[We strongly recommend that our readers consider the serious points made by the following authors in terms of raising sexually healthy children and what the practical danger is to children's health by the tradition of religious repression of sexuality and the modern political threat being mounted by the Religious Right. For a specifically Christian approach to these issues, we recommend Bill Paris special report, The Cult of Childhood and the Repression of Childhood Sexuality. This report is available in print from Liberated Christians and is on our web sitehis article. You may reach us at our snail and e-mail addresses on the masthead of this newsletter and Randal at: Blckburn@gte.net We would appreciate copies of your notes to Randal.] TEEN SEX IS NOT A CATASTROPHE BUT A GLOBAL FAMILY PROBLEM by Doug Couch I appreciate Victoria Weinstein's article in November/December (1995) "World" magazine, "Not for God's Sake: Secularizing Teen Abstinence," where she voiced much clear thinking about the Southern Baptist Convention's "True Love Waits" campaign. I would like to carry the banner a few steps further. It is very often the case that teenagers like sexual foreplay and intercourse. Oddly enough, they are rarely prepared mentally, emotionally or financially for the wonderful blessings that arise along with their pubescent rejoicing. When so-called lesser species all over the planet are capable of preparing their young for a much more rigorous survival strategy and environment, it becomes at least plausible that something unnatural is intervening or preventing teenagers from arriving at the necessary maturity. It would seem there are a number of things we could do to help our children reach a natural maturity. The first thing we can do: REALIZE THAT THERE IS A NEED TO FAVOR NATURE'S COURSE OVER OUR TRADITIONS We speak highly of nature, then denounce what humankind does, as less than that universal standard. We often fail to notice that we are part of nature's rhythm. We could benefit by objectively observing what other species do. It is not that we should necessarily do as the birds or foxes, for we are human; but we should observe their lack of concern about sexual morals or whether anyone is observing their sexual acts. We should notice their trust that tomorrow will feed them and continue their lives and the lives of their offspring. Morals, specifically sexual taboos and guidelines, have been set up to habitualize and even coerce certain sexual patterns: Grow up; then have sex. Be in love; then have sex. Obtain partner commitment; then have sex. Get married; then have sex. Promulgating these notions continues the attempts to adapt natural human sexual behavior to fit the lifestyle patterns that (western) society has chosen to follow. Apparently, we do this out of fear, without regard for the fact that repressing these natural urges is not healthy. When a child is born, we assist its birth. Since children have been observed masturbating before birth (Boys and Sex, 3rd ed., 1991, Wardell Pomeroy, Ph.D., p.32) we should realize sex is an important instinct and prepare our children for healthy, nonrepressed attitudes as they grow into adult sexual beings. When children are ready to see and hear and speak and crawl and walk, we are right there to guide and comfort them. Why then, do we fail so miserably when it comes to support and guidance in sexual matters? Why aren't we as joyful and enthusiastic as when they take their first step? The answer is easy: We have not been taught and we are too repressed, uneducated and frightened. Many of us learned whatever we know about sex through adolescent experimentation or marriage as a first encounter. The second thing we can do: REALIZE THAT IT'S OKAY TO LET GO OF OUR FEARS ABOUT SEXUAL PROBLEM AREAS; THE ANSWERS CAN BE FOUND. Society is the collage of patterns of behavior set up and enforced by groups of people that are afraid to trust nature, God or themselves without artificially synthesized taboos, morals, tenets of faith and laws as stage props to guide them. So, what do we fear? We fear that children will be born to parents who are not mentally, emotionally or financially prepared to care for them. We fear that society will not assist in caring for them. Careful examination of that fearful approach to teen sex reveals what the real problem is: The almost total lack of "response ability" of adult society to prepare youth for the inevitable progression of their sexual instinct that has been arising as the major component in their lives from before birth! It is ironic that parents try so hard to make sure that their offspring don't "grow up too fast," filling their heads with goofy play, cartoons and ultimately meaningless, smiling facades in lieu of seriously needed guidance. When their children reach puberty and have strong feelings and instinctive behavior, parents wonder why their children can't cope responsibly. Not having learned how to help, they impose synthesized rules, morals, guilt trips and catchy phrases like "True Love Waits," to fill a void in education and understanding, as though that will prevent pregnancies. The third thing we can do: REALIZE THAT CHILDREN DO KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR THEM TO A POINT. FOLLOW CHILDREN'S LEAD TO DISCOVER WHEN THEY ARE READY TO LEARN. GUIDE AND ENCOURAGE THEIR SEXUAL BEHAVIOR. The "age of puberty" set by nature was not a mistake. If society enhanced, rather than squashed, natural learning processes, it might become typical for youth to be mentally and emotionally ready when their bodies were ready. If we stopped hindering the natural process and making "coming of age" a mere ritual, perhaps we would no longer need to fret over the problems this creates. If children mature naturally to the age of puberty, perhaps they will face less problems. Although we may not currently know how, it is yet our responsibility to ensure they are fully ready by that age and quit putting it off until they are in their teens or twenties! We might prefer that they not be sexually active at twelve or before; but, experience and statistics show that they often are. If they are, have we done all we can to lead them into understanding and responsibility before then? We cannot change their instinctual growth urges. However, instead of interfering with those urges, we can offer encouragement and guidance. All species have an age of puberty at which they typically become sexually active. During those critical formative years between birth and puberty, if children have been sexually uneducated, unsupported, misunderstood and repressed, problems arise. At that point, it does not matter whether or not parents or society feel they had good, practical reasons for this lack. The fourth thing we can do: STOP SIMPLY "GOING WITH THE FLOW," AND MAKE A CONCENTRATED EFFORT TO ENSURE THAT TEENS ARE MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY AND EXPERIENTIALLY READY FOR PUBERTY AS EARLY AS THEY INDICATE IT IS NEEDED. I wonder if there is a master plan in action when children become fascinated and often involved with sex at a very young age.....at a time when pregnancy among them is not an issue? These youngsters are taking some very good advice: "Take no thought for tomorrow." Adults, on the other hand, out of fear, embarrassment or a misplaced sense of duty, immediately squash youngsters' innocent curiosity and intense pleasure. Can no one remember how embarrassing, confusing and frustrating it was to be stopped from that natural activity? This is a time when parents could be taking advantage of these precious years and children's natural behavior to teach wholesome attitudes such as not being sexually abusive, obsessive or possessive, and being okay with integrating sexual feelings toward either gender. This is a time when children could be learning intellectually, emotionally and experientially how to integrate their sexual feelings into their overall understanding of the world and how they are beginning to fit into society. In short, they could be learning to become sexually responsible instead of sexually repressed and frightened. The fifth thing we can do: REALIZE THAT SEX IS AT THE CORE OF HUMAN THOUGHT, FEELINGS AND BEHAVIOR. AS SUCH, THE MOST CARING, NATURAL GUIDANCE IS NECESSARY. (Footnote in Weinstein's original article: This is a very key point. Many species allow sexual exploration during this period. Some even use it to experientially teach sex to their young, presumably as a priority to successfully continue their species (whales are an example).) Because many of our warmest loving feelings were from nurturing and romance, we teach our children that these feelings are more important than sex. Does the wide acceptance of this teaching make it so? Or, does the fact speak louder that pregnancy finds many teens facing painful, frightening circumstances, so devastating that some attempt suicide? Could it be that we do not fully understand what love is and we are passing that incompleteness on to our children? (I will say here that one of the things you could say about love is that it involves trusting the flow and the process, instead of fearfully and "intelligently" planning for a difficult future.) Consider this silly example: SITUATION ONE: The world has all the romance and nurturing possible without sex for the next 150 years. One hundred fifty years from now, there is no world in which to be romantic and nurturing. SITUATION TWO: The world has all the sex possible without romance and nurturing for the next 150 years. One hundred fifty years from now, the world is still here; but it is not very happy or caring. Even though this is a silly example, it does point out the absolute need to understand the priority sex demands of us. Sex must be recognized as equally important to romance and nurturing, in order for the corresponding aspects of human personality to integrate and balance. The sixth thing we can do: DEVELOP AGREEMENTS BETWEEN THE ADULTS IN THE SEPARATE HOUSEHOLDS OF YOUR EXTENDED FAMILIES ON BOTH SIDES...THAT THEY WILL AID YOU IN GIVING MEANINGFUL SUPPORT TO YOUR CHILDREN'S OFFSPRING AS LONG AS NEEDED...AND OFFER THE SAME. Many species live communally and, when young females among them become pubescent, it is natural that they also become pregnant; and it is not a "catastrophe." Often, the community of adults, whether parents or not, assist in care of the infants and adolescents; and adults who might harm the young are warded off. Many people today do not live communally and, even though we may not particularly want to share all things and live as one happy family, there are some aspects of communal living that may be healthy to maintain, even in smaller, nuclear units. Living communally does not require as much expense per person as living in smaller households. Not having to face as overwhelming factors or expense or external power can help provide a less fearful environment for young (teen) couples with children. In that climate, they can continue their learning process as a positive experience instead of a constant struggle complicated by feelings of abandonment. This is not merely an exercise in welfare. It is restructuring families and society into a level of interdependence that prepares for and supports nature-determined pubescent behavior. Then, teen sex, along with its unavoidable consequences, is welcomed instead of feared or punished. The seventh thing we can do: WORKING WITH YOUR EXTENDED FAMILIES, PROVIDE EARLY TRAINING IN INCOME EARNING ACTIVITIES THAT TEACH A MARKETABLE SKILL AND MONEY MANAGEMENT SKILLS BEFORE PUBERTY. (Footnote from original: This is so critical to our children's futures; it is difficult to believe that we are leaving it to public schools and, basically, washing our hands.) Not that many years ago, the majority of families in the United States owned their own home along with its furnishings, owned their own transportation, and owned their own business along with its assets. Families traditionally trained their children to do the family business. Children were at least afforded the opportunity to become accustomed to the regular responsibility of work and the opportunity to learn a trade before adulthood. Now, there is an emphasis on going to school and then college. People are casual about letting the bank own most things through purchase contracts and leasing. So, we find people at 25 or 30 years of age, degrees in hand, in debt and living beyond their means. They are too often still not able to generate adequate income to support their children or the lifestyle they have adopted. Unfortunately, most people assume they "should" be emotionally stable and able to take care of family and finances when the going gets tough. The MAIN thing we can do: AS ADULTS, FIND OUT WHO AND WHAT WE ARE. IF FOLLOWED, THE UNDERSTANDING PROVIDED WILL RESOLVE THE PROBLEMS OF PUBERTY. THEN, TEACH CHILDREN TO FIND THAT UNDERSTANDING. Granted, this cannot be learned and passed on to our children overnight. But we can set the goal to live by ideals through which we can be responsible for our children's guidance. We can help our youth learn to responsibly cope with sexuality by providing nature-defined support that brings understanding, integration and maturity. How long? As long as it takes...forever sounds good. They can pass that on to their children. If they can't, it's because we didn't. "Response ability" for our children is built in, if we can only pause and notice. As we take time to know who and what we are, we can guide our children to discover themselves and know that "understanding" will guide them. As they develop the wisdom of awareness, they will need parental guidance less and less. What would happen if a child's parents enhanced everything their spirituality brought to consciousness? Would a child who learned to fully express within an extended family become responsible, productive and capable? Natural guidance by parents results in natural expression as sexuality that correlates directly to spirituality. Whereas, trading natural sexual behavior for traditional rules and taboos hinders spiritual expression. Letting go of our traditions and sexual phobias allows us to realize that teen sex is not a catastrophe, but a global family problem. It concerns all of us, not just teens or parents. The "catastrophe" is the widespread lack of questions being answered by an inner awareness before they become problems. If we become more aware of ourselves, our needs and the needs of our children, and meet those needs, the world will surely be less stressful. Isn't it just possible that a few generations growing up with that inner strength could create a world filled with peace and love? SUMMARY: THINGS WE CAN DO TO TAKE THE "CATASTROPHE" OUT OF TEEN SEX 1. We, as adults, must realize that favoring nature's course over traditions about teen sex is absolutely needed. 2. Adults must face their fears that children will be born to parents who are not mentally, emotionally or financially prepared to care for them and that society will not care for them. We must notice that our ability to adequately respond to children's sexual needs is at least blunted, if not nonexistent, and determine to fill that void with understanding and action. We must realize that it's okay to let go of our fears about sexual problem areas, because the answers can be found. 3. There must be a relaxing of the notion that children do not know what is best for them. To a point, they do know and they give us critical information about their need to express sexually. They must be guided and encouraged. Not understanding how to help the growth of children's sexuality does not alleviate the responsibility to do so when it's needed. Do not put it off. 4. The guidance children need must be prepared for now. We can no longer flow along with what's happening and expect our ability to guide them when they required it to suddenly appear if we do not possess it now. It is mandatory they become ready for puberty early; puberty will not wait. Don't fail to utilize the years when they and their friends need not worry about pregnancy, as a relaxed time of learning. 5. Realize that sex and those learning processes that support meaningful growth, facilitate responsible sexuality and the ability to care for offspring. As such, they are fundamental and critical to a coherent global learning process that is capable of fearlessly ushering in an era of peace and love to our world. Know that love and peace have not spread across the planet because we continue to believe that love is a set of emotions and that peace is merely the absence of violence. This article was posted on the internet and is considered a public domain writing by the author, Doug Couch (Light Dancer).