Roger is a great big stud
that hangs around in boats.
He coaches big strong women
and keeps them all afloat.
One day when he was yelling
across the morning fog,
his breath came out as perfume
but sounding like a dog.
Then hair began a formin'
upon his little head
his teeth grew long and slimy
as "Bark" was all he said.
His women did not notice
their coach was now a mutt.
The girls just kept on rowing
so they would not be cut.
After that morning's practice,
the coxswain reached the dock,
they couldn't see old Roger
but just a floating sock.
And next up swam his t-shirt,
his undershorts and hat.
Then, sign of true disaster,
the thing on which he sat.
Then like out of nowhere
came a fuzzy chocolate lab
with a stroke watch in his mouth
and something called a crab.
They took him to the kennel
and gave him a big bone.
Then with a wet sloppy kiss
they left him there alone.
Until suddenly a vet,
came skipping down the halls
with a large, sharp, shiny knife
to cut off Roger's balls.
Then Roger screamed and hollered
into the doggy cup
his alarm began ringin'
and Roger woke on up.
He left to go to practice,
the fog was on the lake.
He tried to scream and holler
"Bark" was all he could make.

Copyright © 1994 Tracy Peters