Monosyllabic Ejaculations

And What To Do About Them

The perversion of ``Ugh!''

To me, our wanton misuse of the ejaculation ``Ugh!'' is most distressing. Only yesterday I was profoundly shocked to hear it from the lips of a seemingly intelligent steeplejack's wife as she watched her husband fall off his steeple. I consider that inexcusable. Properly used, ``Ugh!'' should only be ejaculated by little girls of seven to express their contempt for brewery wagons. The more I think of that steeplejack's wife, the madder I get.

Coaching a Deb ``A debutant's success,'' says Prof. Schnittknecht, the Grammarian, ``Depends largely upon her proper use of words-especally those sticklers, humph! and faugh! If a boorish chap brings two dead fish, you must actually be haught. `Faugh!' is the term for two dead fish. Keep those words straight in your pretty little head and you will go a long way socially.

A Costly Grammatical Error The worst blunder I ever made was in Buckingham Palace, where for three months I had passed myself off as the Prince of Wales. I had fooled the King, but the Queen was a wee mite suspicious, so one afternoon she had me beaned with a pot of geraniums. ``OOP!'' I ejaculated, and the cat was out of the bag! (If you examine the accompanying chart, you will see that ``OOP!'' is only used when a gentleman is beaned with a Listerine phial.) Exposed by my ignorance of the King's English, I was exiled, and the true Prince of Wales, whom I had hidden, was returned to his rightful estate.

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