CASE REPORT X4523J-956Y AGENTS OF RECORD: PIQUEL, LUCKY M. (S.A.)
RABBIT, FALLAPART (S.A.)
CODENAME: "DAY 3: THE TEX FILES"
DISCLAIMER FOLLOWS
Characters (C) WALT DISNEY STUDIOS
(save of course Captain Eric Skewer,
and those that belong to others like WB et al.)
Original Story by SUSHIL RUDRANATH
FOR PRIVATE USE ONLY, NOT ENDORSED BY DISNEY,
DON'T SUE ME, I'M A NICE GUY.
(And I stay true to the characters!)
DISTRIBUTE FREELY SO LONG AS NO CHANGES ARE MADE AND THIS
NOTICE REMAINS INTACT
END DISCLAIMER
TRANSCRIPT OF SWORN TESTIMONY DELIVERED DECEMBER 28, 1999 CONCERNING THE
EVENTS OF DECEMBER 27, 1999.
LOCATION: CONFERENCE ROOM 13, LOS ANGELES FBI HEADQUARTERS
OFFICIALS IN ATTENDANCE:
J. MICHAEL SCRAPER, DIRECTOR, FBI
SPECIAL AGENT LUCKY M. PIQUEL
SPECIAL AGENT FALLAPART RABBIT
[CLASSIFIED 1]
[CLASSIFIED 2]
[CLASSIFIED 3]
[CLASSIFIED 4]
[CLASSIFIED 5]
TRANSCRIPT BEGINS
*** *** REGULATION FBI MINI COFFEE BREAK *** ***
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: So, Special Agent Pickle, would you like to give us
your version of the events which occured last night,
December 27th, 1999?
AGENT PIQUEL: That's Pi-*quel*, sir, and, umm... what events are you,
umm... talking about, erm, specifically?
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: The events involving yourself, Special Agent Rabid--
AGENT RABBIT: --uhh, that's ahh... "Rabbit", sir--
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Yes, yes, whatever, agent Rabid. The events involving
the two of you, a former associate of yours named
Bonkers, Darkwing Duck and Flaps the Elephant, in
which Fallaport here lost his brain, you your... shall
we say, *bulk*, and most importantly, *us* the Pen of
Avery, which even now is at the center of the worsening
Toontown crisis...
AGENT PIQUEL: How is it in Toontown, sir?
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: All we know is there may not *be* a Toontown for much
longer at this rate, Pickle. But that's not why we're
here today. We're here to decide whether or not you and
your partner should be *fired* for gross incompetence
and dereliction of duty!
*** *** REGULATION FBI COFFEE BREAK 1 *** ***
AGENT PIQUEL: Really, erm... sir, you say that at every meeting, sir...
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Funny, that. Please begin your testimony, Agent Pickle.
AGENT PIQUEL: Well, it all started after Fallapart and I had come back
from the Dead Sea, when we got a radio message from
Miranda Wright telling us that Bonkers had vanished.
AGENT RABBIT: Duh, we thought he'd rubbed some vanishing cream on
himself, but turns out that wasn't the case, nuh-uh.
AGENT PIQUEL: What?! *We* never thought that! *You* said that after I
shot down your theory that he'd been abducted by aliens!
AGENT RABBIT: Did not!
AGENT PIQUEL: Did *too*!
AGENT RABBIT: Did not!
AGENT PIQUEL: Did... not! (muttering) Heheheh... toons.
AGENT RABBIT: Did too! Right after you said Director Scraper was a
"pigheaded bureaucratic snob"!
AGENT PIQUEL: What? ***Agent Piquel has leapt over the table*** Why,
you *little--*
*** Agent Piquel is strangulating Agent Rabbit ***
*** General chuckle from all officers ***
*** The strangulation continues... ***
*** Director Scraper has stopped the strangulation ***
*** Duration: 2.7 minutes ***
AGENT PIQUEL: Ahem. Now, where was I? Oh yeah--
*** Agent Piquel has leapt over the table again ***
*** Agent Fallapart has... fallen apart. ***
*** Director Scraper is strapping both parties to their chairs ***
AGENT PIQUEL: Sorry about that. We knew Bonkers was upset that there
were a little less than two days left before Fawn Deer
would, uhm... expire..., so we knew we he'd probably be
going after the Pen same as us.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Did you expect things would turn out as they did?
AGENT PIQUEL: Not in a million years.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Continue your story, Agent Pickle.
AGENT PIQUEL: We'd burned most of the day hunting down the last known
whereabouts of Tex Avery, and it wasn't until about 10 PM
that we actually got to the old, burnt out animation
studio called "Termite Terrace" where Tex had spent his
last days as an animator.
AGENT RABBIT: It was a dark and spooky place, yah. Dark n' spoooookeeee.
AGENT PIQUEL: He's not kiddin'. The sky was barely lit by the moon, and
the lights of the city were far off in the distance. It
was just us, and the ghosts of the past.
AGENT RABBIT: And the UFO...
AGENT PIQUEL: Yeah, and the UFO...
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: The what?
AGENT PIQUEL: You heard me, sir... the UFO. It was blacker than the
night sky, and it moved silently overhead for a while
before we noticed it-- and then only by the shadow it
made on the ground--
AGENT RABBIT: Then there was a flash of light--
AGENT PIQUEL: I looked at my watch, and *poof*, thirty minutes had
vanished!
AGENT RABBIT: Along with my brain, and his belly.
*** restrained chuckles from the other officials ***
AGENT PIQUEL: Yeah, well, we didn't figure out the bit about his brain
until hours later... about the time when it started
interrogating us.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Are you telling me agent Rabid here went without a brain
for *hours* and you didn't notice?
AGENT PIQUEL: With all due respect, sir... would you?
***Agent Fallapart is drooling at his seat***
AGENT PIQUEL: It's not like he *uses* it, or anything--
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: The narrative, please!
AGENT PIQUEL: Yes, sir. The minute I could see--
AGENT RABBIT: --his feet--
AGENT PIQUEL: --Grrr... I knew something had changed--
AGENT RABBIT: --yeah, his waist size. (chuckle)
AGENT PIQUEL: Yeah, well not even *aliens* could fix your I.Q.!
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Gentlemen, *please*!
AGENT PIQUEL: Anyways, the saucer was gone, so we continued looking for
the Pen. It was 10:30 now, and we knew Fawn was running
outta time, so we did the best we could--
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: And you weren't interested in the least about hunting a
UFO?
AGENT PIQUEL: Well, it *had* vanished, sir-- and, frankly, after
working in this town for as many years as I have,
nothing really fazes ya anymore. So no, we let it go.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: A refreshing change of pace from some of our *other*
agents...
*** murmurs of approval from the other officers***
AGENT PIQUEL: Like I said, we did the best we could. Fallapart here
ripped himself to bits and shot himself out of a cannon
so he could cover the most territory in the least amount
of time.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Innovative thinking, agent Rabid!
AGENT RABBIT: Yeah, well I still can't find my spleen.
AGENT PIQUEL: What we did find was a map of the entire studio. Weird
thing was, the map was brand-new, like someone had drawn
it recently. And nobody'd been at the studio for years!
Odd thing was, we found it almost *too easily*. It just
fluttered down in front of Fallapart's disassociated
colon.
AGENT RABBIT: Tell him about the *death squad*.
AGENT PIQUEL: A few minutes after we started following the map, we
found ourselves surrounded by about a dozen black-ops
soldiers, and they all had their guns pointed at us!
AGENT RABBIT: Then they all fell down.
AGENT PIQUEL: Well, to be more *precise*, sir, they were all knocked
down by Flaps the Elephant, who seemed to come out of
nowhere!
AGENT RABBIT: That was when we ran.
AGENT PIQUEL: *Oh* yeah.
AGENT RABBIT: Like cowards. Really, really like scared, chicken cowards.
AGENT PIQUEL: Well-- I wouldn't go *that* far... we just got out of
range of the Black Ops guys, that's all.
AGENT RABBIT: Flaps didn't come after us, though... nah-ah... he said
sumthin' about "getting my ears redrawn."
AGENT PIQUEL: Apparently Flaps has this *thing* about the size of his
ears.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Aural envy, eh?
*** General chuckle from the officers ***
AGENT PIQUEL: *Ahem*, erm, anyhow--- we didn't know it at the time, but
we weren't the only ones at Termite Terrace that night
looking for the Pen.
AGENT RABBIT: Tell him about Flaps!
AGENT PIQUEL: I *just did*!
AGENT RABBIT: Then who're you talkin' about?
AGENT PIQUEL: I'm *talking* about *Darkwing Duck*, *Bushroot* and
*Bonkers*!
AGENT RABBIT: Oh yeah. They were there too. Definitely. Uh-huh.
Definitely.
AGENT PIQUEL: Near as we can figure, Darkwing Duck had arrived during
the half hour when Fallpart and I were on the UFO. He
had brought with him the headless Dr. Bushroot, who was
still alive after the partial erasing he'd gotten at the
hands of Shere Khan's men.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Now, this is an interesting question. How is it that
Bushroot lived, albeit headless, while Fawn Deer is
wasting away even as we speak? And for that matter, how
come Darkwing is still alive, given reports that Negaduck
hit him *full on* with the Eraser?
AGENT PIQUEL: Well, Dr. Bellum down in R&D thinks that 'cuz Bushroot is
mostly plant matter, he can lose a major part of his body
and still continue to live, just like when you cut a limb
off a tree-- you don't kill the tree, just the limb.
Plus, it was a clean erase, unlike Fawn's, which I've
heard was rough, to say the least. (shudder)
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: And Darkwing?
AGENT PIQUEL: Well, sir... Darkwing's another story... we don't think
he *is* Darkwing, to be perfectly honest with you. At
least not the Darkwing we all knew on TV and then later
as a viligante.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: What do you mean?
AGENT PIQUEL: I'll get to that in a moment, sir. But we need to go
back to around 10:15 PM, when Darkwing and Bushroot
showed up. Being betrayed by Shere Khan had sent Bushroot
over to our side, and so Darkwing was apparently trying
to cure Bushroot by getting the Pen so he could draw
Bushroot a new head. What we didn't know at the time was
that Darkwing also wanted the Pen for *himself*.
AGENT RABBIT: Yeah. And at 10:25 and 32 seconds, Bonkers showed up,
too-- and he was miffed! Oh yeah, miffed, lemmetellya!
AGENT PIQUEL: We'd taken over the search for the Pen from Bonkers and
Miranda 'cuz we figured we'd get to Hollywood faster if
we weren't escorting criminals back with us. And while we
got back faster, like I said, we burned a lot of the day
just findin' Termite Terrace.
AGENT RABBIT: Bonkers wuz gettin' so upset that he *left* Miranda at
the airport in Cairo and pulled a spy-thing, getting on a
funky stupersonic flight for LA! When he got back into
town an' found out we had *just now* made it to Termite
Terrace, he freaked *out*!
AGENT PIQUEL: Poor little guy just snapped inside, like a cheap rubber
band.
AGENT RABBIT: 'Course, we didn't know this till later.
AGENT PIQUEL: And we never could figure out how he knew where to find
us.
AGENT RABBIT: It was the lollipop-sucking man.
AGENT PIQUEL: Oh yeaaah... him...
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Who?
AGENT PIQUEL: Don't pretend you don't know who we're talking about,
sir... he had "Fed" written all over him. We didn't meet
him 'till later, though.
AGENT RABBIT: Uh-huh. Much later.
AGENT PIQUEL: He must've led Bonkers to the studio and given him a map,
cuz the Bobcat was able to find us *real* easy.
AGENT RABBIT: And he wasn't a happy toon.
AGENT PIQUEL: Bonkers was dressed in green civvies, the clothes he
wears when he's *not* on the job as a cop.
AGENT RABBIT: And he'd put these really *wicked* claws on one hand.
AGENT PIQUEL: You could tell he wasn't himself, 'cuz he just tossed
his badge aside and looked at us with this *look* in his
eyes--
AGENT RABBIT: A look of pure *evil*--
AGENT PIQUEL: Yeah--NO! Whaddya mean, "a look of pure evil"?! It was
the look of a desperate man, err, toon. It was like he
was sayin' to us "I can't take it anymore, I've got to
get the cure for Fawn, no matter *what* it takes!"
AGENT RABBIT: That's 'cuz that's what he said to us.
AGENT PIQUEL: Right *after* the look! He was... verbalizing his
emotions! Yeah!
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: What made this different from any other day for Bonkers
this past week? Intelligence reports he nearly had a
falling out with his partner when she *saved* him from
being touched by the Eraser. He was willing to blow
both their covers in the Dead Sea incident over it, and
he almost fell into an *erupting* volcano trying to get
it-- I would say Bonkers is obsessed with *anything* that
promises a cure for Fawn Deer!
AGENT PIQUEL: Well, if he wasn't before, he was last night. Something,
or someone--
AGENT RABBIT: --the lollipop-sucking man--
AGENT PIQUEL: --worked him up to the point where he was willing to
throw it all away just to get his hands on the Pen that
night. He told us that he *knew* the FBI would never let
him use the Pen to cure Fawn.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Preposterous!
AGENT PIQUEL: That's what we thought. So, we told Bonkers to calm down,
but he just ran off and vanished. All he'd left behind
was his badge.
*** Agent Piquel is displaying the Badge of Officer Bonkers D. Bobcat ***
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: What did you do then?
AGENT PIQUEL: What else could we do? We kept on hunting for the Pen.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Didn't it occur to you that Bonkers might do something
rash?
AGENT PIQUEL: We figured if he found the Pen first, he'd calm down and
take it to Von Drake's place. Fallapart had left an Ear
out just in case.
AGENT RABBIT: Yah. It's still there.
***Agent Rabbit's ear is hopping into the room; now jumping onto the table.***
AGENT RABBIT: Oh, no... here it is. Heheheheheheh.
AGENT PIQUEL: Anyhow, we had decided to check out Avery's old office
when good ol' Flaps the Elephant showed up, searching in
his own unique way...
AGENT RABBIT: Yeah. He was smashing everything in sight with his gut,
knockin' down walls, and doors, an' such--
AGENT PIQUEL: He was making it impossible for us to do our job, not to
mention endangering our lives.
AGENT RABBIT: That's when Darkwing and the Headless Wonder showed up.
AGENT PIQUEL: No kidding. It was the darndest thing! There was a puff
o' purple smoke, and then Darkwing swings in from the
middle of nowhere, holding up a little stuffed mouse!
AGENT RABBIT: Flaps went nuts. Oh yeah. Nuts. Definitely.
AGENT PIQUEL: Flaps was so scared, he backed into a wall, knocking it
over!
AGENT RABBIT: This was when we knew somethin' wasn't right with
Darkwing.
AGENT PIQUEL: Yeah. A piece of the wall was comin' down, and Bushroot
was able to do a toon ZIPPY thing and run outta the way.
AGENT RABBIT: Darkwing couldn't though. Nah-ah. He tried, but just
ended up runnin' funny, and a piece o' the wall--
AGENT PIQUEL: Fell and hit Darkwing on the head.
AGENT RABBIT: Uh-huh. Yup. Hard.
AGENT PIQUEL: Now, I've worked with toons for a long, long, *long*,
LONG time now--
AGENT RABBIT: Eight years.
AGENT PIQUEL: Eight years-- O boy... yeah, well anyway, whenever I've
seen a toon get hit on the head, like say Bonkers for
instance, either stars'd show up around his head, or
little chirpy birds, or... somethin'!
AGENT RABBIT: Yeah, we'll get squished, squashed, splatted or zonked,
but we'd never yell out 'ouch!' and pass out! Nah-ah...
that wouldn't be funny, definitely *not* funny.
AGENT PIQUEL: Right. The voice wasn't Darkwing's, and DW was out
*cold*. Bushroot had to pick him up and carry him off,
which wasn't easy considering he couldn't see where he
was going. I think Darkwing got more knocks being carried
off by Bushroot than he'd had gettin' hit on the head!
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Did you recognize the voice?
AGENT PIQUEL: It sounded familiar, but it was so far off that I
couldn't make it out too clearly.
AGENT RABBIT: Yeah, we also found somethin' on the ground where DW had
been.
AGENT PIQUEL: Uh-huh. Blood.
AGENT RABBIT: No, yer crazy! He's crazy! It was Catsup!
AGENT PIQUEL: It was *blood!*
AGENT RABBIT: It was Catsup!
AGENT PIQUEL: BLOOD!
AGENT RABBIT: CATSUP-- and I *know* it was Catsup 'cuz I tasted it and
it was Catsup so there. Catsup that just *tasted* like
*human blood*.
AGENT PIQUEL: ...
AGENT RABBIT: *Catsup!* So anyways, they umm, vanished, and then we
kept goin', looking for the uhh... the uhh... Ping? Pong?
AGENT PIQUEL: *PEN*!
AGENT RABBIT: Yeah, that.
AGENT PIQUEL: We were gettin' close to Avery's office. We could tell
because there were signs everywhere pointing to it.
AGENT RABBIT: The bad handwriting and the sloppy paint jobs on the
signs shoulda told us that it was a trap.
AGENT PIQUEL: (sigh) Didn't *I* tell you it was a trap?
AGENT RABBIT: Uhh... do I havta answer that? I plead the third!
AGENT PIQUEL: I told dim-bulb over here to back off, but only his
*back* listened to me. The rest of his body went
following the signs.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: What happened?
AGENT PIQUEL: It was a trap. His body vanished.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Vanished?
AGENT PIQUEL: Down a toon hole. It ended up on the other side of town,
caught a cab and drove back to us. Apparently, Bonkers
had mined the hallway with Toon Holes to keep us from
getting to the Pen.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: How did you get past the trap?
AGENT PIQUEL: Flaps got us past it. He came running by, and got one of
his feet stuck in the holes. Fallapart and I just climbed
up his back, ran along it, jumped down and made for the
office at the end of the hall.
AGENT RABBIT: It was a little too much exercise for some, gut or no gut.
AGENT PIQUEL: Hey! I made it, didn't I?
AGENT RABBIT: Only *after* I dragged your limp, exhausted body across
half the elephant!
*** Chuckles from other officials ***
AGENT PIQUEL: *ANYhow*... we made it to the end of the hallway. There
was a glass case in the wall, and it was cracked open,
like someone had hit it with a hammer. Bonkers was
standing right by the case, a look of total desperation
on his face. All he could do was point up.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: What was up?
AGENT RABBIT: Nah-ah... it's "What's up, Doc?"
AGENT PIQUEL: Ignore him-- he has no brain. It was the flying saucer,
sir. The saucer was moving off slowly--
AGENT RABBIT: But we didn't have time to worry about that right then--
AGENT PIQUEL: Nope, cuz right then Flaps showed up with a Tommygun--
AGENT RABBIT: --an' then he shot Bonkers.
*** *** REGULATION FBI COFFEE BREAK 2 *** ***
AGENT PIQUEL: Shot *at* Bonkers, you numbskull!
AGENT RABBIT: Yeah. Flaps missed. The UFO, uhhh... screwed up his aim.
AGENT PIQUEL: Oh, yeah-- it fell on him.
PIQUEL / RABBIT: Hard.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Were there toon stars floating 'round his head?
AGENT PIQUEL: No, just images of small flying saucers. Anyhow, I don't
know if it was instinct or just a gut reaction--
AGENT RABBIT: --not like you had much of a gut--
AGENT PIQUEL: Grrr--but we climbed on the UFO and actually found a way
inside, I guess... through the ventilation system.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Really? How very... interesting.
AGENT PIQUEL: But we must've set off an alarm or somethin' 'cuz next
thing we knew, little green men were crawling around the
ventilation shafts trying to zap us with their ray guns!
AGENT RABBIT: Big, BIG ray guns!
AGENT PIQUEL: We had to move *fast* in those ducts to keep ourselves
from getting fried!
AGENT RABBIT: Yeah. I greased us up with super toon grease. We just
slid around those corridors like... really fast things!
AGENT PIQUEL: I dunno how they were tracking us, but just when we
thought we'd gotten away from them, we hear all these
beeps and then somebody says "my god, they're right on
top of us!"
AGENT RABBIT: Uh huh! And then they zapped the *whole* ceiling.
AGENT PIQUEL: Heheh... lucky for us we had already scooted outta there.
AGENT RABBIT: Unlucky for us, well, y'know how a snowball can like,
cause an ava-lanchi? Well Lucky was the snowball, and he
just kept slidin' going faster an' faster an' faster an'
FASTER an' FASTERRRRR an' FASTERRRR an'--
AGENT PIQUEL: *WE GET THE POINT!*
AGENT RABBIT: 'Cuz he was so heavy, right? An' so he BLAMS! through a
wall, and BLAMS! through another wall, BLAM!ing and
BLAM!ing and BLAM!ing--
AGENT PIQUEL: Lucky fer me those alien walls were so darn soft--
*** Agent Piquel is tenderly feeling the numerous contusions on his head***
AGENT RABBIT: And then he got stuck.
AGENT PIQUEL: Yah. You wouldn't figure it, me being greased and thin
and all, but there I was, stuck. So Fallapart HAD to
somehow squeeze his way in next to me, wedging both of
us in tighter.
AGENT RABBIT: We were over some kinda funky control room thingy.
AGENT PIQUEL: Yup. There were dozens of little green men down there,
pulling all kindsa switches, pushing lotsa buttons, and
looking at lots of screens--
AGENT RABBIT: An' in the middle of the room, there was-- *The Pen*.
AGENT PIQUEL: It looked like an old style fountain pen, with a
lacquered wood finish, and a gold nib. The only weird
thing about it was that it glowed even in the light.
AGENT RABBIT: We were so... so... awestruck by the pen we totally
missed the noise. Yah. Totally missed it. Totally.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: What noise?
AGENT PIQUEL: The noise of the ventilation shaft giving way.
AGENT RABBIT: It was okay though, 'cuz then it gave way and we crashed
real good.
AGENT PIQUEL: Right *on top* of the aliens.
AGENT RABBIT: Who tied us up.
AGENT PIQUEL: And *probed* us. (shudder)
AGENT RABBIT: Well, you, anyway.
AGENT PIQUEL: And tortured-- hey, now that I think about it, they only
*did* mess with me! How come they left *you* alon--
AGENT RABBIT: --And read us BAD POETRY!
AGENT PIQUEL: No they *didn't*-- well, waitaminute. Yes, they did. I
think it was so bad my brain repressed the memory.
AGENT RABBIT: My brain didn't!
AGENT PIQUEL: That's because *your brain*, the little peanut that it
was, was standing there in the corner, *chatting* with
the *alien leader*!
AGENT RABBIT: So it felt underused and unappreciated. So what? Was
that any reason for it to run off and join some-- some--
aliens?! Gawsh!
AGENT PIQUEL: So anyway, there we were, tied up and all, getting ready
to be interrogated by Fallapart's Brain and the Alien
leader, when all of a sudden, what do we see on the main
viewscreen but--
AGENT RABBIT: Barney!
AGENT PIQUEL: The *main* viewscreen!
AGENT RABBIT: Sorry, Lucky. I was watching Barney on the little
viewscreen.
AGENT PIQUEL: Ergh. Bonkers, Darkwing and Bushroot were on the main
viewer.
AGENT RABBIT: Really? I thought that was a commerical!
AGENT PIQUEL: *No*, it wasn't a commercial, it was a test.
AGENT RABBIT: Of the emergency broadcast system? "This is a test-- BEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
AGENT PIQUEL: EWILLEYOUESHUTEUP?!EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: ESOMEBODYEGETETHEESEDATIVEEEGUN!EGOOD!EEOPENEEFIRE!EEEE--
*** Agent Rabbit has been sedated ***
AGENT PIQUEL: Thank God for that!
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Continue, Agent Piquel.
AGENT PIQUEL: The Pen was sitting on the ground about fifty feet away
from Bonkers and Darkwing, under an Anvil hung by a rope
that was comin' loose. On the--
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Wait-- I thought you said the Pen was on the alien ship?
AGENT PIQUEL: It was, but it was on the ground, too. You'll get it in a
second... anyhow, fifty feet in the *other* direction,
there was a lady about to get mugged by a Beagle Boy.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Interesting.
AGENT PIQUEL: Bonkers and Darkwing had a choice. They had just enough
time to either get the Pen, or save the lady. The aliens
were watchin' them *real* closely, as if they were
recording what was happening.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: What did Bonkers and Darkwing do?
AGENT PIQUEL: Bonkers was paralyzed. He took a step for the Pen, then
saw the lady, and took a step for her-- but he couldn't
decide.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: And Darkwing?
AGENT PIQUEL: Darkwing, well-- I thought he'd go for the lady right
off, but he was *also* stuck! That's when I saw the look
in his eyes--well, the shape of 'em, anyway, since he's
got 'em covered with that glowing red stuff now-- and it
was the same look Bonkers had on his face. *That's* when
I knew how bad Darkwing wanted it, too.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: What was Bushroot's reaction to all this?
AGENT PIQUEL: Bushroot ran around confused, banged into a few walls and
then sat down. He looked down, poor guy. Anyhow, Bonkers
and Darkwing finally came up with a solution-- the
obvious one. After talking about it for a sec, Bonkers
went for the Pen, and DW went for the lady.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: It sounds to me as if they wasted precious time
deciding.
AGENT PIQUEL: They did. Bonk-man made it to the Pen just as the rope
holding the Anvil snapped, and so he got squashed along
with it. By the time Darkwing made it to the lady in
distress, the Beagle Boy already had taken her purse
and had gotten off to who-knows where. To make a long
story short, neither of them got what they wanted.
*** Agent Rabbit is re-awakening ***
AGENT RABBIT: Hmrphllhappyhappyjoyjoyawowwhattheheckwasthat?
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: This still doesn't explain the two Pens...?
AGENT PIQUEL: The one on the ground was a fake, sir. It turns out the
aliens were *testing* Bonkers and Darkwing to see if
they could put aside their obsession with the Pen in
order to do their duties, and neither of them passed.
AGENT RABBIT: Yeah. The aliens were upset, shaking their heads and
stuff.
AGENT PIQUEL: Then things got strange.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: As if they weren't strange enough already?
AGENT PIQUEL: As we watched, the aliens started moving the flying
saucer.
AGENT RABBIT: Then they put up this video game on the screen.
AGENT PIQUEL: Yeah, well, it looked like a video game. In reality, it
was a map of Termite Terrace, *just* like the one we'd
found, and on it were these blips-- an orange one for
Bonkers, a grey one for Flaps, a green one for Bushroot
and a purple one for Darkwing.
AGENT RABBIT: The head alien told the one with the joystick something
in Alienese, and then we saw another blip on the screen--
a big red one--
AGENT PIQUEL: Which must've been the ship, 'cuz it started going over
all the other blips--
AGENT RABBIT: An' one by one, they all *disapppeared*-- oy... we were
scared, thinkin' they'd been zapped or sumthin'...
eeeewwwwwwwwww...
AGENT PIQUEL: It took us a few seconds--
AGENT RABBIT: --just long enough to see Flaps plop down in the middle
o' the control room--
AGENT PIQUEL: --to realize that the aliens were beaming everybody
aboard the flying saucer.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Did you have any idea *why* they were being brought on
board?
AGENT PIQUEL: Well, at first, we thought they were going to *probe*
them just like they had me. (shudder)
AGENT RABBIT: But that's not what they had in mind at all, nope.
AGENT PIQUEL: After the aliens had tied everyone up nice and tight--
AGENT RABBIT: --n' stuck a needle in yer gall bladder cuz' they could--
AGENT PIQUEL: --eh? You *HAD* to BRING THAT UP, DIDN'T YOU?! --ahem,
*then* they told us their plan.
AGENT RABBIT: It turns out that their planet has no toons.
AGENT PIQUEL: So they wanted to collect some.
AGENT RABBIT: Unfortunately, none of the toons they found passed the
test--
AGENT PIQUEL: So now they wanted to dissect them all-- and us!
AGENT RABBIT: An' I'll tell ya right now-- we all didn't make it outta
there in one piece!
*** *** REGULATION FBI COFFEE BREAK 3 *** ***
AGENT PIQUEL: Not surprising, considering you *fell apart*.
AGENT RABBIT: It happens.
AGENT PIQUEL: We managed to convince them that they'd caught us all at
a bad time, and so they decided to hold off on the
dissections for a bit. They took Bonkers and Darkwing
outta the room and decided to "run some tests" on us.
AGENT RABBIT: Lucky thought that meant more probes... you shoulda seen
'im, running, screaming, holding his hands over his--
AGENT PIQUEL: --BUT none of that's *important* right now, *IS IT?*
AGENT RABBIT: He was *so* scared! It turns out they just wanted ta
give us some tests-- y'know, like a quiz an' stuff...
AGENT PIQUEL: For over an hour we sat in this lame-o schoolroom-type
desks with number 2 pencils and bubble sheets tryin' to
answer questions like "if starship A leaves the Alpha
Quadrant at noon and Starship B leaves the Delta Quadrant
at 6 PM, where is the Ferengi Homeworld?"
AGENT RABBIT: And they kept askin' me to write somethin' down called my
"name". That was a toughie.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: It looks like the aliens may have been trying to test the
intellectual capabilities of mankind! I hope you didn't
give them too much information about our true
intelligence--
*** All officers are looking at Agents Piquel and Fallapart ***
AGENT RABBIT: Don't worry-- we both failed.
AGENT PIQUEL: (muttering) *Fallapart*... erm, well, sir, at least my
score, was uh, higher than his, sir.
AGENT RABBIT: Is that why the Head Alien gave you the "dance", err,
"dounce", uhm, "d--
AGENT PIQUEL: "DUNCE!" "DUNCE!" The alien leader gave me the "DUNCE"
cap!!
*** Racuous laughter from other officials ***
AGENT RABBIT: Oh, okay...
AGENT PIQUEL: It was all part of my clever, *master* plot to convince
the aliens that we weren't a threat to them, and that
they should let us go.
*** Understanding nods from the audience ***
AGENT PIQUEL: It was working, too-- we had them convinced that we were
*so* stupid that even talking to us was lowering their
IQ!
AGENT RABBIT: For some reason we didn't have to try very hard.
AGENT PIQUEL: The aliens were willing to let everyone go... except for
me.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Why their interest in you?
AGENT PIQUEL: Well, sir... they, uhhh... they wanted me to be their
"fat farm".
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Their *what*?
AGENT PIQUEL: Don't ask me, sir. All I know is, they wanted lots of
ammonia, and lots of fat-- *my* fat.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: But didn't they already *take* all your fat?
AGENT PIQUEL: I tried to explain to them that it took *years* for me to
achieve my... erm, stature, but they thought I was
stalling-- going back on the deal.
AGENT RABBIT: Then I said they should try taking some of Flaps' fat. I
was only kiddin', but *whoa*, lights went off in their
eyes!
AGENT PIQUEL: Yeah! While they were busy chasing Flaps around the ship,
Fallapart got outta his ropes by breaking off his arms
and puttin' em back on, and then he let me go. We
vamoosed and tried to find Bonkers and Darkwing.
AGENT RABBIT: It was horrible what they were doin' ta Bonkers.
AGENT PIQUEL: When we found him, the little guy was running on a
treadmill, doin' his best to grab a fake Pen which
was dangling in front of him on a string.
AGENT RABBIT: The aliens were, like, tryin' to charge up their
zapper beams or something.
AGENT PIQUEL: Only, as we found out after a second, the Pen was
real.
AGENT RABBIT: They were gonna give it to him as a reward for the
juice he made running on da treadmill.
AGENT PIQUEL: No, that was the *lie* they told him to get him on
the treadmill!
AGENT RABBIT: I thought the lollipop-sucking man was the liar.
AGENT PIQUEL: He was!
AGENT RABBIT: But what about the Black Ops guys?
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: I seem to have missed something, gentlemen. Could you
please back up a bit-- from the time Bonkers was on the
treadmill...
AGENT PIQUEL: The aliens told Bonkers that he could have the pen in
exchange for making them some electricity. Bonkers ran
on the treadmill. When he was done, The aliens said they
had changed their minds, and were going to use his
energy to get home, and the Pen to make themselves new
Toons. Bonkers went for the Pen, but Flaps ran in,
followed by about a dozen aliens with cutlery, and *he*
grabbed the Pen!
AGENT RABBIT: Then Lucky did sumthin' brave.
AGENT PIQUEL: Heh-heh. Well, I jumped up in the air (something I'd
never done before 'cuz o' my... stature), and I *grabbed*
the Pen from Flaps!
AGENT RABBIT: Then *he* showed up.
AGENT PIQUEL: All of a sudden, outta *nowhere*, this *guy* shows up in
a really stiff suit that just *screams* government.
AGENT RABBIT: An old, bald guy, sucking on a lollipop. It looked like
a cheap cigarette in his mouth, yeah.
AGENT PIQUEL: He goes to Bonkers, and says "The FBI'll *never* let you
use the Pen to save your girl."
AGENT RABBIT: And Bonkers listened to him! Bonkers *rushed us*!
AGENT PIQUEL: At the same time, the alien leader goes up to the
lollipop-sucking man and says "You promised us the Pen"--
and he says "I've changed the deal. Pray I don't alter it
any further."
AGENT RABBIT: Uh-huh! And Bonkers tackled Lucky, *taking the Pen from
him*!
AGENT PIQUEL: I was shocked outta my mind! Bonkers, my buddy, my
*compadre*, my *pal*, knocked me to the ground and took
the Pen from me!
AGENT RABBIT: I heard the Lollipop guy tell the alien guy how he'd
given the aliens their toons, ammonia and fat, and how
the Pen was a small price to pay. That, and the alien
ray-o-zap guns.
AGENT PIQUEL: So anyway, there was Bonkers, sitting on the ground,
just *staring* at the Pen, all lit up by its glow. The
look on his face was so *peaceful*--
AGENT RABBIT: Until the Black Ops guys came in and *stole* the Pen from
him and handed it to the Lollipop guy!
AGENT PIQUEL: He said it was for 'safe keeping'. The guy then grabs
Bonkers, and takes him outta the saucer.
AGENT RABBIT: He knew his way around there *real* well.
AGENT PIQUEL: Yup, and he left us and Flaps staring down the gunsights
of a dozen *mean* lookin' soldiers.
AGENT RABBIT: And then Darkwing showed up, and they shot at him.
AGENT PIQUEL: Nope-- and then Darkwing showed up, and they *shot* him.
*** *** REGULATION FBI COFFEE BREAK 4 *** ***
AGENT RABBIT: Didn't hurt DW, though.
AGENT PIQUEL: Nope. There were holes in his shirt, but there was
some kinda *body armor* under it which protected him.
I think DW was wearing a bulletproof vest! The shots--
AGENT RABBIT: --just made him mad.
AGENT PIQUEL: That's what's so weird. DW started pulling off moves
like we'd seen on the TV show, and in the news, just
he was doin' it a little slower. If this was some
imposter, he sure had studied Darkwing a lot. And if
it *was* Darkwing, well, he was a little slower than
usual.
AGENT RABBIT: The soldiers didn't know what hit 'em.
AGENT PIQUEL: With DW's help, we rounded them all up. Problem was,
the aliens were holding Flaps hostage.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: What did they want?
AGENT PIQUEL: The Pen for Flaps. We told them we'd have to think about
it, so they let us off at Termite Terrace. Of course,
we weren't gonna give them the Pen for a wanted felon,
so we thought about ways to spring him from the saucer.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: You mean you put aside your quest for the Pen to help a
wanted felon?
***A bright light is flooding the room from outside. It has dissipated. ***
AGENT PIQUEL: Wha-What the heck was that?!
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: [CLASSIFIED 1], what was that?
[CLASSIFIED 1]: Sir, a gigantic explosion of some kind emanating from the
Toontown area, sir! Smaller ones have been occuring all
day!
AGENT PIQUEL: Sir, we've gotta get over there and see what's happening!
Bonkers--
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Is fighting for his life-- no, all the lives in Toontown
at this very minute because of your actions last night,
and from what I'm hearing, this one especially! You *will*
continue your report!
AGENT PIQUEL: Well, sir, yes. Whether we liked him or not, Flaps was
entitled to protection under the law. It was our *duty*
to save him.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: It was your *duty* to retrieve the Pen!
AGENT PIQUEL: With all due respect, sir-- we were retrieving the Pen
for Bonkers, and he *had* it. Well, at least his friend
had it--
AGENT RABBIT: --course, he wasn't *really* Bonkers' friend, nope.
AGENT PIQUEL: It was a little past 12:45 AM when Darkwing came by with
the Thunderquack, and we flew over the city, tracking
the Flying Saucer. That's when he told us he'd found a
map just like the one we'd used to get around Termite
Terrace.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Darkwing spoke to you?
*** Confused mumbles from the officials ***
AGENT PIQUEL: Well, no, sir-- he just showed us his map, and we
compared it to ours, and what we could remember of the
alien's map--
AGENT RABBIT: And they were the same.
AGENT PIQUEL: DW ran it through a fingerprint analyzer thing, and it
turns out the Lollipop-smoking guy had handled *both*
maps. We figured he was the one who'd *let* us find
them.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Why?
AGENT PIQUEL: It goes back to what Fallapart heard him say to the
aliens. He cut a deal with them-- Darkwing, Bonkers,
Fallapart and brain, my fat and some ammonia along
with the Pen in exchange for Ray-o-Zap guns. Later
he changed the deal so he'd get the Pen.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: But why even barter the Pen if he wanted to keep it
in the first place?
AGENT RABBIT: 'Cuz he didn't know where it was--
AGENT PIQUEL: That's right. When the Thunderquack caught up to the
UFO, its instruments picked up a really wierd scanner
beam coming out of the alien ship. They were hunting
over all of L.A. for the Pen!
AGENT RABBIT: So, the aliens could find the *pen*, which Mr. Lollipop
guy couldn't, but he could get toons and maps of Termite
Terrace, which they couldn't, so he used them to find the
Pen and then he doublecrossed them!
AGENT PIQUEL: Gosh, Fallapart, that *actually* made sense!
Congratulations!
AGENT RABBIT: Huh? Wah? I was talkin' in my sleep again.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: But why would aliens with that level of technology need
something as mundane as *building plans*? Why didn't they
just find the Pen and beam it up?
AGENT PIQUEL: Because, sir, as we were about to find out, the Pen
could only be used by a Human... at least until I
changed that.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: So they needed a *human* to find the Pen, and use it for
them.
AGENT PIQUEL: Yeah, so they worked with Lollipop Man. When the
Thunderquack got close enough to the UFO, Darkwing
rammed it, and we ended up back inside the alien control
room.
AGENT RABBIT: Somehow, Flaps had gotten a hold of the Pen!
AGENT PIQUEL: The aliens had just beamed up Lollipop Man, Bonkers,
and the Pen. Flaps must've grabbed it right after that.
AGENT RABBIT: Nobody wuz movin' cuz Flaps was makin' like he would
break the Pen, an' then Flaps tried to use it to draw
himself bigger ears!
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: What happened?
AGENT PIQUEL: Nothing! Some glittery light came outta its tip, and
there was a bar or two of sappy music, but nothing
happened.
AGENT RABBIT: I didn't know who ta feel more sorry for-- Flaps or
Bonkers.
AGENT PIQUEL: Yeah-- the little guy was completely crushed-- not hard
to understand, considerin' what he's been through in the
last coupla days.
AGENT RABBIT: Also not hard to understand considerin' Flaps broke down
cryin' and rolled right on top of him.
AGENT PIQUEL: Yeah-- ouchie to the extreme. Anyhow, Flaps throws a fit,
and hurls the Pen away. Mr. Lollipop Sucking Man grabs it,
says "you don't understand", and starts drawing with it
in the air. "Man made toons", he said, "and only Man can
make *new* toons."
AGENT RABBIT: Well, he was right...
AGENT PIQUEL: *Oh* yeah. This liquid, glittery toon ink comes flyin'
outta the Pen, accompanied by the sappiest music you
ever heard, and the guy was *creatin'* whole new toons!
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: What kind of toons?
AGENT PIQUEL: Stick figures with Uzis.
AGENT RABBIT: Ya. He was no artist, not by a long shot. Nuh-uh. But
*boy* could he draw a gun! Oh yeah!
AGENT PIQUEL: At first, Bonkers is all happy, y'know? 'Cuz the Pen
works? Then he gets this horrified look on his face--
AGENT RABBIT: An' he yells out "Yer wasting all the *Ink*!"
[CLASSIFIED MATERIAL- TOP LEVEL CLEARANCE ONLY] \\\ DECRYPTED BY RiGHT-2-KNO v2.0 by Lord Anthraxx ///
AGENT PIQUEL: But our boy Lollipop Man didn't care one bit. He just
went gung-ho, drawing soldier after soldier after
soldier, nattering on about how they were "perfect" 'cuz
"toons can't be beaten on the battlefield" by normal
human soldiers.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: So, he wanted the Pen to make an army of invincible
supersoldiers for the government, eh?
AGENT PIQUEL: We didn't *say* anything about the government, sir.
*** Murmurs from the Officials ***
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Well, you implied before that he was a Fed--
[END CLASSIFIED SEGMENT] \\\ DECRYPTION ENDS ///
AGENT PIQUEL: Anyhow, *sir*, I realized that this was my chance to
get through to Bonkers. I yelled out and told him to
get the Pen--
AGENT RABBIT: --and so Bonkers goes for it!
AGENT PIQUEL: Unfortunately, Bonk-o had it for about *five seconds*,
'cuz then Fallapart's brain--
AGENT RABBIT: Oh, the *shame of it all*-- bwahhahoooooo...
AGENT PIQUEL: Comes out of nowhere, spouting off quantum physics stuff,
*floating* in the air, and *takes* it from Bonkers,
handing it over to the aliens.
AGENT RABBIT: Then Flaps *ate him*! Boo Hoo!
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Who, Bonkers?
AGENT RABBIT: Nooo! My Brain!
AGENT PIQUEL: (mumbling) No loss there. Traitor got what he deserved.
AGENT RABBIT: No he didn't! He was just misguided, that's all!
AGENT PIQUEL: Rebellious Peanuts must *PERISH*! -Ahem- Anyway, then
the toons made by the Lollipop-sucking guy pointed all
their toony little guns at the aliens--
AGENT RABBIT: And took the Pen back again.
AGENT PIQUEL: Only this time, the guy wasn't pretending to hold it
for Bonkers. When Bonkers tried to get the Pen, he had
the toons shove Bonkers over to our side.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: What was Darkwing doing during all of this?
AGENT PIQUEL: Waiting for an opening, I guess. He showed up in a puff
of smoke, like usual, and Bushroot was at his side--
AGENT RABBIT: But the Lollipop-smoking guy made him back off.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: How?
AGENT PIQUEL: He threatened to have Flaps... erm... well, *sit on me*
if DW didn't back off. Now, remember, Flaps here weighs
about two tons!
AGENT RABBIT: About one ton less than you used to, eh, Lucky?
AGENT PIQUEL: (muttering) Ha Ha. Very funny.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: How did he get Flaps on his side?
AGENT PIQUEL: Offered him a deal. Said that the *Feds* could give Flaps
immunity if he played ball.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: He was lying, of course...
AGENT PIQUEL: *Of course*.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: And then what happened?
AGENT PIQUEL: DW backed off, got tied up and... Flaps sat on me anyway.
*** Agent Piquel rises to show his lower body in a plaster cast ***
*** Sympathetic nmurmurs from the officials ***
*** *** REGULATION FBI COFFEE BREAK 5 *** ***
AGENT RABBIT: Then things got a little screwy.
AGENT PIQUEL: Only reason I lived was 'cuz Flaps had also lost a lotta
weight thanks to the aliens. (muttering) Wonder why they
were so keen on getting fat from us?
AGENT RABBIT: The toons with guns, they all got caught by the aliens.
AGENT PIQUEL: Yeah, it was the darndest thing. Before you could blink,
the toons had surrendered.
AGENT RABBIT: The aliens said that humans couldn't be, umm... busted?
AGENT PIQUEL: *Trusted*, Fallapart, *Trusted*! So they said they'd take
the gun-toting toons for their own amusement,
thankyouverymuch, and we were all free to leave, with the
Pen ('cuz they didn't trust humans to draw with it for
them)-- all except for Lollipop Sucking Man, as he'd
betrayed them.
AGENT RABBIT: Then Lucky did something stupid.
AGENT PIQUEL: It wasn't *stupid*, it was *noble*--
AGENT RABBIT: --and stupid. He asked them to let Lollipop Sucking Man
go, so that he could face "Earth Justice".
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Good move!
AGENT PIQUEL: Yeah, well, they did, leaving Flaps tied up for our
benefit. Bonkers had the Pen, Fawn had about 22 hours
left (it was this morning, already)-- and then stuff
went straight downhill from there.
AGENT RABBIT: Incline. Totally straight Incline, yeah.
AGENT PIQUEL: Somehow, Lollipop Sucking Man got loose, and since I
was still out of it, twitching on the ground, he was
able to drag me over to his side. He put a gun to my
head.
AGENT RABBIT: He told Darkwing he "knew all his secrets" and to
stay outta it. Darkwing sunk his head and backed away.
AGENT PIQUEL: Fallapart was so agitated, he collapsed into a pile o'
parts. It was all down to Bonkers and a headless Dr.
Bushroot, who just sat on the ground, bummed.
DIRECTOR HOOTER: Well, obviously, you didn't get shot in the head.
AGENT PIQUEL: No, sir. But for a while, I thought I was a goner. The
Lollipop guy gave Bonkers a choice-- the Pen, or my
life. And for the first time *ever*, I really, *really*
thought Bonkers was gonna leave me hangin' out to dry.
He had this look in his eye, all sad like, y'know, like
Old Yeller just before-- well, he says real slow and
quiet, "Sorry, Lucky" and then loud "fer getting Ink all
over yer shirt!" Next thing you know, Bonk-man's hurling
this RAZOR sharp glove thing right at me! It was like an
Anime torture weapon or somethin'! Anyhow, it *hit* the
Pen, *cutting it* in two, and when Lollipop Man went for
the bits of the Pen (which were whirling in the air in
slow motion somehow), I cuffed him and took his gun!
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: What happened to the Pen?!
AGENT PIQUEL: Well, the Pen itself was broken in two, but the *ink*
was sorta just floating in the air, falling real slow.
A drop hit Bushroot on the, well, *head*, and almost
instantly, a tiny Bushroot-head began to spring up.
And yeah, there was sappy muzak...
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: But the *ink* man, the *ink*--!
AGENT PIQUEL: That's when I made the worst move of my career. I know
I did it for Bonkers and Fawn, but still--
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Yes?! Tell me!
AGENT PIQUEL: The Ink was movin' so slowly that I was able to get out
my ol' ballpoint, and, well, I was just tryin' to catch
a drop o' the ink for Fawn-- but all of it just *rushed*
to the Pen and filled it up-- well, halfway up. Lollipop
Man had used a lot of it.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Do you still have it?!
AGENT PIQUEL: Flaps busted outta his bonds and grabbed it from me. He
was able to give himself one BIG ear-- that's how I knew
that the old Pen must've been made special somehow to
keep toons from usin' it, cuz my Pen was usable by
anybody-- and then Negaduck shows up in a puff a' red
smoke!
AGENT RABBIT: Flaps, uhh, asked him how he found us, an' Negaduck
said he'd put a bug on him back in the Dead Sea when he'd
slapped him on the back.
AGENT PIQUEL: Negaduck took the Pen, and vanished, but not before
using it to draw a can of fungicide-- which he used to,
*ahem*, "weed out" Bushroot.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: So, that's how Negaduck came to have the Pen. I see.
And what of Bonkers and the Lollipop Sucking Man?
AGENT PIQUEL: Nobody knows where Bonkers went-- probably to the
Rubber Room. At that time, Fawn had a little more than
21 hours left. Now she has about 12.
[CLASSIFIED MATERIAL- TOP LEVEL CLEARANCE ONLY] \\\ DECRYPTED BY RiGHT-2-KNO v2.0 by Lord Anthraxx ///
AGENT RABBIT: And as for the Lollipop Man--
AGENT PIQUEL: I think you know, sir.
*** Agent Piquel has pulled a Lollipop from the trash ***
AGENT PIQUEL: Bonkers was telling the truth when he said the FBI
would never let him use the Pen on Fawn, wasn't he?
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: I don't know what you mean...
AGENT PIQUEL: Every drop of that ink was too precious, too
*irreplacable* to be used for something as peaceful
as healing toons--
AGENT RABBIT: --it was supposeta be used fer war toons, yeah.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: You two gentlemen are treading on some dangerous
territory--
AGENT PIQUEL: I think you know who owns this Lollipop, sir. I'll
bet you're the sucker who keeps Lollipop Man *in*
suckers! He was FBI, wasn't he!
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Don't *be* a sucker, Piquel. Just keep this quiet,
and we'll forget about how you fouled up our chance
to get the Pen, and sabotaged plans for the
national defense that would've put us ahead of every
other nation in the world in time for the new
millenniuum!
AGENT PIQUEL: It's too late for that, sir. I get the feeling I've
been a sucker all along. I Quit!
*** Agent Piquel has thrown down his badge ***
AGENT RABBIT: Me too!
*** Agent Piquel has thrown down his badge as well **
AGENT PIQUEL: You don't haveta do that, buddy.
AGENT RABBIT: Yeah, I do.
[END CLASSIFIED SEGMENT] \\\ DECRYPTION ENDS ///
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Very well, gentlemen, thank you for your testimony.
Special Agents Lucky M. Piquel and Fallapart Rabbit, as
a result of your gross incompetence-- incompetence which
may lead to the death of Fawn Deer-- you are hereby
dismissed from the Federal Bureau of Investigation, your
security clearances have been revoked, and you will be
escorted out of these facilities *under guard*.
LUCKY PIQUEL: Fine!
FALLAPART RABBIT: Fine!
*** [CLASSIFIED 5] has entered room. [CLASSIFIED 1,2,3 and 4] have fled. ***
[CLASSIFIED 5]: Not fine.
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Wha--? Er--
[CLASSIFIED 5]: Keep my name out of this, young insect, lest I smite
you with my five iron toes of death. You will turn
yourself in *now*, and allow these men to resume their
jobs, or--
DIRECTOR SCRAPER: Or what? You haven't been with us in a long time,
[CLASSIFIED 5]! You haven't got the pull to--
*** [CLASSIFIED 5] has pulled out a Pink lollipop and cracked it in half
with the twitch of a finger. Its bits have fallen to the ground in ominous
slow motion***
[CLASSIFIED 5]: --or I'll let you know *exactly* what happened to
Lollipop Man a few minutes before this meeting started.
*** DIRECTOR SCRAPER has left the room in a panic ***
AGENT PIQUEL: Hey, long time no see. Any word on Bonkers?
[CLASSIFIED 5]: You gentlemen *have* been out of it. Here's a videotape
of a newscast that ran five minutes ago. Watch it, and
then report to the Rubber Room. Officer Wright and the
others have gathered there to... lend moral support to
Bonkers... wherever he is.
AGENT PIQUEL: Whaddyamean, wherever he is?
AGENT RABBIT: Let's see the tape, Lucky!
[CLASSIFIED 5]: This is for the record, people.
TAPE TRANSCRIPT:
"This is Shirley Wright, with a report from Toontown,
where the morning of December 28th, 1999 has seen a
new wave of toon crime hit the streets. Super-
powered criminal toons the likes of which no one has ever
seen before are roaming the city, and the police are
powerless to prevent it.
"Moments ago, Mayor Kanifky ordered a state of emergency
for the whole city of L.A., and it looks like the
National Guard may be called in.
"Toontown is completely gone, and no one knows what's
become of the elite squad composed of Jitters A. Dog,
Roderick Lizzard, Monterey Jack, Gizmoduck, Darkwing
Duck, the Genie or their leader, toon cop Bonkers D.
Bobcat. Wherever they are, our thoughts and hopes lie
with them.
"On an unrelated note, there have been mass sightings of
aliens buzzing the town, drinking ammonia and eating
what appears to be 'fat on a stick'. More on this as
it develops--"
END TAPE TRANSCRIPT
AGENT PIQUEL: Shut that thing off! We've got to get down to the
Rubber Room!
*** [CLASSIFIED 5], Agent Piquel and Agent Fallapart have left the room ***
END TRANSCRIPT, 12:25 PM, DECEMBER 28th 1999