By Mke Ross Express Writer

Justice isn't blind. It's deaf.

Since Thriller came out in 1982, Michael Jackson has been sued 30 times, give or take - by concert promoters, TV producers, ticket-holders, songwriters, former employees, bodyguards, authors, orchestras, shoe companies, tabloids, photographers, newspapers, crazy fans, a 13-year-old boy and the 13-year-old boy's father. Collectively, they were asking for something in the neighbourhood of the gross national product of a medium-sized European country.

Before Thriller, which just happens to be the biggest-selling album in history, there was nothing.

Coincidence? You be the judge.

No, wait. I think I'll be the judge today.

It's been a busy few weeks for the lawyers of successful pop stars. In the interest of saving court costs, I offer the following unsolicited solutions to various pending lawsuits:

[snip]

JEWEL vs. INGA VAINSHTEIN- The Alaskan singer-songwriter and her mother, Lenedra Carroll, are being sued by Jewel's former manager.

Vainshtein claims that she discovered Jewel, but was unjustly fired so that mom, once she learned the ropes of the music business, could take over. According to the suit, Jewel's mother also allegedly told her daughter that advice from Vainshtein had to be approved (through a channeller) by a spirit named "Z." Vainshtein is asking for $10 million.

Solution: Whatever "Z" says, goes.

SARAH MCLACHLAN vs. DARRYL NEUDORF - A former member of 54-40 claims he helped Sarah McLachlan write songs on her 1988 debut album, Touch. She believes "in my heart" that she did it herself.

The guy waited long enough to bring it up. On the other hand, it's apparent that he was in the same room with McLachlan when she allegedly wrote those songs.

Solution: No cash, but a big heartfelt "thank you" to Neudorf on McLachlan's next album, plus lifetime backstage passes to Lilith Fair.