BONKERS!: The NEW Adventures
"Wail to the Chief"
Characters (C) WALT DISNEY STUDIOS
Original Story by SUSHIL RUDRANATH
FOR PRIVATE USE ONLY, NOT ENDORSED BY DISNEY,
DON'T SUE ME, I'M A NICE GUY.
(And I stay true to the characters!)
DISTRIBUTE FREELY SO LONG AS NO CHANGES ARE MADE AND THIS
NOTICE REMAINS INTACT
NOTE: This story takes place one week after my other,
"The Color of Funny", and it will mark the next step in
a nifty continuity similar to that of Doctor Who: The New Adventures.
TEASER
FADE IN- EST. INT. SGT. GRATING'S OFFICE
BONKERS is on GRATING'S desk, balancing several PENCILS on his nose.
GRATING
Bobcat! Will you get offa my desk!
BONKERS
But Sarge, the twenty-ninth annual
police talent show's coming up in
just two months! I need to practice!
GRATING is fuming, ready to strangulate BONKERS.
GRATING
Go practice somewhere else, you jerk!
Like Alaska!
MIRANDA comes in just in time to prevent GRATING from choking BONKERS!
MIRANDA
You guys aren't gonna believe this!
Word is Chief Kanifky's going on a
leave of absence!
GRATING
So his body's finally catching up to
his brain. So what? He's got the most
unused vacation time of any officer
on the force. He deserves a break.
MIRANDA
He's going to announce his replacement
today at roll call. We're supposed to
report to Police Headquarters.
BONKERS
I used to work there! With Lucky,
remember? In the basement?
GRATING
Pickle had the right idea. Too bad I
can't lock YOU in the basement.
GRATING rubs his chin.
Hmm. Not a bad idea.
CUT TO INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS, READY ROOM
Chief KANIFKY is at the podium, giving a speech. GRATING, MIRANDA and BONKERS
walk in from OS.
KANIFKY
Glad to see you could join us,
officers. Now, where was I?
Oh yes. My replacement. As I'm
taking this vacation to blatantly
advance my political career by
running for mayor, I've decided
to appoint a replacement who
would be tremendously popular with
that untapped voting base... the
toons.
GRATING
(sotto)
No... not gonna happen....
KANIFKY
No need to get all sentimental,
Sergeant. I am selecting junior
officer Bonkers D. Bobcat to be
my official replacement.
BONKERS jumps out of his seat and faces MIRANDA and GRATING.
BONKERS
Wow! Did you guys hear that? I'm
gonna be da CHIEF!
GRATING slaps his head and starts to cry softly. MIRANDA looks up in
a "one of those days" expressions.
SLOW FADE OUT- BONKERS OPENING THEME
ACT ONE
FADE IN- EST. INT. CHIEF KANIFKY'S OFFICE
GRATING, BONKERS and MIRANDA are standing in front of KANIFKY's desk.
GRATING
But Chief! There are officers with ten
times as much experience as Bonkers! Why
don't you select one of them?
KANIFKY
My- My decision is final, Sergeant Grating.
Bonkers will be the temporary Chief of
Police for the three weeks I'll be running
my campaign for mayor. It'll give him some
experience at running a bloated city
bureaucracy.
BONKERS
I won't let you down, Chief-o-Mine!
BONKERS does an exaggerated salute.
KANIFKY
As of right now, I'm not the Chief anymore.
(conspiratorily)
That's your job. Call me Leonard.
GRATING
(angrily)
And what am I supposed to call you?!
KANIFKY
Hopefully, Mr. Mayor in a few weeks.
KANIFKY exits OS. BONKERS has changed into a version of KANIFKY's uniform.
MIRANDA
Well, looks like I'll need a new partner for
the next two weeks... err.. sir.
BONKERS
Nonsense! You can be my assistant!
MIRANDA
Your... assistant?
BONKERS
(in a "Sheerluck Bonkers" accent which is
maintained for rest of scene)
You have done the work before, madam?
MIRANDA
Well, I was Chief Kanifky's assistant
for a while, but-
BONKERS
Then it's settled! Report to me...
Immediately, if not sooner!
MIRANDA
Right.
GRATING
(sarcastically)
And what do I do, Chief?
BONKERS
You... get promoted to Lieutenant.
MIRANDA leans over to BONKERS.
MIRANDA
BONKERS!
(whispers)
Ignoring the fact this is GRATING,
I don't think Chief Kanifky would
appreciate it if you went around
promoting everybody?!
GRATING shoves MIRANDA away.
GRATING
(suddenly pleased)
Now, now, officer Wright, uhh...
we can't interfere with our nice
new Chief, can we? Anything special
you'd like me to do, sir?
BONKERS
Why yes. Go out and get yourself a
Lieutenant's bar. Then fetch me a
glazed doughnut.
GRATING growls, then BONKERS points at his collar where the bars would go,
and GRATING smiles.
GRATING
Anything you say, sir.
CUT TO INT. WACKYTOONS STUDIOS
DUCK JONES, DARKWING DUCK, NEGADUCK and W.W. WACKY are on stage.
W.W. WACKY
I'm sorry, fellows, but Disney just
yanked your show. Welcome to repeat-land.
DARKWING DUCK
What? Canceled? Us? You've gotta be
joking? This is DARKWING DUCK you're
talking about! D.J.?
DUCK JONES
Sorry, DW. Executive Decision. It seems
it's Goofy's turn at the plate.
NEGADUCK
GOOFY?! That pathetic oldtimer? Why I
oughta rip out his lungs and use them for
fishbait! I-I...
NEGADUCK whips out his chainsaw and revs it up. DUCK JONES picks up a phone.
DUCK JONES
Uh-Oh. Security? Negs is going to have
another tantrum again.
HIDEOUS SCREAMS from the other end of the phone.
DARKWING
Don't worry, Negs. We've all got residuals
coming. Those pathetic paperpushers can't
permanently plaster our prestigous careers!
NEGADUCK
I was never a fan of intense alliteration.
NEGADUCK SLAMS DARKWING with the back end of the CHAINSAW!
NEGADUCK
Be sure to send me my residuals!
Be REAL sure.
NEGADUCK stalks OS.
CUT TO a WALL. There is an open DOORWAY, brightly lit. A MAN in a trenchcoat
is silhouetted in it. NEGADUCK walks towards him.
NEGADUCK
GET OUTTA MY WAY!
MAN
(in bad Italian accent)
Negaduck? I represent the combined
interests of an organization devoted
to the promotion of flagrantly non
legal activities in Hollywood. A local
Teamster informed me of your rather
unfortunate employment status. We could
use you.
NEGADUCK
Oh yeah? Who's we?
MAN
Step into our office.
The MAN steps out of the DOORWAY, revealing a massive STRETCH LIMO.
NEGADUCK gets in.
CUT TO INT. LIMO. THE GODFATHER is sitting at a small table, eating pasta
as NEGADUCK is shown to him.
THE GODFATHER
(standard Al Pacino)
Negaduck. I would like to offer you
membership into the Hollywood Mafioso.
You will work for me. Your criminal
talents will benefit us.
THE GODFATHER holds out a fish.
NEGADUCK
And what if I say no?
Dozens of GANGSTERS appear from nowhere with various LIGHT to HEAVY arms
all aimed at NEGADUCK.
NEGADUCK
Well, since you put it that way...
(demonic grin)
NEGADUCK produces his CHAINSAW!
CUT TO EXT. LIMO.
The MAN turns as he hears the sound of a CHAINSAW buzzing loudly and
NEGADUCK's laughter!
CUT TO 34TH PRECINCT, LOBBY.
LT. GRATING, DENNIS and STARK are watching as a bunch of GANGSTERS, followed
by THE GODFATHER walk into the LOBBY.
GRATING
Lemme get this straight, Dennis.
The Godfather and half of the West
Coast Mafia have just decided to
turn themselves in? For no reason?
DENNIS
Actually, Sarge..err.. Lieutenant,
they gave a reason. They said that
somebody muscled them out of their
territory. They're too afraid to
say anything else.
GRATING
A new head of the underworld? And I
didn't hear anything about it? This
doesn't look good. We're gonna have to
tell Chief Kanif... Bonkers.
GRATING winces as he senses the depth of the problem.
CUT TO CHIEF BONKERS' OFFICE
The OFFICE is a mess, like someone threw a large party in it. Paper is all
over the floor, drapes are torn and there are various junk food containers
everywhere, and a giant one is prominently featured on the DESK.
MIRANDA is hastily scribbling notes as BONKERS gives orders from his
sitting position, feet propped up on the desk. BONKERS speaks only in
his "Sheerluck Bonkers" voice.
BONKERS
-And furthermore, I declare that all paperwork
is bad. There shall be no more paperwork in any
precinct under my jurisdiction!
MIRANDA
(in a lifeless monotone)
And how shall I submit this order, Sir?
BONKERS
By a memo, of course.
MIRANDA
(exasperated)
Bonkers, that IS paperwork.
BONKERS
(normal voice for an instant)
Oh yeah... hmm....
(Back to Sheerluck)
Then... I delay this order! Yes, this
order has been delayed for... rethinking!
LT. GRATING walks into the office from OS.
GRATING
Uhh, Chief... we have a problem.
BONKERS
And what may that problem be, my good man?
GRATING
Well, the mafia has collapsed.
BONKERS
(normal again)
Uhh, isn't that supposed to be a
GOOD thing, Sarg...err.. Lt?
GRATING
Yeah-- except we have no idea who
collapsed it or why. The Godfather
isn't talking.
BONKERS
(Sheerluck)
Well, when in doubt, always check
an authoritative source... TV!
BONKERS digs through some of the grabage on the DESK and produces a small
TV set.
PUSH IN on the TV SCREEN as a REPORTER is interviewing KANIFKY outside
CITY HALL.
REPORTER
Candidate Kanifky, isn't it true that
you're running for mayor while on
vacation from the Hollywood Police
Dpeartment?
KANIFKY
Uhh, yes. But I had that vacation time
due me. I could have spent it fishing.
A worthwhile hobby, fishing. You get to
sit on the lake, daydreaming... no cares..
uhh... but I wanted to serve my community
by running for a high-paying elected
office!
REPORTER
I'm sure. Isn't it true that you chose
Junior Officer Bonkers D. Bobcat, often
referred to by this reporter as the
"Walking Orange Disaster", to be your
replacement when there were other, more
qualified officers waiting in line?
KANIFKY
But Bonkers is a toon, and I wanted to
demonstrate to the public, and to toons
especially, that the sky is the limit!
(And I hope the toons will remember that
when they vote in two weeks).
REPORTER
Isn't it true that after Bonkers' first day
on the job as Chief, the GODFATHER himself
and half the west coast mafioso with him
collectively surrenedered to police?
KANIFKY
I... I... haven't been back to the old
office recently-
REPORTER
Doesn't this say that if a JUNIOR OFFICER
who has spent ONE DAY on the job can get the
GODFATHER to surrender- that your 12 out of
40 years on the force as Chief were a waste?
A waste of our taxpayers dollars and of your
time? Doesn't it say that the allegations
about gross stupidity and incompetence at the
highest levels of the Hollywood PD were true?
And you want to be our MAYOR?
KANIFKY
Well I... uhh, that is, I...
PULL BACK and OUT of the TV SCREEN to NEGADUCK, who has switched it OFF.
NEGADUCK
Look at that! The mayoral campaign is in chaos, and
a rookie cop is running the show at the police
department.
NEGADUCK picks up a phone.
Hello? Party Line? Get me Bushroot, Liquidator,
Megavolt and Quacker Jack.
Guys? Listen. I've already driven the mob out of
Hollywood. Stop looking for new jobs. The
FEARSOME FIVE are back in business!
NEGADUCK pauses as he listens to some jibber on the phone.
Forget Darkwing Duck. He and his dimwit pal Launchpad
are on vacation in Hawaii right now, and the
aggravating kids are starring in cereal commercials.
LOOK! We're gonna take over this town! All we have to
do first is take down the only serious competitors
left! That's right..,
(darkly)
FLAPS and AL VERMIN and his gang...
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
FADE OUT- END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN- EST. INT. AL VERMIN'S HEADQUARTERS
AL VERMIN and his GANG are seated around a table.
AL VERMIN
What's that, Bookworm? Flaps has
suddenly left the country? Why,
heheheh.. what wonderful news.
Where has the pachyderm run off to?
BOOKWORM
The island of Bouvet', off the coast
of Africa. Very remote, and almost
no one goes there. It's not even on
most maps.
AL VERMIN
Either that bloated elephant has
learned to fly or there are some
mighty big wings on that island...
It doesn't matter! This means that
the city is ours now.
AL pauses as he notes a leak in the ceiling.
AL VERMIN
What's this? We're in the basement,
the ceiling can't be leaking!
The water drops collect on the table, and then MORPH into LIQUIDATOR!
LIQUIDATOR
Greetings, foul roach! Having trouble
with leaks in your roof? Cracks in your
organization? Seeing fleeing elephants
and you don't know why? Ask the Liquidator!
AL VERMIN
All right. I'm game. What's going on?
LIQUDATOR
There's a new game in town! Limited time
only offer! Get out of town by tonight...
or-
(darkly)
face the consequences.
AL VERMIN picks up a sponge from the background and ABSORBS LIQUIDATOR!
AL VERMIN
Or what? You drench me?
LIQUDATOR
(muffled)
Thf earshume hive.
AL SHAKES the SPONGE!
AL VERMIN
I can't hear you...
LIQUIDATOR falls onto the table and reforms into a can of BUG SPRAY!
LIQUIDATOR
Or The FEARSOME FIVE comes for you!
"They check in but they don't
check out"- get it?
AL VERMIN
(mock gravity)
Please. Save us. Don't hurt me!
LIQUIDATOR MORPHS into a MALLET and SMASHES AL VERMIN FLAT!
AL VERMIN
Owwww.....
LIQUIDATOR
Meet Negaduck at the Hollywood
WaterWorks Tonight. Don't be late.
It's fun for the entire gang!
LIQUIDATOR oozes out under a door.
AL VERMIN
I hate to do this. I really do.
Bookworm! Give me the phone!
BOOKWORM hands AL a PHONE.
Hello? Hollywood Police? This is
an... anonymous caller.
SPLIT SCREEN TO OFFICER STARK
STARK
You sound familiar. Don't I know
you?
AL VERMIN
Nono... They say I sound like that
wonderful bug Al Vermin, but I'm
nothing like him... anyway, I want
to speak to Bonkers D. Bobcat.
STARK
The Chief is busy restructuring the
department right now, sir. Can I
help you?
DENNIS walks in from OS with a BOX.
DENNIS
Hey, K-O, I got the arcade machine Bonkers
sent over for our precinct.
STARK
Hey Hey, All right! Better than that silly
dartboard we used to use on our breaks.
AL VERMIN
I need some help here? This is a matter of
the utmost importance!
DENNIS
Bonkers also said he'd have a doughnut man
assigned to each station! Say, are you
talking to AL VERMIN on the phone?
STARK
Says he wants to talk to Bonkers.
DENNIS
Put him through. Bonkers is... relaxing right
now.
STARK
Gotcha.
CUT TO INT. CHIEF BONKERS' OFFICE.
It is nighttime as can be seen through the windows. MIRANDA is sitting on the
sofa next to the far wall, trying to figure out something on a paper. BONKERS
is playing a video game.
MIRANDA
Bonkers, don't you think you're
letting this Chief thing go to
your head a little? I mean, 100
new squadcars? From Germany?
BONKERS
(sheerluck voice)
My dear, faster cars will catch
faster criminals. Elementary
deduction.
MIRANDA
And how are you going to pay for
all this?
BONKERS
You'd be amazed what you can do
with taxpayer dollars. Ahh, yes.
I figured out how to spread the
word about the paperwork ban. I
want you to personally go to each
precinct and inform them yourself.
MIRANDA
(restrained anger)
Bonkers, you're pushing it.
BONKERS
Now, Officer! Make it so! Do it!
Henceforth, all paperwork will
be disposed of! There will be no more
reports!
Burn all the ledgers!
MIRANDA
Henceforth- I quit!
MIRANDA stalks out the door and OS.
BONKERS
(normal, agitated)
Waitasec... Miranda? I didn't mean-
BONKERS turns his attention to the trash on the desk and rummages around in
it, eventually producing a phone. He will continue to use his normal voice
from now on. He picks up the reciever
BONKERS
Hi, umm... I can't talk right now.
What? Al Vermin? But Miranda just-
All right, Allright already! Umm,
Stark, can you just phone all the
other precincts and tell them that
Henceforth all paperwork...
SPLITSCREEN TO AL VERMIN'S OFFICE
AL VERMIN
Finally! Bobcat, I need your he-elp...
BONKERS
Whaddya want from me, you... you.. roach?
AL VERMIN
The Fearsome Five are taking over the
city! They want to meet with me and my
gang tonight! I want police protection!
BONKERS
Uhh... okay! When and where?
PUSH IN on AL VERMIN's FLOOR, Where a DAISY has pushed up through a crack
in the wood. FOLLOW the DAISY as it pulls into the floorboards and out into
the LAWN behind AL VERMIN's HIDEOUT, where BUSHROOT is listening to it.
BUSHROOT
Police protection, huh? Oh my. I'd
better tell Negaduck! Thanks, my
flowery friend!
CUT TO INT. NEGADUCK'S HIDEOUT
The HIDEOUT is a dark, musty place full of spiders and cobwebs.
NEGADUCK
Quackerjack! Megavolt!
Bushroot just told me that Al
Vermin's squealed to the police
and wants protection from us.
MEGAVOLT
NO! NOT THE POLICE! HOW COULD
THIS HAPPEN!
QUACKER JACK
Hee Hee! Looks like Al Vermin's
more afraid of us than you thought,
eh boss?
NEGADUCK
The rambunctious roach is playing right
into my hands. I love it!
MEGAVOLT
BUT THE POLICE!
NEGADUCK
WILL YOU STOP YELLING! I _want_ the
police to show up!
MEGAVOLT/QUACKERJACK
You DO?!
NEGADUCK
Of course, you simpletons! It's all
part of my masterplan! With the Mafia
in jail, Flaps on an island, Al Vermin
quaking his antennae and a rookie toon
cop running the show, I can take it all
over in three minutes!
QUACKERJACK
Hear that, Mr. Bananna Brain? Three minutes!
A new world's record!
NEGADUCK
Would you expect less from me, the master of
maniacally malevolent machinations?
MEGAVOLT
I thought you hated intense alliteration.
NEGADUCK
Shaddup! Besides, this toon cop has a weakness.
NEGADUCK pulls out a film-style BONKERS doll.
He used to be an actor. A good one. And he was fired
from Wackytoons... just like us. This is his achille's
heel.
MEGAVOLT
I thought his achilles heel was in the foot.
NEGADUCK
BE QUIET! Now, what are we gonna do to "Chief"
Bonkers D. Bobcat?
MEGAVOLT
We're gonna fry him!
MEGAVOLT blasts the doll and blackens it.
QUACKER JACK
We're gonna CHEW HIM UP!
Q.J. lets one of his SNAPPING TEETH chew the singed doll to bits.
BUSHROOT and LIQUIDATOR come in from OS.
LIQUIDATOR
We'll clean his clock!
LIQUIDATOR soaks the reamins until they are a soggy mess.
BUSHROOT
And then he'll be fertilizer!
BUSHROOT grows a small plant from inside the doll.
NEGADUCK
HehehehahahaHAHAHAHAHA!
NEGADUCK chops the doll in half.
PUSH IN on the DOLL and FADE OUT SLOWLY AS WE
END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
FADE IN LT. GRATING's OFFICE
GRATING is on the phone with BONKERS.
GRATING
Am I hearing you right, Bobca- err,
sir? You want me to assign my men
to police protection for AL VERMIN?
That roach oughta be behind BARS,
not escorted around by Hollywood's
finest! And what's this about Wright
quitting-
BONKERS
Look, I don't have time to explain!
The Fearsome Five are the ones who
took out the mob, and they want to
take out Al Vermin too! We have to
stop them!
GRATING
Look, BOBCAT. I watched you run this
department into the ground. I've got
officers playing Nintendo, no crime
files anymore, doughnuts everywhere
and all my Squad Cars have steering
wheels on the right! I'm not gonna
play around anymore! Chief Kanifky
may have been a little lightheaded,
but he never led us on wild TOON
chases?
GRATING pauses.
FORGET ABOUT LAST WEEK! Ok, so he
did- that's not the point. I'm not
risking my men to protect that
criminal.
CUT TO BONKERS
BONKERS
Fine then, SARGE! Be that way!
BONKERS holds up the phone as he hears the dialtone.
BONKERS
(sotto)
I don't think this authority-thing
really works good with me.
BONKERS gets up and throws off his Chief's uniform, replacing it with
his old one. He walks out the door.
BONKERS
I'm a beat cop, not a Chief! I've got work to do!
MIRANDA appears from behind her old desk outside the Chief's office.
MIRANDA
Ahem.
BONKERS
(joyful)
MIRANDA! I thought you quit!
MIRANDA
Just waiting for you to come to your senses,
partner. Besides... how could I quit? There's
no paperwork left, remember?
BONKERS
Thanks for sticking around, Miranda.
We gotta get to Al Vermin! The Fearsome Five
are tryin' to take over the city, and he
can lead us to them!
MIRANDA
Where were you supposed to meet Vermin?
BONKERS
(grins)
Where else?
CUT TO INT. RUBBER ROOM.
There is a new JUICE BAR on the right side of the floor. BONKERS and MIRANDA
walk up to it and take seats.
MIRANDA
Some water, please.
BULLFINCH goes under the counter and produces a BOTTLE of water.
BONKERS
Bullfinch! A Bananna Fizzy, please!
BULLFINCH
Can't do it, Bonkers.
BONKERS
Why not?
BULLFINCH
All the banannas are gone. Mr. Quackerjack
told us that if we didn't stop harming Mr.
Bananna Brain's relatives, he'd get the
Syndicate to shut us down.
BONKERS
The Syndicate?
The LIGHTS in the RUBBER room shut off. BULLFINCH pulls out a candle and
lights it on the counter.
BULLFINCH
The new name for the Fearsome Five.
Mr. Megavolt also told us that we had to
stop imprisioning the harmelss light bulbs.
MIRANDA takes a swig from the BOTTLE of water. She contorts her face.
MIRANDA
Yech! This bottled water tastes horrible!
BULLFINCH
Sorry. We have to stock Liquidator brand
water. And Mr. Bushroot wants us to add
an arboretum to the place.
BONKERS
This is crazy! The Syndicate's got
their hands in everything!
AL VERMIN sneaks in from OS
AL VERMIN
Bobcat? Is this my police protection?
You can't be serious.
MIRANDA
Be glad we're not hauling you off to
jail like we should.
AL VERMIN
Oh, I'm so grateful. I'd be safer there
than having to face the Fearsome Five,
or whatever they call themselves now.
MIRANDA
That can be arranged.
AL VERMIN
Enough joking around. Negaduck wants me
to meet him with my gang at the Hollywood
Water Works in one hour.
BONKERS
Then that's what we're gonna do!
CUT TO INT. SGT. GRATING'S OFFICE
GRATING
No way, Bobcat! No how. This has
got to be the stupidest idea you have
ever come up with.
BONKERS
Do it and... I'll make you chief instead
of me.
GRATING
Me? Chief? I guess I can play along with
your dumb, err... zany idea for a little
while.
GRATING punches the INTERCOM.
Dennis? Stark? Get in here. We're gonna
be playing dress up for Bonkers. Again.
CUT TO EXT. HOLLYWOOD WATER WORKS- NIGHT
There is a full moon. SGT. GRATING, DENNIS and STARK are dressed up like
AL VERMIN's henchmen in ill-fitting costumes. AL VERMIN is nervously leading
them into the WATER WORKS building. BONKERS and MIRANDA are following close
behind.
MIRANDA
(whispering)
Bonkers? Are you sure we can stop the
Syndicate?
BONKERS
(whispering)
I think so. I tried calling Fenton
Crackshell, y'know- Gizmoduck? But
turns out the Gizmosuit's broken.
MIRANDA
How come?
BONKERS
He went to too many kid's parties.
They wrecked it. And since he was
only a minor character on Darkwing
Duck, and DuckTales has been off the
air for years, nobody would pay to fix
it. I've got Professor Von Drake
working on it.
MIRANDA
Von Drake? Bonkers, he-
The darkened water works suddenly LIGHT up!
NEGADUCK (VO)
Welcome, Alouicious Vermin the Third.
Welcome to the Syndicate. Your police
protection get here all right?
AL VERMIN
Somebody in my gang's a squealer!
NEGADUCK(VO)
Aww, gee... that's too bad. Now see,
if you were part of the Syndicate, you
wouldn't have that problem. Nobody
squeals on the Syndicate.
AL VERMIN
W-Where are you? I'd like to sign up!
NEGADUCK(VO)
It's too late for that, Al. See, you
and your gang, and Chief Bonkers,
wherever he is- you're all just in the
way... so I'm rubbin' you out! BEHOLD!
A Wall FALLS down! A giant marble about 20 feet high stands before AL and
the costumed cops. NEGADUCK is on the marble. GRATING draws his gun.
GRATING
Alright, Duck! Hold it right there!
NEGADUCK
That's exactly what I'm doing, officer.
Behold the GREAT MASHER!
STARK
The Great Masher?
NEGADUCK
Hey! You try thinking of a good name for a
20 foot tall marble! When I jump off this
marble, it'll start rolling down the hallway,
crushing you all into pate'.
GRATING
I think we better back off, people.
NEGADUCK
I don't think so. Bushroot!
BUSHROOT
Surround them, my pretties! HAHAHAHAAHA!
Large VINES snake out from OS and tie up DENNIS, STARK, GRATING and AL VERMIN.
BONKERS and MIRANDA are crouched down at the far end of the hallway.
PUSH IN on BONKERS
BONKERS
Oh no! They're gonna MASH the Sarge!
We haveta do something, Miranda!
MIRANDA
I know, but what?
BONKERS
Of course! I know the Syndicate's weakness...
MIRANDA
What is it?
BONKERS
I'll show ya. Be right back.
Gotta see a man about a bill.
MIRANDA
This is no time to take care of
Your finances!
CUT TO NEGADUCK
NEGADUCK
Bye-Bye, losers!
NEGADUCK jumps off the marble. It does not move.
Megavolt! Quacker Jack! Bushroot!
Liquidator! Push that marble!
Crush those cops and that bug!
MEGAVOLT
No way.
QUACKER JACK
Forget it.
BUSHROOT
We're on Strike.
LIQUIDATOR
4 out of 5 Syndicate members say
they want a bigger cut of the take!
NEGADUCK
Oh. I see. Well...
1 out of 1 Negaducks says if the
Syndicate members don't push that
marble RIGHT NOW, there won't BE
4 out of 5 Syndicate Members!
MEGAVOLT
Uh.. right! Push the Marble!
BUSHROOT
Getting to the Marble now, sir!
QUACKERJACK
Hoo Hoo! I love pushing marbles!
LIQUIDATOR
Hurry, Hurry! Those Marbles are
moving fast!
PUSH IN on GRATING's face, which is sweating. Behind him, DENNIS and STARK
are subtly cutting the vines that are binding them in place.
ZIP PAN to hallway, where BONKERS is in whiteface, wearing a DARKWING DUCK
costume and a duck-beak attached to his face via a string. He does a passable
imitation of Darkwing.
BONKERS
I am the terror that flaps in the night!
I am the shoelace that makes you trip and fall!
I am... DARKWING DUCK!
All the Syndicate members except for NEGADUCK run and cower in a corner.
NEGADUCK and BONKERS walk towards one another.
NEGADUCK
Forget your gas gun, DARKWING?
BONKERS
Uhh... they uhh... recycled it.
NEGADUCK
And I guess your beak was recycled
too, huh, BOBCAT?
NEGADUCK pulls the fake bill and snaps it back onto BONKERS' face, causing
the bobcat to stagger backwards. BONKERS sheds the disguise.
BONKERS
You evil, dispicable thug!
NEGADUCK
(soothingly)
You misunderstand me. I'm not really
an evil, dispicable thug. Just an
out of work actor like you...
BONKERS' expression softens slightly.
...WHO HAPPENS TO BE AN UNBELIEVEABLY
HEINOUS SUPERVILLAN WITH A REALLY
BAD TEMPER AND A CHAINSAW TO MATCH-
UNLIKE YOU!
BONKERS backs away in fear.
NEGADUCK
SYNDICATE! Waste the toon cop.
SGT. GRATING and the others have by this time snuck back to MIRANDA's
hiding spot.
MIRANDA
Sarge, you can't let them get
Bonkers!
GRATING grumbles.
GRATING
Yeah, yeah.. but what're we
gonna do about it?
MIRANDA
Well, from what Bullfinch was
telling me at the Rubber Room,
it seems like each member of the
Syndicate has a neurosis of some
kind.
GRATING
I see what you're sayin... Get
back to a squad car and drive
over to Wackytoons. I'll bet
they have character profiles on these
goons. Take Dennis and Stark.
I'll try to stall 'em.
MIRANDA
Right, Sarge. But We'll have to walk.
Remember, Bonkers replaced all
our squadcars with German... things.
GRATING
(sotto)
Don't remind me.
I can't believe I'm doing this...
actually, I know just what to do...
(evil grin)
GRATING walks out to the center of the hall, where BONKERS is being held
next to the GREAT MASHER. MIRANDA, DENNIS and STARK leave the building.
NEGADUCK
We're gonna crush you so flat
they'll need a pickaxe to
seperate you from the concrete!
BONKERS
Swell.
GRATING
HOLD IT, DUCK! SGT. GRATING,
HOLLYWOOD P.D.!
NEGADUCK
That's NEGADUCK! And whaddya
want? Can't you see I'm trying
to kill someone here?
GRATING
Yeah. Like an amateur.
NEGADUCK
Whaddya mean, amateur?
GRATING
When you've been a cop as long
as I have, you get to see all the
weird ways to get someone. You're
just crushin' him. Very blase'.
NEGADUCK
Oh yeah!? What would YOU suggest,
Mr. Cop?
GRATING smiles, obviously enjoying this line of thought.
GRATING
Well, your psychos over there could
do something original to him... like,
what if that maniac with the plants,
I dunno... strangulated him while that
guy with the toy teeth used them to uh...
pinch him really hard on the limbs?
NEGADUCK
Yeah... YEAH! And Liquidator could slowly
surroound him with deadly liquid, threatening
to drown him at any second... and Megavolt would
then give the bobcat ELECTROSHOCK therapy!
GRATING
And then you could boil him in oil!
BONKERS
Umm, Sarge? Aren't you supposed to be on my
side?
NEGADUCK
SYNDICATE! Do what that guy was saying...
and yeah, aren't you supposed to be on his
side, SARGE?
GRATING
I never really liked the toon anyway.
GRATING winces as he sees QuackerJack's toys latch on to BONKERS.
NEGADUCK
Maybe... but I don't trust you, so while
the boys there play with Bonkers, I'll
be a-fixin' to boil YOU in oil!
NEGADUCK GRABS GRATING and starts to rig up a VAT OF BOILING OIL!
CUT TO EXT. WACKYTOONS STUDIO
MIRANDA
These scripts were very helpful.
Dennis, Stark, we need to go to
the hardware store, the grocery store,
the toy store, the army surplus store and...
the local PBS Afilliate.
DENNIS
Why, Miranda?
MIRANDA
Trust me. We just have to get this stuff
together fast!
CUT TO INT. HOLLYWOOD WATER WORKS
LIQUIDATOR
Career got you down?
Want a little action, a little
heat? Then come on down to
Liquidator's Pot O Boiling OIL!
GRATING
Will you shut up already? Why
don't you just go back to acting
where you belong?!
NEGADUCK
'Cuz Crime pays so much better,
SARGE. Ya set yer own hours, ya
work when you want to, ahh, the
life of a crime kingpin. No
worrying about pink pages and
yellow pages....
GRATING
When I get outta this, you're
gonna do 10 to 20... thousand,
DUCK!
NEGADUCK
What makes you think you're
gonna stop me? Your toon pal
over there is soggy, numb
everywhere, and I think I saw
his IQ drop ten points!
GRATING
You... psychotic lunatic!
NEGADUCK
Flattery will get you nowhere.
ZIP PAN TO MIRANDA, DENNIS AND STARK, who have entered with a large crate.
MIRANDA
It's all over, Negaduck!
DENNIS and STARK rush in, fetching BONKERS and bringing him over to their
side.
NEGADUCK
And what are you gonna do,
little Miss Sunshine?
SYNDICATE! ATTACK!
MIRANDA pulls out a light bulb from the CRATE. It GLINTS in the light.
MEGAVOLT
NO! An oppressed Light bulb!
Set it FREE, you... you...
evil person!
MIRANDA
Sure.
MIRANDA drops the bulb. It shatters.
MEGAVOLT
NOOOO! You'll pay for that!
DENNIS quickly pulls out a bottle of EVIAN water and takes a swig.
DENNIS
Gotta love that Evian water.
LIQUIDATOR GROWLS and LEAPS for DENNIS just as MIRANDA steps out of the way
so that MEGAVOLT'S energy beam SIZZLES LIQUIDATOR, who becomes WATER VAPOR!
DENNIS
Backwards it spells NAIVE.
DENNIS empties the bottle and uses it to capture LIQUIDATOR.
BONKERS shakes himself dry and rummages in the box, producing a BULB.
BONKERS
Ooh. Another Lightbulb.
Sixty watt. Shall I break it?
MEGAVOLT
Why, you!
MEGAVOLT fires at BONKERS, who steps aside to reveal a giant-
BONKERS
Did I forget to mention this
3,000 volt Capacitor?
MEGAVOLT
NOOO! You'r..e... draaaaiiinnnnninnnngggg mmmmyyyy
chhhhaaaaaarrrrgggggggeeee......
MEGAVOLT flops down. STARK cuffs him.
BUSHROOT
You won't fool me with those childish
tricks! My vines will crush you!
MIRANDA
Here ya go, vines! Have some nice fertilizer!
The VINES rush for the fertilizer.
BONKERS
(Darth Vader Voice)
They serve the Dark Side now.
(normal)
Of course, it's not so dark, really-
in fact, it's positively bright.
Like this 3,000 watt bulb I charged
with Megavolt's power.
BONKERS holds up the bulb.
BUSHROOT
Fool! Plants like sunlight!
BONKERS
Are you a cactus?
BUSHROOT
Heheh. No. I'm much too temperate for that.
BONKERS
Then you should know... a 3,000 watt bulb
puts out a lot of heat...
BUSHROOT
Uh Oh.
BUSHROOT starts to wither.
BUSHROOT
Must... get... water...
DENNIS
Look! I have a bottle right here!
DENNIS opens the bottle with LIQUIDATOR inside. BUSHROOT LEAPS for it, only
to be trapped inside as DENNIS closes the bottle.
BUSHROOT
(muffled)
Fool! Plants love water!
BONKERS
Ever hear of overwatering?
BUSHROOT screams as the bottle is set down.
QUACKERJACK
My mechanical teeth were cops once,
you know, that episode where we
took over St. Canard. I guess this
time they'll really take a bite
outta.. you!
MIRANDA
Y'know, it was the funniest thing-
we passed by the toy store, and I
just had to pick one of these up...
MIRANDA tosses something to BONKERS.
BONKERS
Oh yeah.., the official Bonkers
Music Box imported from Tokyo...
used one of these to catch Z-Bot...
the only toy listed deadlier than yours.
QUACKER JACK
Na-uh... my toys are deadlier than yours!
BONKERS
Oh yeah?
BONKERS opens up the MUSIC BOX.
MUSIC BOX
Tateetotututu.
QUACKER JACK
Ack... that wasn't..gasp...so... bad.
BONKERS opens the box up again.
MUSIC BOX
Tateetotututu.
QUACKER JACK is on his knees. BONKERS opens it again.
MUSIC BOX
Tateetotututu.
QUACKER JACK weakly lifts up MR. BANANNA BRAIN.
MR. BANANNA BRAIN
Ok! OK! We give up! Stop the hideous sound!
BONKERS
Book 'em, Den-o!
DENNIS cuffs QUACKER JACK and puts him with the others.
NEGADUCK
You all seem to forget, I'm
about to make your pal the
SARGE here into Policeman
FONDUE!
MIRANDA
Bonkers... I brought something
that just might stop Negaduck.
BONKERS
It would have to be pretty
powerful.
MIRANDA shows BONKERS a small videotape.
BONKERS
Ouch. Lemme cue this up.
NEGADUCK
Ha!! No MERE videotape can stop me!
BONKERS
(Sheerluck Bonkers Voice)
Oh yes? I deduce that your thoroughly
evil mind is incapable of withstanding
the intense mental pressure of the
caliber contained on this tape in my
hand here...
GRATING
BOBCAT! Will you hurry it up? My shoes
are fryin' here!
BONKERS
But of course. Observe, Negaduck.
PUSH IN ON the TV SCREEN. A PURPLE DINOSAUR is SINGING.
BARNEY
I love you, you love me...
we're a happy family...
NEGADUCK
NO! NOT HIM! ARRAGH! He's PLUSH, and
PLUMP, and -ick- CUDDLY! I CAN'T TAKE
IT! NO!!!!!!
NEGADUCK uses his BAZOOKA to blast a hole in the wall.
NEGADUCK
I'll be back, Bobcat! Someday, I'm
gonna run this town! The Sydnicate,
and especially me, NEGADUCK, will
prevail!
MIRANDA
Is that supposed to be a threat?
NEGADUCK
Consider it... a promise.
NEGADUCK dissappears into the night.
BONKERS
Ooh... a hint of foreshadowed evil.
MIRANDA
You said it, partner.
GRATING
Will somebody get me DOWN from here?!
BONKERS
Oh yeah. Whatever happened to Al Vermin?
As DENNIS cuts down GRATING, STARK escorts MEGAVOLT, QUACKERJACK and the
BOTTLE outside.
CUT TO INT. CHIEF KANIFKY'S OFFICE
KANIFKY
Well, Bonkers, I restore you to your
previous rank and position. I'm sorry
I had to cut short my campaign...err,
vacation, but the press was just too
much! Demanding Qualifications... can
you believe it? Anyway, I had to undo
most of the changes you did, son...
they were just too radical.
BONKERS
(in '60's hippie outfit)
Gotcha, Chief-dude.
KANIFKY
(conspiratorially)
But I did keep those arcade machines.
Wonderful things! Much better than the
old dartboards we used to use when I was
a rookie.
MIRANDA
Any news on Negaduck?
KANIFKY
No, I'm afraid. The Mafia won't touch
Hollywood with a ten foot pole now, and
Al Vermin is officially missing. Something
bad may have started here. But on the good
side, pizza's back down to 75 cents a slice!
KANIFKY presses his intercom button.
Sgt. Grating? Please come in.
GRATING
Yes sir?
KANIFKY
As you know, you were given command of the
34th Precinct while they finished moving the
overcrowded officers from this building,
Police Headquarters, to that one.
GRATING
That was the deal.
KANIFKY
Well, sergeant, you'll be glad to know the
move is complete. There will be 20 new
officers at the 34th tommorow morning. And
command is being handed over to the new,
permanent head of the 34th tommorow at Roll
Call.
BONKERS and MIRANDA exchange startled glances. GRATING's head lowers.
GRATING
Who's it going to be?
KANIFKY
Captain Eric Skewer. A real Hard-nosed veteran
cop. 25 years on the force, highly experienced.
Don't feel so bad, Sergeant. You and I both
knew it was highly unusual for a Sergeant to
run a precinct as large as the 34th for so long.
Bobcat, Wright, Dennis and Stark will still be
in your division, however. So cheer up, man!
BONKERS puts his arm around GRATING's.
BONKERS
At least we'll still be together!
GRATING
Swell. Excuse me. I have paperwork
to retype.
BONKERS
I thought I banned that.
GRATING slowly walks OS, growling rather loudly.
IRIS OUT
THE END