pinky!
I never suspected that you
were capable of such subterfuge!
PINKY
Wot? You mean you *weren't* lying?
Well knock me on the skull with
a wet noodle! Ooh hoohoohoo!
BRAIN
Normally, I would take this opportunity
to cause you great physical discomfort--
but we don't have the time. Pinky,
activate the Electrostatic Transdimensional
Realitronic Inverteron Device!
PINKY picks his nose. BRAIN slaps himself on the head!
BRAIN
Ergh! PRESS THE GLOWING RED BUTTON!
Turn on the *Reality Inverter*!
Just as PINKY presses the button, FLAPS bursts in, a SCIENCE TEXTBOOK in
hand!
FLAPS
I've been readin up on dis science ting...
FLAPS whips out a tommygun and aims it at PINKY and the BRAIN!
An' I tink I ain't afraid of you mice ANY more!
BRAIN
Oh, crackers.
OVERLAY TITLE: A FEW MINUTES EARLIER... DURATION: 3 SECONDS
BONKERS and GRATING are HUDDLING in a corner, HANDS in their EARS. PAN DOWN
to a FUSE at their feet, which is burning. FOLLOW the burning end of the
fuse to a HUGE pile of LISTERMINT stacked up against a wall! The LISTERMINT
EXPLODES! The room is filled with SANITIZED, GERM FREE SMOKE!
As the SMOKE clears, we see GRATING and BONKERS clambering out into the
street. PULL BACK to reveal them standing in front of the 34th Precinct.
BONKERS looks behind them. His jaw drops, but GRATING doesn't notice.
GRATING
I hope they don't take that wall
outta my salary!
BONKERS
What wall?
GRATING looks back. The wall they blasted through is intact! What's more,
the entire 34th Precinct is intact, just like it was back in Season 1 of
Bonkers!
BONKERS
Gosh, that Listermint's good stuff.
GRATING
Whoa whoa whoa... what happened to the
cranes, the construction workers, the
blown-up third floor and the glass out
front? It's all like new! *Better* than
new!
BONKERS is looking all around him.
BONKERS
Umm, Lieutenant? It isn't just the police
station...
DO A SWEEP of the area. Hollywood is intact. None of the damage taken in
the last 24 hours is there. Everything looks tranquil and calm.
GRATING
Okay, something's screwy here. I think we
need to see Chief Skewer. He's usually on
toppa this kinda thing.
BONKERS
Okeedokee!
He does a TAKE.
Lookee!
BONKERS and GRATING look at one of the SQUAD CARS pulling in. It's shiny and
new, not dented and in disrepair like the cars they're used to.
GRATING
(sotto)
There's some sort of sinister
science weaving its wicked work
here, I just *know* it!
BONKERS
What was that?
GRATING
Uhm, nothing!
BONKERS and GRATING walk into the precinct. All the other cops are wearing
the old uniforms with the bright blue tops, gold badges and navy bottoms.
Everybody's looking at GRATING and BONKERS strangely, and they get strange
looks in return. Our heroes approach the READY ROOM, and through the doorway
we can see MIRANDA, STARK and DENNIS in their old outfits (with no injuries)
looking forwards to the podium. GRATING walks in at a rapid clip--
CUT TO INT. READY ROOM
GRATING
Chief Skewer, we've gotta tal--
CHIEF KANIFKY, who was in the middle of a speech, stops.
KANIFKY
Wha-what is this, Sergeant Grating?
All the cops start to mumble to one another as GRATING and BONKERS stand
near the podium, confused.
GRATING
Mr. Mayor! Uhh, sorry, sir, we, uh--
KANIFKY
Mayor? Well, maybe someday when I
get some vacation time I might think
about running, but, nonono, I'm
still just the Chief-- waitaminute--
What's with those drab uniforms?
That's LAPD regular-- and, are those
*lieutenant's* stripes on your shoulder?
Heavens, man! Are you bucking for a section-8?
GRATING starts to back up slowly. KANIFKY walks up to him and RIPS off
the stripes.
KANIFKY
You'll wear those stripes someday, Sergeant, but
not today! Now, go get back into uniform, and
get back here on the double! Move it, man!
MIRANDA comes up to BONKERS.
MIRANDA
Bonkers, what's the matter with the Sarge?
BONKERS
Uhm, well, ya see--
GRATING GRABS BONKERS!
GRATING
We gotta get outta here!
BONKERS waves bye-bye as GRATING drags him out the door.
CUT TO INT. HALLWAY.
BONKERS
What's goin' on here, Lieutenant?
Everything's like it was six
years ago!
SARGE
Yeah, which means *Chief* Kanifky,
*Sergeant* Grating, and *no*
Chief, or even *Captain* Skewer!
He isn't gonna replace me for a year!
BONKERS
Where was he when you were in charge,
*Sarge*?
GRATING GRABS BONKERS by the collar!
GRATING
LISTEN UP! No matter what these freakazoids say,
Bobcat, I'm a *Lieutenant!* I worked hard
for those stripes, got it!?
BONKERS nods. GRATING releases him.
Well, Skewer never did talk a lot about
his past... I know he was on the force
for 18 years...
BONKERS
Look!
We see SKEWER coming down the hall, wearing a grey flannel suit and polished
brown shoes. His mirrored sunglasses are there, as well as his constant
monotone.
SKEWER
Ahh, Lieutenant Grating, Francis Q, and
Officer Bobcat, Bonkers D. About time you
two gentlemen showed up.
GRATING
You called me "lieutenant"-- how--
SKEWER
Don't ask a question you don't
want answered. Captain Eric Skewer,
Internal Affairs Division, LAPD--
but then you knew that already.
GRATING
IAD? It figures.
GRATING rolls his eyes.
SKEWER
Actually, I'm on loan from higher up--
but I've said too much. Now, you boys
seem to have a problem developing. You're
sticking out like sore thumbs.
GRATING
Are you from here, or where we are?
SKEWER
It's one and the same, boys-- but you've
gotta be sharp enough to realize it. We're
all playing the parts we're supposed to be
playing-- except for you two-- and me, I
guess. I'm breaking character even talking
to you guys.
BONKERS
You make it sound like a big play!
SKEWER
The biggest play of all. Nuts.
SKEWER looks around.
GRATING
What is it?
SKEWER
He's onto me. I knew it was only a matter
of time. Listen! Head for Bonkers' old
trailer-- or at least the cliff it was on.
You'll be safe there for a time. I have
to go. See you gentlemen on the flipside.
GRATING
What the heck is this, time travel?
SKEWER
Nope, though I'm sure it'll happen someday
the way things go in this town. Washington's
*much* saner. People shoot at you for chewing
bubble gum, and some nut's always looking
for aliens, but it's *much* saner. Listen. Your
adversary knows nothing more about police procedure
than what the average five-year old sees on Saturday
morning cartoons. Use that to your advantage.
SKEWER walks off casually, but quickly.
GRATING
Let's go!
CUT TO EXT. 34th PRECINCT. GRATING is trying to open the door of a squad
car, but his key isn't working.
GRATING
I can't believe I, a *cop*,
am gonna haveta break into a
squad car!
GRATING is about to SMASH the window! BONKERS shakes his head, GRABS his
tail and shapes the end of it into a KEY, unlocking the door. They get in,
and BONKERS starts the car the same way!
BONKERS
Lemme drive!
CUT TO EXT. BONKERS' OLD HOUSE. A SMALL WOODEN SIGN rammed into the ground
reads "FORMER SITE OF THE BONKERS D. BOBCAT MUSEUM". The SQUAD CAR pulls up
next to the sign, dented and bashed in every conceivable way.
The Driver's side door falls off, and BONKERS steps out, followed by GRATING,
who closes his door only to have the entire car collapse in on itself.
BONKERS
Hey! How come my old trailer is still
gone? I wanted ta try saving some'a
the stuff that was in it! That way Elvis,
Houdini and Lugosi won't wreck it all when
they show up on the flying--
BONKERS stops talking when he sees what GRATING's staring at. The CLIFF on
which BONKERS' house resides has a good view of HOLLYWOOD, or rather, a HUGE
REEL OF FILM moving from TOP of SHOT to BOTTOM of SHOT, in which is contained
PICTURES of HOLLYWOOD!
BONKERS
Awesome Possum! All of Hollywood's a big
animated FILM! That means the 34th and
everything around it are just SETS!
There's a BLAST of LIGHT! The FILM vanishes! HOLLYWOOD looks normal again,
and BONKERS' trailer is as good as new! Only GRATING and BONKERS and the
bashed bits of the SQUADCAR look like they're six years older.
GRATING
All the world's a stage, Bonkers,
and *we're* the actors!
Begin FADE OUT
BONKERS
Well, how come the Squad Car isn't
looking better?
FADE TO BLACK ON:
GRATING
That's just your bad driving.
END OF ACT II
ACT III
FADE IN TO INT. WACKYTOONS STUDIO
PINKY and THE BRAIN are tied up in a corner. FLAPS is standing next to the
box with the huge red button on it, and we can see GRATING and BONKERS in
the final scene of Act II looking at the SQUAD CAR.
BRAIN
That was an extremely ill-advised move,
Flaps.
FLAPS
What're you talkin' about? I had to
keep them in the picture-- they'd
gotten outta shot!
BRAIN
Then you should have let them go!
FLAPS
*Oh*, no. Bobcat and Grating have
given me nothin' but trouble for
years and years and years. Now I
get to watch them *squirm*. I just
can't figure how that Skewer guy
broke my control over him...
BRAIN
Forget your petty grudge! Return the Reality
Inverter to its former power setting! Leaving
it this extended is dangerous!
FLAPS
And why is that, rodent-boy?
BRAIN
The Reality Inverter places a great deal
of stress on whatever portion of reality
it places in the television! If you keep
expanding its influence, it might destabilize
the nature of reality itself, leading to
unpredictable side effects now, or in the
future!
FLAPS
Who cares? I've got control of the script,
and that's all that matters. I think it's
time our heroes got into a little trouble...
CUT TO GRATING and BONKERS, who are walking through Hollywood.
BONKERS
Isn't it neat to see everything the way
it was, Lieutenant?
GRATING says nothing, looking at a SQUAD CAR that is passing by. The COP
inside glares at them and calls something in on the radio.
GRATING
I don't like the look of that! Come on!
MORE squad cars approach! BONKERS and GRATING are being surrounded! Two
generic COPS get out of their car.
COP 1
Halt! Stay where you are!
Western sting. BONKERS is in cowboy gear, holding his hands to his hips.
BONKERS
Draw, varmints.
The COPS go for their guns, and get SPLATTED in the face by toon pies! They
go down! Bullets fly from behind BONKERS and GRATING! GRATING goes for his
gun, but BONKERS stops him!
GRATING
What're you doing?!
BONKERS straps fruit all over himself and does a CARMEN MIRANDA impersonation!
At first, the COPS want to shoot him, but then they start dancing! The entire
police force is doing a TANGO! GRATING starts to as well, and catches himself!
He and BONKERS sneak away down an alley, but a police HELICOPTER hovers
overhead! One of the cops in the chopper FIRES at them!
GRATING
I don't think they wanna mambo!
BONKERS is busy playing with a string, and not paying attention. The CHOPPER
comes closer! GRATING fires at them, but runs out of bullets! One of the cops
levels his rifle at BONKERS! We see BONKERS in his sights.
CUT TO BONKERS, who's still innocently playing with the string. The music
gives you the sense something bad's going to happen to him. Pull BACK to show
the cop arming his rifle. RAPID, JERKY PUSH IN on BONKERS, whose eyes narrow,
as he spins around, whipping out a HUGE, MAN-SIZED SUPER SOAKER 9,000,000!
BONKERS fires a BLAST of HIGH PRESSURE WATER which hits the COP, causing him
to jerk backwards, firing into the air and damaging the rotor on the
helicopter! The CHOPPER spins around, and the COPS bail out just before it
CRASHES into some nearby buildings!
GRATING
Am I glad you're on our side! I'd
hate to think what kinda toon criminal
you coulda turned out to be!
As more COPS arrive from the street, BONKERS replies
BONKERS
Umm, Lieutenant? Right now I think I *am* a
toon criminal!
GRATING
Oh, yeah... COME ON!
GRATING YANKS BONKERS down a side alley just as the cops arrive!
They climb up a fire escape and begin moving from rooftop to rooftop,
looking down at the growing mumber of squad cars coming into the area. There
is a huge GAP between two buildings, and GRATING bounds it! BONKERS makes
a huge leap, but misses the edge! GRATING grabs his arm and pulls him up!
BONKERS
Gee, Lieutenant-- I thought you
were afraid of heights?
GRATING
I got over it a while ago.
GRATING points down to the street.
They must've sent out half the
precinct to find us! We need to
find out what's going on!
GRATING gets ready to move. BONKERS holds up a restraining hand. A Toon
light bulb appears over his head. He takes the light bulb and shoves it in
his ear, right into his SKULL!
X-RAY VIEW of BONKERS' head. BONKERS is orienting the bulb like a CRT tube
inside a TV.
We see STATIC on BONKERS' eyes.
GRATING
You've got no reception.
BONKERS points to his ears. GRATING adjusts them. A picture forms on BONKERS'
eyes.
GRATING
First rabbit ears, now Bobcat ears. Swell.
PUSH IN on the picture. SHIRLEY WRIGHT is reporting for KCBS.
WRIGHT
--to recap, Sergeant Francis Q. Grating and
officer Bonkers D. Bobcat are the subjects
of an intense citywide manhunt. These two
CUT TO extemely unflattering mugshots of the two of them.
are wanted in connection with the theft of
a priceless Tupperware Egg stolen from the
Toon Museum of Modern Art last night.
PULL BACK from BONKERS' eyes.
BONKERS
That's ridiculous! Who'd steal one'a *those*
eggs?
GRATING
Yeah, really--
GRATING's expression turns surprised.
Uh-oh.
BONKERS
What is it, boss?
GRATING pulls something out of his pocket. A tupperware egg.
GRATING
This wasn't in my pocket a second ago.
DENNIS and MIRANDA show up behind GRATING and BONKERS! MIRANDA draws her
gun!
MIRANDA
Stop right there! Surrender the Egg!
BONKERS and GRATING hold up their hands.
PULL BACK to reveal all this in a TV screen. FLAPS is laughing hysterically.
BRAIN is glaring at him.
FLAPS
Ohh, the humiliation. Caught by their own
friends! It's so ironic! This is precious!
And to think, *Brain*, all you were gonna use
this for was to force TV Executives to sign
contracts that would put your toons on
network TV! This is *so* much better!
PUSH BACK IN. BONKERS and GRATING are in the back of a SQUAD CAR. DENNIS has
his gun trained on them.
GRATING
So, how's the new crime computer coming?
DENNIS blinks.
DENNIS
Err, just fine... stay where you are!
GRATING seems to be mumbling to himself. BONKERS' ear quivers, and he hears
it.
GRATING
Listen, Bobcat. I know you can hear
this, 'cuz of your cat-like hearing.
Remember when Skewer said this was
our world, and everybody's playing a
part? Well, that means everyone and
*everything* in our world is still
here, just in a different way. That
means the Crime Computer in the
basement, which can tell us who's
behind all this!
PULL BACK to FLAPS.
FLAPS
What's he saying? He's mumbling!
PINKY
Wotsamamtter? Dat huge ear not huge
enuff for ya? Hahaha!
FLAPS spins around and GLARES at PINKY! PUSH BACK into the TV, where BONKERS
and GRATING are being taken down to booking. As they get near the small
COMPUTER area, BONKERS does an EYE-POPPING take when he sees one of the
female cops! His heart starts pounding a mile a minute!
GRATING
Bobcat! This isn't the time for...
GRATING pauses when he notices one of the smaller eyes from the TAKE dropping
out of line with the others and hopping onto a desk. He slaps BONKERS on the
back.
CUT TO INT. CELLS. BONKERS and GRATING are behind bars.
GRATING
When's that eye of yours coming back?
BONKERS points to the small eye, which has sprouted legs and is walking over
to them. BONKERS grabs it and shoves it into his larger left eye.
BONKERS
Sorry for the delay, but he hadta
see the password Dennis was typin'
at the computer.
GRATING
You got it?
BONKERS
Yup!
GRATING
All I wanted to know!
GRATING pulls a canister from his pocket! He tosses it into the hallway,
where it DETONATES into a cloud of PURPLE SMOKE!
GRATING
Gotta love tear gas!
BONKERS shapes himself into a FACE MASK and CLAMPS onto GRATING! GRATING
produces a small key from his pocket and opens up the cell! They run for the
computer room!
BONKERS
How'd you sneak that by the search?
GRATING
What search? We were just thrown in jail,
remember? Skewer was right about our
adversary not knowing police procedure!
BONKERS and GRATING get to the crime computers. GRATING types in the right
password on the smaller computers, and a picture of FLAPS at WACKYTOONS
emerges.
GRATING
That's the felonious fiend! And he's
holed up in Wackytoons!
BONKERS
But wouldn't Flaps know about searches?
He's been arrested plenty of times!
GRATING
Who's gonna search a two-ton elephant?
PULL BACK OUT OF THE TV. FLAPS is arguing with PINKY. He turns and sees
BONKERS and GRATING at the computer!
FLAPS
Wha-? How'd they get out? I haven't
been paying enough attention!
FLAPS writes something down on a paper connected to the TV!
PUSH INTO the TV. A DOZEN COPS have surrounded BONKERS and GRATING, and
their guns are DRAWN! CHIEF KANIFKY comes out of their midst.
KANIFKY
To save the taxpayers time and money,
the Mayor has authorized the Police
Department to act as judge, jury and
Executioner!
MIRANDA walks forward, wearing a ripoff of a JUDGE DREDD outfit.
She's holding a huge GUN, which she aims at our heroes!
MIRANDA
You're being judged. You are accused
of stealing a priceless tupperware egg,
assaulting police officers with bad-tasting
pies, attacking them with tear gas and
forcing them to do the tango. You have been
found guilty. Are you ready for me to
pronounce sentence?
BONKERS and GRATING look at each other, gulp, and shake their heads weakly.
MIRANDA
The sentence is death.
Officers, prepare to *execute* sentence!
MIRANDA and the COPS all ARM their weapons!
FADE OUT
END OF ACT III
ACT IV
FADE IN
BONKERS and GRATING are pressed up against a wall. BONKERS is wearing a
blindfold and puffing on a cigar. KANIFKY and the COPS are lined up opposite
them, weapons drawn.
KANIFKY
Ready...
PUSH IN on BONKERS' rear, where we see his tail stretching and moving down to
the ground, slithering like a snake. It is getting behind the computers...
PULL BACK. We see the tail unobtrusively hovering over the main computer's
keyboard. It begins to type as KANIFKY says "Aim."
COMPUTER
Incorrect password, please try again.
KANIFKY and the others look around. The tail types again.
COMPUTER
Incorrect password, please try again.
DENNIS
Sir, I think the computer's malfunctioning--
we need to--
COMPUTER
Incorrect password--
SIRENS GO OFF!
COMPUTER
Initiating lockdown sequence!
KANIFKY and the others run out of the room just before all its doors and
windows lock, and bars spring up over all exits. GRATING takes the blindfold
off BONKERS.
GRATING
Talk about Deja Vu!
BONKERS
Yeah, and it also feels like
we've done this before!
GRATING smacks his head.
PAN OVER to one of the steel barricades, where we see a cutting torch coming
through!
GRATING
They're cutting through! We've got
to get outta here!
BONKERS
How?
GRATING
This is the sub basement, right?
BONKERS
Yeah...
GRATING goes over to a manhole, and pulls it open! He climbs down, and
BONKERS follows, using his TAIL to replace the manhole lid!
CUT TO INT. SEWER.
BONKERS and GRATING are running from distant voices, splashing their way
through the sewer.
GRATING
We've gotta take the Sewer all the way to
Wackytoons!
BONKERS
Good idea... but, look!
BONKERS points to a long stretch of DEEP WATER right in front of them!
GRATING
You're a toon, right? Suck in a lotta air and
pop yerself, or something!
BONKERS nods.
BONKERS
But what about you?
GRATING
Forget me! Move it!
BONKERS swells up like a balloon and sticks a pin in himself, flying
haphazardly all over the screen until he ends up on the other side. GRATING
begins to breathe like he's hyperventilating, and JUMPS IN the water just as
the cops arrive! They take potshots at BONKERS for a few minutes. BONKERS
runs out of sight!
MIRANDA
Grating's not coming back up. He's
history. Let's get to Wackytoons--
That's where Bonkers is headed.
DENNIS
How'd you know that, Miranda?
MIRANDA
I dunno-- I just do.
PULL BACK to show FLAPS looking at static.
FLAPS
Nuts! They're out of range again!
Lucky thing I pulled the cops back
just before I lost them, too!
FLAPS makes for the Reality Inverter's button!
BRAIN
FLAPS! If you press that button
again, the Inverter may destroy
reality as we know it! Leave it
alone! Logically, Bonkers will
*have* to come to you now,
whether he wants to or not!
FLAPS nods, and pulls back. He refocuses on MIRANDA and the others heading
for the studio.
CUT TO INT. SEWER. BONKERS comes up to the edge of the water.
BONKERS
Lieutenant?
(beat)
Grating?
(beat)
*Francis*?
A thick hand flies out of the water, CHOKING BONKERS! GRATING rises out of
the water, CARRYING BONKERS away from its edge!
GRATING
Don't ever, *ever* call me *FRANCIS!*
BONKERS nods jerkily, and GRATING drops him.
BONKERS
Wanna tell me how come *you* know
Micronesian Breath control?
GRATING looks at BONKERS and shakes his head.
GRATING
I dunno what you're talking about.
GRATING starts to move away. BONKERS restrains him!
GRATING
We don't have time for this, Bobcat!
Even now the putrid plans of that
plump pachyderm are--
BONKERS shakes his head.
BONKERS
How long didya think it would
take me ta notice what was goin' on?
I may be a toon, but I'm not stupid,
ya know. I *am* a cop, after all--
Didja think the LIES would last
forever, *Darkwing*!
GRATING slumps down into a corner.
GRATING
What tipped you off?
BONKERS
Lotsa little thingys. Fer one thing,
nowadays, every time you get in a criminal
situation, you start to alliterate
(wow, that's a big word) like DW. Also,
you were the one all interested in
getting to his crime gear before Negaduck,
and you were trying to hack into his main
computer, which is why we were locked in
the first time. Not to mention the bandage
on yer head you said came from the explosion
at the precinct but which the security cameras
show you as havin' *before* the detonation. And
just now you used onea his purple smoke canisters.
I think Darkwing got taken out on Christmas Eve
an' you decided to pick up the torch!
GRATING nods.
GRATING
Nice work, Bobcat. I'm impressed. But you're
not *totally* right.
FLASHBACK to "DARKWING FOREVER?"
LIQUIDATOR, like a spring, bounces FAWN closer to Negaduck. He holds the
Eraser dangerously close to her face.
NEGADUCK
Ahh, the sweet scent of vengeance.
Five years ago Duck Jones kicked me
out of my job, and tonight, I'm gonna
repay the favor! First I'll rub out his
most famous female star, then the man
himself, and then finally his legacy--
the entire studio! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Suddenly, a hissing noise is heard! Purple Smoke fills much of the alley!
NEGADUCK turns, brushing Fawn's shoulder with the Eraser! She collapses
as LIQUIDATOR uncoils himself and follows Negaduck.
Out of the cloud of smoke, we see
DARKWING DUCK
I am the terror that flaps in the night!
I am--
NEGADUCK hurls the Eraser at DARKWING!
NEGADUCK
--DEAD!
The ERASER hits DARKWING, who barely has time to react as he turns into a
black and white drawing, then a pencil sketch, and finally nothing as he
vanishes. NEGADUCK carefully picks up the ERASER with the cloth. SIRENS
can be heard in the background.
NEGADUCK
Drat! The Cops! Come on, Liquidator!
AERIAL SHOT of Negaduck running off, LIQUIDATOR trailing behind as a puddle
of water, and Fawn lying in the alley, on her side. There is but a wisp of
smoke where Darkwing Duck once stood. The door to Wackytoons studio opens,
spilling light onto Fawn. DUCK JONES can be seen sticking his head out of
the door and calling for Fawn.
GRATING
(voice over)
Every toons' more than just
lines and ink. There's a bit
of magic in each one. DW was
down to just the magic, and
there were only a few seconds
left...
Show GRATING, DENNIS and STARK running onto the scene. DENNIS and STARK are
leaning over FAWN. GRATING is next to the wisp of smoke... and he inhales it!
GRATING
I was probably the cop who knew
DW best. I'd started off hunting
him down when he became a vigilante,
then I started cheering him when he
became a deputized lawman, like us.
So, when what little was left of him
wanted to join with me, make me into
a hero, who was I to refuse?
BONKERS
Ironic, ain't it?
CUT TO GRATING putting on the Darkwing Costume.
GRATING
I'd always wanted to stop crime, but
as a cop there was always some rule
gettin' in the way. Darkwing gave me
his knowledge and skills, and I gave
him a-- well, body! Together, we
cleaned up crime!
CUT BACK to present.
GRATING
I needed the Pen to give DW his own body back,
but by the time you got it, there was just
enough ink left for Fawn, and we knew what had to
be done. DW's last hope was the Eraser
formula in the computer, which is what
I was trying to get this morning, but...
now it's too late.
BONKERS
You mean...
GRATING
The little piece of him that was left is
fizzling out, like a used-up candle. That's
why I couldn't help out in the Negaverse--
DW was too weak. Once the last of him goes,
I don't think I can go on anymore.
BONKERS and GRATING are slowly walking through the sewer.
BONKERS
Why not?
GRATING
I can't go back to just being a cop! I wanna
be a hero!
BONKERS
Cops are heroes too, y'know.
GRATING
Yeah, but the thin blue line only
goes so far. The criminal element
fears Darkwing Duck more than they
do Francis Q. Grating. Only--
GRATING pauses.
He's gone now. Totally. Funny how I
thought I could keep Darkwing around
forever.
BONKERS
If there's anything you proved
over the past few days, Lieutenant,
it's that you *are* Darkwing, so--
GRATING
But DW was telling me what to do!
how to act! Coaching me every
step of the way!
BONKERS
Well, the training wheels are *off*,
little mister! Yer the one who hasta
pick up that gas gun and put on the
mask, so it's all up to you!
GRATING nods. He drops his pants, to reveal a black pair underneath.
Unbuttoning his shirt, we see the purple DW jacket. GRATING dons a pair of
BLACK four-fingered gloves and duck-feet boots, and attaches his cape.
Finally, he puts on the hat and a beak/mask combo. The red eye coverings
glow for a moment.
BONKERS
Awesome Possum! But we need to do something
about the silent treatment!
DARKWING frowns.
DARKWING
(in GRATING's voice)
Oh yeah, like anybody who hears me talk's
gonna think I'm Darkwing for even a--
BONKERS whips out a balloon and empties its contents into DARKWING's mouth!
DARKWING
(sounding like DARKWING)
Hey! What? Bobcat, what *was* that stuff?
BONKERS
Helium.
DARKWING
Well, let's give this a try...
DARKWING whips out a GAS GUN!
Let's get Dangerous!
BONKERS gives a THUMBS UP!
BONKERS
Perfecto!
BONKERS and DARKWING make it to a manhole cover!
CUT TO DARKWING-EYE VIEW of the situation. We see a RED screen with fancy
computer readouts. The words "X-Ray" flash for a moment, and we see MIRANDA,
DENNIS and STARK pointing their guns at the manhole from the other shot!
We see a BOBCAT skeleton making its way towards them! Switch back to a red-
tinted normal view.
DARKWING
Bonkers! Wait!
BONKERS is about to open the manhole!
FADE OUT
END OF ACT IV
ACT V
FADE IN
MIRANDA, DENNIS and STARK have their guns aimed at the manhole cover! It
moves! They get ready to fire, when it LAUNCHES into the air, leaving a
trail of PURPLE SMOKE! They RUN from the scene, coughing and gagging!
PAN DOWN to the manhole, where DARKWING is holding up his Gas Gun, which
still has some gas emanating from it. BONKERS and DW climb out, and are
standing in front of WACKYTOONS.
PULL BACK out of the TV, where FLAPS is watching this.
FLAPS
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I dunno where Bonkers
found Darkwing Dufus, but it doesn't
matter! I've written up a defense not
even he can beat!
We're still watching on FLAPS' TV.
BONKERS
The whole building's surrounded with
CRIME SCENE TAPE!
DARKWING
Will ya forget the tape? I'm more
worried about the five hundred cops
with TANKS and HELICOPTERS surrounding
the place!
FLAPS is laughing hysterically. BONKERS points at something, and DW nods.
The next thing we know, BONKERS and DW are in WACKYTOONS studio, behind
FLAPS!
FLAPS
What? How'd you goodie-goodies get past my
super defenses?!
BONKERS / DARKWING
Plot hole. BIG plot hole.
BRAIN
Of course! The Reality Inverter makes
life into a TV show, Flaps, and your show
was running long, so according to the rules
of broadcast television, a way had to be
found to end the story on time, no matter
how ridiculous or contrived it was! It's how
most sitcoms are written!
FLAPS
(sotto)
Oh, the irony of it all.
(normal)
And Awaaaay we go!
FLAPS is trying to FLY AWAY with his one gigantic ear! He's flying in a
circle! PINKY and the BRAIN are hopping around, trying to get loose.
BRAIN
One of you! Shut off the Reality Inverter!
It's overextended and it's been on too long!
It's going to overload!
DARKWING is busy apprehending FLAPS. BONKERS heads over to the Reality
Inverter, which is smoking and sparking.
BONKERS
How do I shut it off?!
REALITY is CRACKING! The Picture is rolling and static filled!
BRAIN
Hit the RESET BUTTON! The REEESSSSSSEEEEETTTTT....
The picture clicks off!
It clicks back on again!
BONKERS and DARKWING are standing in front of the damaged 34th Precinct.
It is nearly sunrise, and a construction crew is still installing glass on
the front of the building. MIRANDA comes up to them.
MIRANDA
Bonkers? Where have you been all day?
And where's Lieutenant Grating? We came
back from lunch to find a huge *hole*
blasted in the wall and the station
locked down tight!
DARKWING
Blame it all on this massive malefactor,
my dear Miranda!
MIRANDA
Darkwing! You're... talking! For a while
we thought you were dead, then we thought
you'd lost your voice--
CHIEF SKEWER walks by.
SKEWER
Don't be ridiculous, Officer Wright-- it's
Darkwing forever here in ol' Hollywood,
don't ya know? Stark needs to see you.
MIRANDA leaves.
SKEWER
Welcome back, gentlemen. I see you two
made it through in fine form.
DARKWING
Uhh, the two of us?
SKEWER
It's so hard to keep a secret these days,
isn't it--
SKEWER leans over and whispers, "Lieutenant?"
DARKWING
And you don't care--?
SKEWER
We need the Dark Warrior against injustice,
so I have no problem with him covering our
backs at night. But we also need a tough,
hard-as-nails Police Lieutenant to run the
day-to-day operations of this precinct. So,
if you see Lt. Grating, make sure he shows up
for work tommorow morning. I have a feeling it's
going to be one of *those* days...
CUT TO EXT. WACKYTOONS STUDIO. PINKY and the BRAIN are walking away into
the horizon.
PINKY
Well, that didn't work out, Brain...
Wot're we gonna do tommorow night?
BRAIN
The same thing we do every night, Pinky...
TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
PINKY
(distant)
But who's gonna run the studio?
BRAIN
(distant)
Oh, *Wacky Weasel* can do it!
PLAY the closing bars of the PINKY and the BRAIN theme.
CUT TO the devastated remains of TOONTOWN, where construction workers are
getting ready for a hard days' work. We see a CONSTRUCTION WORKER getting up
from a coffee break.
PUSH IN on his BOOT as he walks, STEPPING on a GLOWING MARBLE, which CRACKS,
RELEASING a wisp of black, malevolent energy...
END OF PART 5
To Be Continued...